GF cheated, how to trust he's done?
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| Tue, 01-22-2008 - 5:02pm |
So I'll make this as short as I can.
I've only had one girl ever cheat on me, and I left her the moment I found out and never looked back.
But I met this girl online about four months ago, and since it was online I didn't expect anything from it, but we actually hit it off, very well in fact, we clicked on all levels, and we started seeing each other and it was getting clear to us both that we really wanted to be together. anyway, I went to her myspace page and found that the day after we were "together" for the second time (though not commited to each other yet) and saw that she was sending I love you to this guy on her page. so I confront her about this and she flips and says sorry and I told her it's okay, I just don't play games and don't want to be involved with her if she's involved with someone else. she deletes her page and says it her ex, and she hadn't slept with him since 3 weeks before we met, and it's over between them, he was abusive and not a good guy.
so we continue seeing each other and everything's great, he's still texting her, and they are nasty texts, and I tell her to change her phone number, she does that the next day.
she tells me one night that if I knew about her past I'd leave her, that she's cheated on just about every bf she's ever had, and for the last year she's cheated on her bf's with THIS particular ex, that she's been with A LOT of guys, (she's 31), and I tell her that I'm no saint, and your past is your past
so december rolls around and she's changed her meds (shes bi polar) and gets on the pill. she begins to get depressed and a bit distant than her usually loving close , pda self. that we are moving really fast and such. she leaves for christmas and so do I
then when we get back, and on new years she's drunk and so am I and she starts saying that she's not good enough for me, that she doesn't deserve me, that she's a good liar, and then it comes out that she loves him still and misses him, and wants to be with him, and wants to break up with me, also that she had a lunch date with him before she left and they kissed.....oh and that she was sleeping with him up until the time I asked her to be my gf.
so the next day comes around an we're hung over and she's saying sorry she doesn't want to break up with me that she just got cold feet because we were getting so close and she's never fell in love so fast (we were already talking about marriage). and that she doesn't want him, she wants to be with me, and who is she kdding she's not going to leave me.
...the whole day goes by and then around 10pm she goes to the bathroom, and I get the urge to check her phone, and I do and theres a sent text to someone named "michelle" (she has reentered his number and put it under a diff name) and it reads "hey babe, I still love you and he knows it, I think I want to see you, I want to spend same time with you, maybe we can see each other on friday and go on a date"
I call her out on this and at first she lies to me, then cops to it and says, maybe I should take you home, she does and crying because I'm dumping her, she tries to kiss me but I don't want it. the next day she's trying to get me back and ALSO talking to him at teh same time and I'm not having it. so because I love her and she says she's stupid and made a mistake and just got cold feet, I take her back, and she says he'll stop calling m, it just need to die down we went out for thre years and he's destroyed all my relationships, so I say no more talking to him. and then after she's texting him right in front of me, apparently saying leave her alone, I tell her the next day that it's not okay to talk to him, and she says she doesn't understand why she can't if it's not hurting US, and I tell her that NO rational adult would be okay with their SO talking with the person they were sleeping with right when we met and that you emotionally cheated on m with and kissed.
so she says, look, I understand, I'm am faced with the fact that if I want you I need to end this back and forth with me and my ex, she says she PROMISES she won't talk to him.
so we are together the whole weekend and she's tellig me that he's being mean cause she's not responding to him.
anyway the next week rolls around and I get a hunch, and I'm on AIM, and I put her password in and find out she's talk to him, right at that moment, the only thing I caught was (what do think john (me) is going to think about that) and I go nuts and she lies and says she wasn't talking to him and I call her out and she flips because she thin ks I'm spying.
anyway that night, I tell her look, I'm not okay in any way that you're talking to him, and you need to go figure what it is because I'm not going to be involved. so she cries again and I for the next 2 days, she's talking to me all day like nothing happened and doesn't get why I'm being cold and asking what she wants, I tell her that she's saying she needs space so she can go over here and sleep with this other guy and figure out what she wants and I tell her I'm done, I call her and tell her I'm done that I'm not going to last and I'm not going to wait for her, that this shouldn't be a hard decision, that if she really wanted me it wouldn't be tough. so the next day she says she's talking to him, and that he doesn't know if he wants be with her, and she doesn't either and that she's deciding to be with me, (she's moving 40 mins away to be closer to me also) and that she's deleted him from her AIM and such.
