girl depressed and im dating her

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2013
girl depressed and im dating her
10
Thu, 04-25-2013 - 3:32pm
is depression a life long illness or is it just temporary. i know this girl and she takes fluctoname -prozac and she says she take it everyday for 2 years-she lies to me at times. im not sure how long. really but she takes that drug and also her mood changes too. she gets mad or sad pretty easily. at time i didnt text her for a day and told me she was sad since i didnt text her. or her pics didnt get through and she says shes mad in the text msg
but i know for sure she isnt working, she is 24 , hard time making decisions and changes her mind/or hard time making decisions and very negative and yes she has depression

im just wonderin if she will ever get better as im looking to settle and long term partner

will she ever get better and never had to take prozac-flutonaime , will mood be normal, is it curable???

another guy i met said he knew her 5 years ago when she was 20 and she was nuts. i guess she hasnt changed
also her mind changes a lot or hard time making decisions about what she really wants. its frustarting so we just do what i want. never met a girl that really really likes me and we didnt know each other that long either. she never had a serious bf and most guys used her just for sex --that what she told me. not sure if its real or just lies
yea i sometimes find it frustratinng hanging out with her. her choices are all mixed up . they want u to pick her up and later u do and she says shes not sure she wants to sit in my car . im already at ur place in my car. lol

oh yea sometimes she text my cell at 4 am, 340 am i know since my cell shows the time text came in. so i get text like at 1 am 1 30 am, and then at 4 am around those times. she also has trouble sleeping
Also one time on our dates she say I'm handsome and another time said I'm average looking and on other date said I'm ugly
Avatar for sunset5000
Community Leader
Registered: 10-10-2007
Thu, 05-09-2013 - 10:27pm

Welcome to iVillage, Jet!

I will jump into this thread in hopes too explain the medical definition of the various types of depression mentioned.   Please know,  I am not a doctor.

Here is the definition of major depression disorder as taken from:  http://www.merriam-webster.com/medical/major%20depressive%20disorder 

Major Depressive Disorder
Definition of MAJOR DEPRESSIVE DISORDER
 
: a mood disorder having a clinical course involving one or more episodes of serious psychological depression that last two or more weeks each, do not have intervening episodes of mania or hypomania, and are characterized by a loss of interest or pleasure in almost all activities and by some or all of disturbances of appetite, sleep, or psychomotor functioning, a decrease in energy, difficulties in thinking or making decisions, loss of self-esteem or feelings of guilt, and suicidal thoughts or attempts—compare bipolar disorder
 
Here is the medical definition of bipolar disorder as taken from:  http://www.merriam-webster.com/medical/bipolar+disorder 
 
Definition of BIPOLAR DISORDER
: any of several mood disorders characterized usually by alternating episodes of depression and mania or by episodes of depression alternating with mild nonpsychotic excitement—called also bipolar affective disorder, bipolar illness, manic depression, manic-depressive illness, manic-depressive psychosis; compare major depressive disorder

 

I am the community leader for our depression support board here on iVillage.  Please feel free to drop by there and maybe reading some posts will be beneficial in helping you understand depression.  If you have any questions, or something is still not clear, please ask and I will do my best to help.

Good Luck to you!

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Thu, 05-02-2013 - 12:02am

There are different kinds of depression.  Intrinsic is coming from inside, like a chemical imbalance, it can go on for life.  Extrinsic is coming from outside, like grief over the loss of a loved one, etc., and for those it CAN come to an end eventually.   I've been informed drugs can help with depression, period, but the results vary all over the place.  My primary doctor told me antidepressants are only effective 50% of the time, my past therapist thought the figure was higher, my current one says it's around 50%, so there are opinions galore.  I had mild depression for years but it didn't cause me much grief at all, whether it was from the inside/outside I'll never be sure.  Since antidepressants have NEVER helped me (I've tried 12 since the late 80s), that option is off the table, all I get is nasty side effects.  But one person's body chemistry is just that - it's theirs and theirs alone.  It's been determined worsening depression for me comes from the outside, since life got turned upside down a number of years ago and the timing is dead on.  I have clinical depression but although there really is an unfortunate stigma still in society lumping all of us who have anything from mild depression to full blown schizophrenia in the same boat, some of the variations are far more serious than others.  It would be a much kinder world if people would see things as one by one instead of throwing around unpleasant words like "nuts", but by now it's just so common it's a futile wish.

