Girlfriend jealous of friend.. help !
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Girlfriend jealous of friend.. help !
| Sun, 05-23-2004 - 7:12pm |
Crisis : an old friend of mine is coming to town. We were never involved, but my girlfriend knows I was once attracted to her - though that was more than ten years ago.
My girlfriend does not want me to see her, and says that I am callous and selfish for wanting to.
My girlfriend does not want me to see her, and says that I am callous and selfish for wanting to.
I have made it very clear I have absolutely no romantic interest in this friend - I love my girlfriend very much.
But demanding I give up a person who I value, and is an important part of my past, is unacceptable.
I have tried in every way to reassure my girlfriend that she is all I want, desire and need.. but she remains angry and resentful.
Heeeeeeeeeeeelp.... does this particular dog-house have an exit ?
If I don't see my friend, I'm being a schmuck to her, and doing violence to myself. If I do, its going to mean bitterness and turbulence for weeks.
I feel really sad, angry and pushed around.

That's something I've suggested (even though its not actually possible this time, because my gf is out of town) - but in previous similar situations (ex-girlfriends, who happen to still be part of a group of friends for example), she has point blank refused to meet anyone I have ever been involved with or even had feelings for, however briefly.
In a way I'm glad - not because there is anything between me and this old friend, but because my girlfriend is someone who can radiate the kind of resentment that withers plants.. when she's not okay with something, she is not easy company at all.
I'm deeply upset about this - I feel my integrity is being called into question. I've never cheated on anyone in my life, and I don't like being treated as if I'm about to.
Carrie
Why do you want to continue the relationship with this dysfunctional woman? There are many nice normal women out there you could date. Why this one?
Good question, but we're not dating, we're living together - which complicates matters. As I explained, I don't feel I can abandon someone who has just lost her father, and been rejected by her (alcoholic abusive) mother. Its just not right.
Lastly (and I'm well aware that this sounds a lot like denial - but I'm comfortable with the accuracy of the assessment) - she is improving, and committed to getting help.
A few months ago, the same or a similar incident would have resulted in shouting and insults - this time we were able to discuss it normally - that's progress. After all, I can't ask that she like it - disagreeing in a calm way is a massive step forwards.
I think everyone who said you should invite her along was on the right track. Friends bring other friends along all the time. So why should it be any different with you and your girl and this other girl if the meeting is innocent?
Now, if you've already suggested this and were turned down on the idea, then the problem is not yours. It's hers. She needs to deal with her own jealousy issues and there's really nothing you can do to help her with that. You said your g/f would be out of town when the friend comes in....is there any chance you two could meet up when your g/f is available? You could always say "I can't meet you this weekedn but why don't my g/f and I meet up with you next week?" If your girl is still suspicious of you while she's there looking at both of you, knowing nothing is going on, then maybe it's time you re-evaluated your relationship and if this is the right person for you.
I have nothing to hide... unfortunately, my friend was only in town for a few days, so my partner will have to take my word on this.
Ultimately, I think that is the crux of the issue - trust. I don't feel I'm getting any.
Worse still, I'm being told that I'm selfish for not agreeing to cut this person off. My girlfriend argues if something hurt me as much, she simply wouldn't do it. (And she's threatening to "get even")
I believe it is deeply wrong. Rather than trust my account of my feelings, she is substituting her suspicions.
The idea that it would be somehow ok to demand I not see a friend because it hurts her is outrageous, as is the argument that she would so I must.
The fact that she would be willing to let me do something wrong to her doesn't entitle her to do it...
I have friends, both male and female. I also know right from wrong, and have never cheated on anyone.
Threatening my friendships and cutting me off from people is a big fat red line.