HERES THE THING
now that I've taken her back and she's saying and seemingly doing all the right things (she's been with me everyday since this happened) I'm having a hard time trusting her, because ultimately I DON'T KNOW, if she's texting him or if they are IMing while at work, yo know? it's eating at me, when I say something she gets mad and wants me to let it go so we can move on. but I don't want to be second fiddle, I don't want to be the guy she's with cause the other guy just isn't sure about her.
anyway I don't know what to do, if I can't fully trust her, I'll be suspicious jerk, and I've never been THAT guy. so am I fooling myself into thinking she' not talking to him, even though she's moving for me ad spending everyday and night with me? I 'm just at a loss and feel that I' in the dark still. part of me just doesn't want any of it and the other loves her and wants us to be good
any help would be great

Oh my goodness--that's FAR too much drama!!!
I think you'd be better off finding someone who's more emotionally stable.
Welcome to the board cole2008,
Well it is no wonder that you don't trust her. You don't have any reason to trust her. She has lied to you repeatedly about her relationship with her ex.
If you really want to be with her, I don't think your relationship stands a chance if you don't go to couples cousneling together.
glitter-graphics.com
Get out now. This girl is a wreck, and since apparently day TWO, she has earned nothing but distrust from you.
She's 31? Could have fooled me. Her actions suggest somewhere around mid-teens.
"she tells me one night that if I knew about her past I'd leave her, that she's cheated on just about every bf she's ever had, and for the last year she's cheated on her bf's with THIS particular ex, that she's been with A LOT of guys, (she's 31), and I tell her that I'm no saint, and your past is your past"
It's not her past. It's her present and her future. If you cannot be smarter about avoiding girls who tell you flat out that they have cheated on everyone they've been with, then you will continue to live in this drama and continue to be cheated on.
I wish I could tell you how much you don't deserve this, but I don't think you would believe me. Good luck.
Welcome to the board cole2008,
Wow all that in four months?
I know that INTELLECTUALLY I can say this is not right and I'm fooling myself. but if you take away the couple of weeks she had a freak out and got cold feet and wanted to go back to this guy, we really do have one of the best relationships I've ever had, all the things you want in a relationship are there, but this drama that happened all in the course of a couple weeks has put a strain on my conscious, like I feel I was disrespected.
but I guess i don't know, I love her, and part of me feels sorry for her, and I KNOW her ex is playing games with her, she does have emotional problems and after what I've read that she showed me, I can see that he's playing on those emotional instabilities.
so far the last few weeks have been great, she's been with me EVERYDAY and NIGHT, and is moving 40 minutes away to be near me, and so far her ACTIONS have been matching her WORDS, which is the most important things to me, because people can say whatever they want but if it's not backed up by actions then they mean zero, right?
So I'm confronted with the idea of, okay, I was not a good guy a few years back, I've done some less than honorable things in life, (cheated only once though, and felt miserable about it) and I was able to change, and do you hold everything in someones past against them when you see they are really trying to make changes for themselves and you?
She said to me, you know you're the only guy thats ever really left me, and doesn't take my crap, I feel like part of the reason she was bad to some other guys, even her last, was because they let her, the woman is absurdly attractive and gets a LOT of attention, and I've noticed that she's had a tendency to date guys a good deal below her league, physically at least, and she's taken aback by the fact that i won't accept any less from her than what I know she can be, and I actually told her when I was breaking up with her and she was saying sorry I had a freak out and made a mistake, that, it's kind of too late for this behavior, you've already shown me you can be a great woman, why would I accept anything less than that?
but I just don't want to be fooling myself, and I feel like part of me just needs time to trust her again, and see a new track history for her, you know? or will it never change and I'll always be wondering what she's doing, I've already caught myself eyeballing her when she gets texts and such, part me thinks you're right that it's just too much drama to deal with and the other sees the changes and new behavior, but are we all doomed after making mistakes, is it just too late for totally forgivness? I've made bad mistakes with gf's and have been forgiven and changed, I guess I'm doing the same for her, but at the same time, if I found out she was still talking to him, I'd feel like a completely disrespected idiot.