Girlfriend/Married Man Advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2004
Girlfriend/Married Man Advice
4
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 11:48am
First, I am a man using this for the first time because I need some help. Last night my girlfriend told me that she "doesn't feel a deep soulmate-like connection with me and thinks we should take a break from each other. When I asked how she knew what that feeling was like, she said she had felt it twice before (news to me). I probed further and asked her, "with whom." One was with an ex-boyfriend that I knew about and the other was with a married man (co-worker) I just found out about last night. She was with him for two years and I am by no means convinced she has stopped seeing or communicating with him since on Friday night I believe I trapped her in a lie and that she was really with the guy. Furthermore, from what she has told me her other soulmate treated her like crap (as does/did the married man)...I see a pattern developing. She only wants guys that treat her poorly, are unattainable and abandon her. Is this possible??? She tells me all the time how sweet and thoughtful I am toward her and how lucky she is to have me. She also says that no one has ever been as kind to her as I am. If this is all true, then how can she not see that I am the "nice guy" she claims to want to much???

I feel totally betrayed because in all our discussions about previous relationships she never mentioned him (for obvious reasons). She has accused me of not being truthful with her, which I never understood because I feel that I have been completely open and honest with her. I think she is projecting her own guilts and shortcomings on me...

She has described her perception of the ideal man is a sort of father-figure. I told her that I want an equal and a partner. I know she has a strong sense of abandonment due to her parent's divorce and the fact that her dad has completely changed to fit the mold of her stepmom - leaving her feeling abandoned by her dad. I think her trust issue also stems from this.

I am totally confused. I love her very much and would like to be with her because she does have so many good qualities, but am now questioning whether I can truly trust her and if resolving things is even possible if she wants to. I guess I want to help her so that even if we do split up, she doesn't make the biggest mistake of her life and return to this guy. I think on Friday night he told her he is thinking about getting a divorce. I know that he also has children...I don't know what to do. I'm torn between wanting to be with her and believing that once a liar, always a liar.

Thoughts????

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 5:12pm
It does sound like your girlfriend has issues with her past. To the person from a dysfunctional family, the call of someone who offers a similar future is like a siren's song, the call of home and the familiar, hard to resist. My best advice would be for her to get therapy. Any therapy worth its salt changes what a person wants. It sounds like she wants things that are bad for her. Yes, I do believe a lot of women gravitate towards men who treat them poorly, are unattainable and abandon them. I think it's because they feel they can know what to expect and keep an illusion of control over their lives that way.

As far as the trust issue, trust is an individual thing. I suppose you just have to evaluate her as a whole person, to see if the good out-weighs the bad and if the good is real, then make your decision based on that.

I feel bad for nice guys, because bad guys have so often ruined what was tender in a woman's heart. A lot of times, I think, they just don't want to really give someone else a chance. I hope you two can work through that, because she probably justifies a lot of her behavior based on what others have done to her. Still, it's not fair to you. Perhaps she can be made to see that. I think it would be good for both of you. Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 8:44pm
Some thoughts keep rolling around in my head, so I guess I just have to express them. It could be that your gf is afraid of sex, and other forms of intimacy, and pushes past those feelings. The more fear she feels, the easier it is to push past them to other forms of coping: desensitization, derealization, depersonalization, etc. The scarier the guy, the more fear he provokes. She justifies lying because to her, it's all about survival and everyone's equated as pretty much the same in her mind.

My advice would be to help her make a different connection with you. I know you've probably done your utmost to be thoughtful and considerate, but if she has a hair trigger response to stress, like it sounds like she does, based on her unhealthy patterns, you're going to need to ask her exactly what she wants. I like the first love scene on the show "Love and Basketball". That's how every girl's first time should be. Unfortunately, it often isn't. Instead, for one reason or another, girls learn to push past their sensitivities, but in the process, they lose their ability to trust. You may need to regain the trust that others lost. It's not fair to you, but it wasn't fair to her, either. Just ask her what she wants, down to the last detail in every aspect of your relationship. Not that you should be a slave, but if you care enough to ask and be reasonably responsive, it shows you care. Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2004
Sat, 03-20-2004 - 4:00am
She is the reason Good Men go Bad.............Stay away, you can't fix this for her you will end up hurt in the end.

If you can't trust her now you will never be able to trust her...........

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2004
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 9:35pm
Thank you everyone who posted to this and offered advice. I just wanted to give a brief update on the outcome.

I met with her the following night and I basically think I jumped to conclusions...but I still am not 100% convinced. We agreed to not talk or see each other for a week so she could think things over. I decided yesterday that she might need more time so I emailed her and said we should get together on Sunday instead. Her response was that the extra time wouldn't change the way she felt.

Tonight we met and the relationship is over. We agreed to try and remain friends, which I truly hope happens because I deeply care for this girl. I have spent the last few days in intense saddness and anxiety. I am extremely heartbroken that she doesn't feel the same way about me that I do about her. Ultimately, I think she may have pushed me away because she is afraid of commitment and thinks that is it better to push away than be abandoned.

Eventually I am sure I will be ok - as long as I can stop thinking about her long enough. However, if any of you are inclined to pray, please keep my ex-girlfriend in your thoughts and prayers...I really hope she is ok.

Again, many thanks for everyone's advice...it certainly has helped during a very troubling and trying period in my life.