She sounds like she has some serious issues and if you are doubting her right now, it's unfair to either of you to continue together.  You both need a different partner. 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Tue, 04-30-2013 - 7:55pm

"im just wonderin if she will ever get better as im looking to settle and long term partner"

Are you in love with her and seriously thinking about committing to her? If you are serious about her and willing to help her then know that there will be hard times but its possible that you could have a relatively happy and normal home life. She would need to agree to get and stay under a psychiatrist's care. She probably has more than one condition, and she has to be willing to work to manage her conditions.

If you're not serious about her and trying to decide if/when you should bail, then go now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2002
Tue, 04-30-2013 - 3:04pm

Hi Jet, you mention that your gf is taking Prozac, but no mention of whether she's being seen by her doctor regularly.  Any type of medication like that needs to be monitored, to make sure it is working.  Your gf may be taking something that is not working for her, but without being monitored, she will continue to have the same issues with mood swings.  It takes a great deal of maturity and patience to be able to handle a relationship with someone who has a mental illness, especially one that is not being managed well.  Have you spoken to her about your concerns about her condition?  She is young as well, and sounds like she is perhaps not being compliant or following up with her doctor to get the right treatment.  I don't think you should have to put up with her abuse and the constant texting in the middle of the night.  You are not there to be her punching bag.  I can't imagine she wants to live her life like this, so if nothing else, you can be her friend and encourage her to continue seeking therapies that may be more beneficial. 

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

.  -Albert Einstein

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Tue, 04-30-2013 - 4:30am

My,

The girl described in this post has more problems than just mental illness: no job, no ability to make and stick with a decision, no taking responsibility for illness or treatment, using her mental illness as a crutch for all of the above. All this adds up to a life of extreme difficulty and no peace. Having witnessed how difficult this has been up close and personal, I'd give the same advice. Indeed, I have very good friends who talked their own daughter out of marrying a man who suffered from severe bi-polar illness. They knew her life would have been a nightmare had she married him. They were right to protect their daughter from making a mistake. She did break up with him and when she met a man who was happy, healthy and whole, she thanked them. 

Why should the young man in this post "settle" for someone who didn't have their act together, mental illness or not? He shouldn't. And therein lies the problem. We "settle" for the first person who wanders into our view like we only get one choice.

Raise the bar high and keep it there. If more people did there'd be fewer divorces, fewer unparented children, and lots more joy in the world. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Sun, 04-28-2013 - 11:11pm

Ouch.  I know you from the boards and don't intend for anyone here who has depression to take that personally, but it sounds like you think of those of us who do deal with depression are less than desirable as partners.  In my case, my depression likely was THERE at a super low level for years, but it's been determined it was my DH's cheating that brought it out full force - he's the one who's been the living nightmare.  Again, depression does not equal "nuts", it's just one of a zillion illnesses and incredibly common. 

 

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Sun, 04-28-2013 - 7:28pm

Mental illness is a lifelong disease. It can be managed with therapy and drugs but it never really goes away. It has to be monitored and dealt with every day.

My advice? Count your losses and wave good bye. Go find someone whose whole and healthy and has a good sense of herself and what she wants in the world. Once you meet someone like that you'll discover the freedom of not living with someone suffering mental illness.

I know that sounds cold but you don't understand how difficult your life will be if you stay with this girl and her depression/bi-polar. My brother's wife is all of the above and his life has been a living nightmare for 35 years. If he had to do it all over again, he wouldn't have married her.

