Ghosts from the past

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2013
Ghosts from the past
Sun, 06-23-2013 - 10:43pm

Hello, I am a guy and dared to log into this forum. I hope you can help me with my advise. I am dating an old colleague from work and we have found that he have an extremely good chemistry, in all ways, as friends and lovers.  We love each other and would like to take our relationship to the next step. We both are divorced (second time both) and we understand the consequences of our decision. We are on our early 50's but feeling like 30's.  We had been very open in our communication (at least I thought so) when I just discovered a couple of days ago that she hided from me that she had an affair and became a mistress of a work colleague some 25 years ago for a few years. She told me this after I started to ask her about this. I felt very bad that she hided this from me as I would find out anyway, but most importantly, I felt it like a betrayal since she was not being transparent with me when we promised to trust each other 100%.  Also, to be honest by learning what she did, I lost some of the ilusion and freshness that I originally had when I found her. I don't want to judge her, especially if it was 25 years ago, but knowing that she admittedly was a mistress of one of my coworker (of course he was married), makes me feel that I am not that special, as she makes me believe I am.  I am dejected and disappointed and don't know what to do. It is like of the magic is gone. Am I overreacting?  I would really appreciate your thoughts. Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2013
Thu, 06-27-2013 - 11:36pm

Thank you all for your insightful words. I was really on a conflict and didn't know what to do.  I have decided to move on with her and leave those ghosts in the past. It is true that having worked together with the person that was lovers to my current girlfriend has made it difficult to me but love and trust should ovecome those ghosts. Thanks again,.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Wed, 06-26-2013 - 2:30am

Do you still work with the man with whom she had an affair 25 years ago? Is that part of the problem? I can understand how its one thing when your SO tells you about past lovers who are anonymous to you, but can feel a lot closer when she was lovers with somebody that you know.

Still, like the others said, something that happened 25 years ago is a long time ago, and of course people in their 50s are going to have a lot of history. Your comment about "I lost some of the ilusion and freshness that I originally had when I found her" makes me wonder if part of the problem is that you've been holding on to an illusion of her not having a past with anything that could bother you or make you a little jealous---an unrealistic image. And maybe she didn't tell you because she suspected how you would react and wanted to avoid the situation that has now come to pass. She's with you now, not the coworker or anybody else, so presumably you ARE special to her.

You have to be able to accept her as who she is today with all of her past, it makes her who she is just as your cumulative experiences make you who you are today. If you cannot get over your feelings about her past affair then it will eventually poison the relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2003
Mon, 06-24-2013 - 12:49pm

That was so long ago.  It should have been left in the past.  Here she is wanting to be honest with you and look what happens when she does.  I am sure you have things in your past she would not like as well. You are in your fifties, you have something you really enjoy and you are going to ruin it by something that happened years could have a very lonely life.  I say take time to see how good she is and how much you like her.  50 years in my opinion is pleanty of time to have failed relationships...I would just hope I learn something new from each of them.  Good luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 06-24-2013 - 10:22am

I don't know how you go from her having an affair long ago to feeing that you're not speical to her--those are unrelated things.  Since you're both divorced, obviously you both have past lovers--it's not like you're 21 and have never been with anyone else.  She probably didn't tell you about the affair right away because she's ashamed of it and didn't want to be judged, which you are now doing.  I would be concerned about someone who thought it was ok to have affairs if they were married but if someone feels it was wrong & wouldn't do it again, you can't hold it over them forever.  Did you ever do something when you were young that you regret now?

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 06-24-2013 - 3:27am

  It was 25 years ago so forget it.  But if that bothers you prehaps another relationship should be in the offing.  It bodes ill to have negative feeling about your GF. 


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2007
Mon, 06-24-2013 - 12:39am

Did you say that was 25 years ago? Don't get me wrong, I'm not condoning her decision but then again it is what it is. That's in the past. People make decisions that they may regret latter and may not be proud of those decisions. That was then and you are now! You may be that special someone for her after all. My moto.... it's all about the here and now. Let the past be!

Good luck and wish you all the love in the world.