Getting past his disclosure

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2004
Getting past his disclosure
2
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 2:54am
My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 1/2 years, and we moved in together 1 year ago. We were blissfully happy, and just starting to talk about engagement. (He's 29 and I am 25.) But before we make that committment, he told me, he doesn't want to have any secrets. He then proceeded to tell me that he had a purely sexual relationship with a co-worker about 3 1/2 years ago, before we even met. She became pregnant and decided to keep the baby, despite his suggestions of abortion or adoption. He says he felt she was unfit to be a mother. That is where the story ends. He moved to the city in which we live now, and never looked back. He says it is part of his past, and does not want to do a paternity test or anything. I say there is no way I can marry him with this unresolved, but he considers it over and done with. Now, I see him in two different lights. We have been seeing a therapist since he told me 5 months ago, and we have gotten back to a happy day-to-day life. But this is a huge, overwhelming issue that I don't think I will ever be ok with. I have become moody and confused, and I'm not sure to keep trying with him, which takes a lot of avoidance of the issue, or call it quits. My friends all have strong opinions one way or the other, but I think it's really difficult for them to see what I am struggling with. I love him dearly, but I feel like we can't have the happy ending I was hoping for.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 2:23pm
It's something that will always be in the background, in the shadows, because some day this child may contact him and want a relationship. It doesn’t sound like he wanted a relationship with the child or the mother for that matter, which is fine, if it was agreed upon before hand that they would try to get pregnant so she could have a baby – like being a sperm donor. But this way, he’s not claiming his rights as a parent and not it’s made you question him as a person, like what would happen if the two of you had kids, would he be involved or emotionally removed.

I think it’s a good thing you are in therapy. I hope you can resolve this to a happy ending. My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 3:21pm
What has you gripped in terror is the fact that he has a child out there that he considers the mother unfit - and he moved away without a backward glance, without child support, without visitation, without pursuing custody himself.

So he's basically "whatever works for me and makes me feel good and doesn't limit my options" as a values system...and I'd be terrified to put my future as a wife into someone's hands like that. I ought to know that being terrified of that is justified - I did it four times, with disasterous results.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com