getting past bachelor party

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2003
getting past bachelor party
3
Tue, 06-22-2004 - 7:49am
I am new to this but I really need some advice and I am not comfortable talking to anyone about this. I am gettig married for the 2nd tme this Sunday. My finace' is a great man and very respectful to me. We have discussed strip clubs and he told me that he had never been to one. Even though he has been married twice. I told him that I did not want him to go to a strip club for a bachelor party. His friend took him to a strip club on Friday nignt and he told me that he had a lap dance which consisted of the stripper sitting down and talking to him first and then dancing over him and "Brushing against him". When he told me all this I was so upset and accused him of cheating on me. That made him mad because he has been cheated on before and he wold never do that ( and I totally trust him ) I am just so upset and hurt (crying) and I want to know why he decided to go now when he has never been before. He said he was curious and wanted to see what the big deal was. He is not a child he is 37 and has had plenty of opportunites to go. He has said that he did not enjoy it and regrets going and is sorry, didn't realize it would upset me this much. But I told him not to go!!! I don't undestand why he did this and I don't know how to get past it. I feel like he has ruined our wedding with this. Am I overreacting??? I don't even want him to touch me or kiss me. Any advice would be helpful. I have alot to do to get ready for the wedding and this is eating up my time and energy and leaving bad memories.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Tue, 06-22-2004 - 8:12am

Strip clubs have maintained such a bad reputation over the years...going hand in hand with the terror thats associated with bachelor/bachelorette parties anyways. Honestly though, you cant even so much as blink at the girls in there the wrong way with out a bouncer hovering over you. Not that its making you feel any better....:)


The only thing i can tell you to do is be honest. He knows your upset and it sounds like he is truly regretful. Im sure he was just curious...and might have had some heckling from his buddies to go and check this out...I dont wanna chalk it up to a "guys will be guys" theory because your honestly upset by it, but no

 

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-22-2004 - 10:10am

Certainly, it is unpleasant to hear that your husband to be just had a lap dance at a strip club, but take a step back a moment and see if you want to allow this to ruin an entire life together with him. He did come out and tell you about you. He said he was sorry. This is not actual cheating. If you trust the man in general and love him, then just put it behind you. Otherwise, this one event can certainly ruin your wedding and life together, especially if you don't want him to touch you now. You are under some time pressure here, so you need to decide quickly whether he has all the qualities you want and love and whether you trust him to keep his word to you. If you do, let this go and move on good-heartedly. If this event is simply bringing up other doubts and fears you have, or if you have other cause to mistrust him, then it is best to seek some counselling about it before moving forward.


Many men go to strip joints and get lap dances. Most women feel disturbed by it. Your fiancee has given you his word he won't do it again. The question here is can you trust is word? If you can, let this go. If you can't, then that is what you must work on.


Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 06-22-2004 - 2:34pm
It depends on your definition of cheating. My bf and I have had this conversation and we both agree that we wouldn't like it if either one of us went alone to a strip club without the other. He would not like guy dancing over me, brushing against me, etc, and I wouldn't like it if a female was doing it to him. We agreed on the boundaries within our relationship. Sounds like you made your feelings known and he disregarded them, using the excuse, "I didn't know you'd be so upset." Yet he did exactly what he wanted to do in the moment weather or not he regrets it now. You feel betrayed. I can't say I blame you. Another girl did physically with him something you don't approve of and something that you feel should only be reserved for you.

Sorry I don't have any good advice on how to heal this between the two of you. Ask him if he would like a guy 'brushing against you and dancing over you' that might get him to understand why you feel the way you feel.


Carrie