Girlfriend/Married Man Advice
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| Thu, 03-18-2004 - 11:48am |
I feel totally betrayed because in all our discussions about previous relationships she never mentioned him (for obvious reasons). She has accused me of not being truthful with her, which I never understood because I feel that I have been completely open and honest with her. I think she is projecting her own guilts and shortcomings on me...
She has described her perception of the ideal man is a sort of father-figure. I told her that I want an equal and a partner. I know she has a strong sense of abandonment due to her parent's divorce and the fact that her dad has completely changed to fit the mold of her stepmom - leaving her feeling abandoned by her dad. I think her trust issue also stems from this.
I am totally confused. I love her very much and would like to be with her because she does have so many good qualities, but am now questioning whether I can truly trust her and if resolving things is even possible if she wants to. I guess I want to help her so that even if we do split up, she doesn't make the biggest mistake of her life and return to this guy. I think on Friday night he told her he is thinking about getting a divorce. I know that he also has children...I don't know what to do. I'm torn between wanting to be with her and believing that once a liar, always a liar.
Thoughts????

As far as the trust issue, trust is an individual thing. I suppose you just have to evaluate her as a whole person, to see if the good out-weighs the bad and if the good is real, then make your decision based on that.
I feel bad for nice guys, because bad guys have so often ruined what was tender in a woman's heart. A lot of times, I think, they just don't want to really give someone else a chance. I hope you two can work through that, because she probably justifies a lot of her behavior based on what others have done to her. Still, it's not fair to you. Perhaps she can be made to see that. I think it would be good for both of you. Best wishes.
My advice would be to help her make a different connection with you. I know you've probably done your utmost to be thoughtful and considerate, but if she has a hair trigger response to stress, like it sounds like she does, based on her unhealthy patterns, you're going to need to ask her exactly what she wants. I like the first love scene on the show "Love and Basketball". That's how every girl's first time should be. Unfortunately, it often isn't. Instead, for one reason or another, girls learn to push past their sensitivities, but in the process, they lose their ability to trust. You may need to regain the trust that others lost. It's not fair to you, but it wasn't fair to her, either. Just ask her what she wants, down to the last detail in every aspect of your relationship. Not that you should be a slave, but if you care enough to ask and be reasonably responsive, it shows you care. Best wishes.
If you can't trust her now you will never be able to trust her...........
I met with her the following night and I basically think I jumped to conclusions...but I still am not 100% convinced. We agreed to not talk or see each other for a week so she could think things over. I decided yesterday that she might need more time so I emailed her and said we should get together on Sunday instead. Her response was that the extra time wouldn't change the way she felt.
Tonight we met and the relationship is over. We agreed to try and remain friends, which I truly hope happens because I deeply care for this girl. I have spent the last few days in intense saddness and anxiety. I am extremely heartbroken that she doesn't feel the same way about me that I do about her. Ultimately, I think she may have pushed me away because she is afraid of commitment and thinks that is it better to push away than be abandoned.
Eventually I am sure I will be ok - as long as I can stop thinking about her long enough. However, if any of you are inclined to pray, please keep my ex-girlfriend in your thoughts and prayers...I really hope she is ok.
Again, many thanks for everyone's advice...it certainly has helped during a very troubling and trying period in my life.