Good luck. You deserve better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Sun, 04-28-2013 - 3:38pm

I hear so much negativity in your post that I don't see the two of you remaining a couple.  It's sad there is still such a powerful stigma attached to depression.  Depression does NOT = "nuts".  Depression is an illness, no different from someone who has diabetes, cancer, arthritis, heart disease.  It's treatable but for many it's still an uphill battle.  You asking if she will ever move beyond it?  Who knows.  I have depression myself and will reveal meds do not help me, so I'm stuck doing anything and everything ELSE I can to get a handle on it.  Depression can be overwhelming and just take over your life, and she doesn't need a partner who is this bothered by her depression.  It's her problem, not yours, and you can't fix her, she might or she might not have to deal with the problem forever.  You do not sound like a good match at all, not to me. 

 

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Fri, 04-26-2013 - 11:25am

jet78 wrote:
<div>is depression a life long illness or is it just temporary. i know this girl and she takes fluctoname -prozac and she says she take it everyday for 2 years-she lies to me at times. im not sure how long. really but she takes that drug and also her mood changes too. she gets mad or sad pretty easily. at time i didnt text her for a day and told me she was sad since i didnt text her. or her pics didnt get through and she says shes mad in the text msg<br />but i know for sure she isnt working, she is 24 , hard time making decisions and changes her mind/or hard time making decisions and very negative and yes she has depression <br /><br />im just wonderin if she will ever get better as im looking to settle and long term partner <br /><br />will she ever get better and never had to take prozac-flutonaime , will mood be normal, is it curable???<br /><br />another guy i met said he knew her 5 years ago when she was 20 and she was nuts. i guess she hasnt changed<br />also her mind changes a lot or hard time making decisions about what she really wants. its frustarting so we just do what i want. never met a girl that really really likes me and we didnt know each other that long either. she never had a serious bf and most guys used her just for sex --that what she told me. not sure if its real or just lies<br />yea i sometimes find it frustratinng hanging out with her. her choices are all mixed up . they want u to pick her up and later u do and she says shes not sure she wants to sit in my car . im already at ur place in my car. lol<br /><br />oh yea sometimes she text my cell at 4 am, 340 am i know since my cell shows the time text came in. so i get text like at 1 am 1 30 am, and then at 4 am around those times. she also has trouble sleeping<br />Also one time on our dates she say I'm handsome and another time said I'm average looking and on other date said I'm ugly</div>

I dare say that she may not only be clinically depressed, but that she's bi polar/manic-depressive.  Her mood swings would lend itself to that conclusion.

Yes, she will have to be on medication for the rest of her life to balance out the chemical imbalance in her brain... sometimes, though, the medication puts them through the wringer, too and they will not want to take it. 

She sounds like she needs a psychiatrist more than she needs a boyfriend, though.  It might be a good idea to look for another girl, unless you're willing to put your neck in the yoke and pull this heavy sled for the forseeable future. 

I doubt she's lying about her assessment that men use her for sex... she probably turns on the charm and once she's been with them, the other side surfaces and they run for the hills. It can be overwhelming and the vast majority of men cannot deal with it.  I would caution you not to step into the role of her protector or saviour--this isn't something you can save her from.  This is her burden to carry in this lifetime and unless you've got psychiatric medical training, you are not equipped to deal with this.

Find another young lady to settle down with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
Thu, 04-25-2013 - 11:27pm

Dear Jef I'm sorry for your gf and her problem however this doen't call for a knight in shiny armour but a therapist. You are not responsible for her happiness. She burdens you down with her lies and insecurities which is not a recipe for a healthy relationship. My question to you is this Do you want a relationship so bad that with all the red flags waving you will stay in what is obvious not good? you said she likes you. I beg to differ. She knows you like her and is therefore manipulating you. A relationship built off of lies and mistrust is never good. you seem like a nice guy and I am sure there is a nice girl waiting for you to find her. Please get to searching! You say you want to settle down she is not settling down material  just plain settling. I wish you well.