gf wanting space - help out a guy please

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2003
gf wanting space - help out a guy please
5
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 5:31am
I've been dating this girl for 6 months... We have spent every free seconds together since day one. Just the other week she told me that she needs space. She said that something is missing and she needs to finds it before we can continue with our relationship. She doesn't think it's fair for me to give my all, and she can't do the same.

I'm trying to be considerate, since this is also the time that her mother past away last year. Not to mentioned she also broke up an engagement with a previous bf of 7 years. I'm sure her heart is scarred from that relationship.

I love her dearly and does not want to lose her. My question is, is this a way for her to nicely breakup with me. Or is this just something women in their late 20s goes through because they lost their mother, and had a previous long broken relationship and I'm just being paranoid.

So anyway, today I told her that I love her and that I do not want to lose her. It was the first time in our relationship that I told her I love her. Instantly, I could see tears in her eyes, but she still needed space.

Is this a lost cost? Or should I just give her some space and hope that she comes back. My personal opinion is that she is afraid of getting hurt again and so she does not know what to do. Hence the needing of space to reflect on things...etc..

Any opinions will be appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 9:01am
She may be trying to break up with you, and "letting you down easy". She may indeed have all sorts of stuff she has to sort out before she can be in a relationship with you. And the truth is, she may not know what she wants herself yet.

You've told her you love her. Back off and wait. It will be hard but there's not much more you can do, at least not much more that's productive to the relationship.

Saucygirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 9:15am
maybe so really is just scared! It's not unusual for anyone, weather it's a man or woman to want some time to them selves. and just because they do, doesn't mean that the relationship is over. If you two spend every second together, it doesn't leace her much time to hang with her friends or get everyday things done. And the fact that she has broken off an engagement with a guy that she was with for 7 yrs, and her mother died, she might be feeling very over-whelmed at this point, and she needs the time to collect her thaughts.

My advice to you would be, just be supportive, give her the space she needs and be there for her as a friend. Don't push or rush her into anything. She might just be afraid of getting hurt again like you said, and that's very understandable. So just be supposrtive, I'm sure everything will work out!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 10:00am
I know that for me, whenever I needed space, it was because I was feeling smothered or that someone was asking or demanding too much of me and I wasn't able to spend enough time on other areas of my life. I think that when people start dating and spend every free second together, it leads to neglect in other important parts of life. Human beings need time to themselves, time to nurture other relationships with family and friends, time for hobbies and interests, that kind of thing. Otherwise, they begin to feel empty. They ARE missing something in their lives. No one person can fill all of another's needs. When relationships start out with so much time together, inevitably there will come a time when that needs to lessen and both people need to find some balance. She might really want to end this if you're a person who is possessive of her and her time. Maybe you were, maybe you weren't. But if you just try to allow her the space she needs, perhaps a break or seeing each other but not as much, you can get things in balance. Getting into a rut where you see each other every free second is pretty much a recipe for disaster if comes to be expected or demanded. Relationships just can't thrive when it's set up in such a way that other parts of one's life are neglected long-term.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 10:50am
I think you're right. She keeps mentioning how she doesn't have time to do anything.. ie. go work out, take care of personal things and what not. When she does spend time with her friends and not with me, she feels guilty about it. Maybe I am smothering her and the best thing to do is to just sit and wait. I can tell you right now, this is so hard to do. Hopefully she will find what it is that she is missing. I sure hope that this is not a break up, cause both her and I know that we have something special.

Do you think she is also thinking about marriage? I know that's what she wants, but probably feel it's not going to happen with me anytime soon. I'm a few years younger than her. She was trying to test me by saying how after she get some space and we get back together ( if we do ??? ) that we should just get marry if I really love her. I gave her a blank look and didn't say anything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 1:20pm
I seem to recall a saying -- something like "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it was truly yours to have."

I'd let her do her own thing, but make sure she knows you're going to do your own thing. Don't give on that you're pining away waiting for her to make or break the relationship. Go out - do things. She'll either be happy that you understood, breathe and continue the relationship or she'll be gone and she was letting you down easy. I always thought it seemed easier for guys to break up with girls than girls with guys. We tend to allow our emotions out when they don't need to be out.

Best of luck.