Girlfriend jealous of friend.. help !

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
Girlfriend jealous of friend.. help !
9
Sun, 05-23-2004 - 7:12pm
Crisis : an old friend of mine is coming to town. We were never involved, but my girlfriend knows I was once attracted to her - though that was more than ten years ago.

My girlfriend does not want me to see her, and says that I am callous and selfish for wanting to.

I have made it very clear I have absolutely no romantic interest in this friend - I love my girlfriend very much.

But demanding I give up a person who I value, and is an important part of my past, is unacceptable.

I have tried in every way to reassure my girlfriend that she is all I want, desire and need.. but she remains angry and resentful.

Heeeeeeeeeeeelp.... does this particular dog-house have an exit ?

If I don't see my friend, I'm being a schmuck to her, and doing violence to myself. If I do, its going to mean bitterness and turbulence for weeks.

I feel really sad, angry and pushed around.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2004
Sun, 05-23-2004 - 7:53pm
Would it be possible to have your girlfriend come along? That seems like a somewhat reasonable compromise. I don't think you are being callous and selfish, maybe your GF feels a bit left out (?) Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2004
Sun, 05-23-2004 - 9:45pm
That is exactly what I was going to suggest. How upset could your girlfriend be if she was included? I wouldn't be thrilled with my Husband going to see a friend who happened to be a girl, without me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Sun, 05-23-2004 - 11:28pm
I am not sure where you are meeting your old friend, but it does not sound like you are being selfish and callous. Does your g/f not understand that a person can be friends with someone, even after the "fire" has died? I am friends with people that I have had crushes on, that have had crushes on me, and am still friends with people that I have dated and broken up with. The meanings and roles people have in our lives change, but that doesn't mean that you can't still be "cool" with each other. Evolved people are capable of this. Burning bridges is immature and selfish. People do that and then they end up alone. Still being friends does not mean that you still want her in the same way you did way back when. It just means that she has positive, healthy qualities that makes her a good friend. Does your g/f burn bridges with all her ex's and crushes? Probably not. I am sorry that she is acting jealous. Jealousy is like mental vomit. It serves no purpose other than to show how insecure someone is and makes them very unpleasant to be around. It is passive-aggressive if she expects you to ditch your friend without actually asking you to (and just pouting about it) and it's ineffectual because you don't want to ditch your friend. If you did that, you would just resent your g/f. I agree with the previous post: Definitely give your g/f the opportunity to share in your friendship with this girl by inviting her along, then maybe she won't be so weird about it. It would make the most secure girl nervous to hear of her b/f insisting on meeting an old crush alone. Tell your g/f that this girl might really think she is cool and try to find some common ground to lay the groundwork for a good meeting. Who knows, they might hit it off and leave you out of the conversation completely!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 4:16am
>>give your g/f the opportunity to share in your friendship with this girl by inviting her along, then maybe she won't be so weird about it<<

That's something I've suggested (even though its not actually possible this time, because my gf is out of town) - but in previous similar situations (ex-girlfriends, who happen to still be part of a group of friends for example), she has point blank refused to meet anyone I have ever been involved with or even had feelings for, however briefly.

In a way I'm glad - not because there is anything between me and this old friend, but because my girlfriend is someone who can radiate the kind of resentment that withers plants.. when she's not okay with something, she is not easy company at all.

I'm deeply upset about this - I feel my integrity is being called into question. I've never cheated on anyone in my life, and I don't like being treated as if I'm about to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 11:39am
So if she was going to meet an old guy friend, that she once had feelings for, you wouldn't feel weird about it? If not, then you are with the wrong woman - you need someone that shares your same beliefs.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 12:08pm
Hi Puzzle. I remember you from the Clashing Libidos board where you are having problems getting any sex from her. This girl is now like an angry storm that you continually have to calm, work around, be abused by, be mistrusted by, and given nothing in return.

Why do you want to continue the relationship with this dysfunctional woman? There are many nice normal women out there you could date. Why this one?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 1:10pm
>>Why do you want to continue the relationship with this dysfunctional woman? There are many nice normal women out there you could date. Why this one?<<

Good question, but we're not dating, we're living together - which complicates matters. As I explained, I don't feel I can abandon someone who has just lost her father, and been rejected by her (alcoholic abusive) mother. Its just not right.

Lastly (and I'm well aware that this sounds a lot like denial - but I'm comfortable with the accuracy of the assessment) - she is improving, and committed to getting help.

A few months ago, the same or a similar incident would have resulted in shouting and insults - this time we were able to discuss it normally - that's progress. After all, I can't ask that she like it - disagreeing in a calm way is a massive step forwards.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 5:38pm
Coming from someone who's dealt with the "female friend" issue, I can tell you this...a mature woman will be okay with her man seeing an old friend IF he does not try to hide the friendship or stonewall you from actually meeting the girl.

I think everyone who said you should invite her along was on the right track. Friends bring other friends along all the time. So why should it be any different with you and your girl and this other girl if the meeting is innocent?

Now, if you've already suggested this and were turned down on the idea, then the problem is not yours. It's hers. She needs to deal with her own jealousy issues and there's really nothing you can do to help her with that. You said your g/f would be out of town when the friend comes in....is there any chance you two could meet up when your g/f is available? You could always say "I can't meet you this weekedn but why don't my g/f and I meet up with you next week?" If your girl is still suspicious of you while she's there looking at both of you, knowing nothing is going on, then maybe it's time you re-evaluated your relationship and if this is the right person for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 5:19am
>>Coming from someone who's dealt with the "female friend" issue, I can tell you this...a mature woman will be okay with her man seeing an old friend IF he does not try to hide the friendship or stonewall you from actually meeting the girl<<

I have nothing to hide... unfortunately, my friend was only in town for a few days, so my partner will have to take my word on this.

Ultimately, I think that is the crux of the issue - trust. I don't feel I'm getting any.

Worse still, I'm being told that I'm selfish for not agreeing to cut this person off. My girlfriend argues if something hurt me as much, she simply wouldn't do it. (And she's threatening to "get even")

I believe it is deeply wrong. Rather than trust my account of my feelings, she is substituting her suspicions.

The idea that it would be somehow ok to demand I not see a friend because it hurts her is outrageous, as is the argument that she would so I must.

The fact that she would be willing to let me do something wrong to her doesn't entitle her to do it...

I have friends, both male and female. I also know right from wrong, and have never cheated on anyone.

Threatening my friendships and cutting me off from people is a big fat red line.