Give It To Me Straight Ladies...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2006
Give It To Me Straight Ladies...
9
Sat, 08-17-2013 - 1:18am

Ladies... My ex is back! Well actually, i initiated contact with him a few months ago after nearly 2 yrs of not speaking. I never truely let him go and I always knew in the back of my mind that we'd speak again. But I didn't expect for it to go anywhere. Since we began speaking again, he's been gradually contacting me more. The reason I initially broke up with him is because I caught him online on a dating site a month after we became official. Although he admitted later that he never physically cheated on me, I don't like the dishonesty part. Anyway, I just started talking to a new guy about a month ago and I like him so far. My ex is unaware of this. Now where it gets tricky is that my ex is honestly the best relationship that I've ever had (other than the online incident). I have even found myself comparing guys to him while dating. We were so perfect together and had it not been for what he did, we would probably still be together. He is now admitting he was wrong and dumb for what he did and that he's sorry and he would like to keep talking to me and see where it goes. He said that he wants a relationship with me again and will keep trying. After we broke up he relocated to another state to jump start his career and with the long distance, i feel that even if I gave him another shot I don't know if I could have a LDR with someone I can't trust. But he told me today that he only plans to stay where he is for about a year or so longer and then he wants to move back here. He said until then, he wants to travel back and forth often to see me and his parents and he's coming down actually starting sept. He really wants to do everything in his power to win me back and It's hard because this man still has a little piece of my heart... The same heart he broke. My bff had given me her opinion and stated that maybe i should give him another shot since he seems really remorseful, didn;t actually physically cheat, and is genuinally a good guy. But she had her reservations when it came to the long distance and my trust issues with him. Now that he has since said he plans on eventually moving back, that changes things. So my question is, should I let him prove himself overtime and give him another chance or just focus on the new guy? If I should give him another shot, should we consider getting counseling to help ensure this doesn't happen again? Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Sat, 08-17-2013 - 10:04am

In my opinion, you should always choose a man to date who you don't want to change. In this case, you have to assume his ethics have changed until he gives you reason to doubt him. I, for one, wouldn't risk my heart on someone who has said that we'd be exclusive and then still chatted with other women on the internet. This shows me that he cares more about boosting his ego, or the excitement of speaking to pretty women, or a future plan to be dating others. Even though he didn't physically cheat, he was emotionally cheating. Every moment spent surfing the web for other women could've been spent with you. As far as I'm concerned, a person's ethics are their ethics, and with my life experience of knowing others, it's rare for that to change.

Since he is long distance, it'd be a really long time before you could guage whether or not he's capable of being faithul. It takes being in close proximity to someone for a few years to see if they are long term material. You don't say how long you dated before supposedly becoming exclusive, but I imagine it was only 3-6 months. The beginnings of relationships are always magical so saying this is the best relationship you've ever had is not saying much if this is only how long it lasted. Reality sets in after the 6 month mark when you see how your partner will treat you and if any skeletons come out of the closet. Well, a skeleton did come out. As Maya Angelou says, "When someoen shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

I'd never take someone back after they did this to me. I'd start fresh with the guy with a clean slate and break off all communications with the ex. Keep cutting the losers lose until you find the treasure--a guy who is just fine the way he is and someone you don't want to change.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2006
Sat, 08-17-2013 - 10:22am

Hi Safire, we dated for several months but were serious for one month when this happened. Thank you for your comment and I love that Maya Angelou quote.

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Sat, 08-17-2013 - 7:55pm

Do you know what word came to my mind when I read your post: layaway.

You know, when you don't have the money to buy something you want at the time you see it, you put it on layaway. 

Your former boyfriend is putting you on "layaway." He's hedging his bets. He's probably dating/living with someone out-of-state and he's either recently broken up with her or she's making noises to that affect. Or, he's just playing the field with her like he was doing with you 2 years ago.

I can see why former boyfriends/spouses always hit up the EX. You're a known quantity. You have a history together. You figure you'll "give him one more chance" to see if he really fits your ideal. He figures he'll see if you'll hang around waiting for him "just in case."

Do yourself a favor: don't.

Get on with your life. Date your new guy. Tell the former boyfriend "see ya."

He's all ready shown you he can't be faithful and even when you thought it was "going great" he was looking over the fence. 

If he doesn't move back in 12-16 months then you'll know I'm right. If he does, and you're otherwise involved, oh well! 

Don't settle for a player.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sun, 08-18-2013 - 12:13am

For starters, if you don't trust a man, and you say you don't trust him, then you don't belong in a relationship with him.  But then later you state you were only "serious" for one month.  What exactly does "serious" mean?  Were you an official couple that had agreed, and I mean literally agreed verbally.......to be exclusive?  I think you should stop comparing other guys to this guy because you really didn't even know this guy very well.  You should continue seeing whomever you want to see, including him when he comes to town.  When he's back permanently, then you can give it another shot.......but right now, if you don't trust him, then you don't belong with him.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 08-19-2013 - 5:07pm

I am with Fisatore on this one.  If he does happen to actually move back permanently, and you are single, then you can reconsider.  But I would not stop dating on the chance of getting back together with your X. 

You may need to give it another shot just to suit your curiosity, I don't know.  But I also bet that he just broke up with someone.  :)  Or maybe hasn't even broke up? 

If you are stil doubting, I would seriously consider going to visit him where he lives.  If he doesn't want you to come, you have your answer.  (granted, I don't know how far away he is, but you get the gist here.)  If he was wiling to spend the money to come see you, then he should be willing to pony up some cash to send you there.  Make sense? 

Good luck and let us know what happens!  "What ifs" are so hard.

Serenity CL making a second marriage work

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011
Tue, 08-20-2013 - 4:37am

You talk about honesty and trust, however you have failed to tell your ex you are involved with someone and you sought out your ex while you were talking to this new guy; trust works both ways. As long as you are hung up on your ex and comparing him to everyone you date you will never be happy with anyone. You sought out your ex because you wanted to get back with him and when you did you knew your history with him but you contacted him anyway. Remember your ex did not contact you, so you need to stop playing games and do what you wanted and get back with him. If you get hurt you get hurt, relationships are a gamble, sometimes you win and sometimes you lose.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2006
Tue, 08-20-2013 - 9:51pm

Real.... I was not talking to anyone when i contacted my ex again and like i said, i wasn't expecting for this to happen. I figured he went looking elsewhere while we were in a relationship so obviously he wasn't that interested in me to begin with. So, i didn't think he would want to get back with me. This all just recently started happening as we began talking more. When i started talking to this new guy, my ex wasn't mentioning anything about wanting to give us another shot so i didn't feel i owed him any explanation. And I don't compare every single guy to him, i have done so with a few guys that i dated and the reason i contacted him was moreso for closure. When i found him online, i broke up with him through text and that was it. Never heard from him again. So i really think deep down inside, my initial reason for reaching out to him was for closure. And you're right... I haven't been completely honest with him about some things since we broke up. But as i said, at this point i don't feel like i owe him any explanations. There is no trust there and we are not together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2013
Tue, 09-03-2013 - 7:24pm
Cut him loose and focus on the new guy. Maybe when your ex moves back, you can see where you both are at.
Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Wed, 09-04-2013 - 12:21pm

So you weren't even dating for a year, and official for a month and already he was looking for someone new? He got bored with you very quickly, usually it takes much longer before the guy starts trolling around. So you have this mistrust in him, and you want to start something up long distance? In the meantime he has got ample opportunity to keep trolling over in his new city and online because you are not there. I think you might drive yourself crazy with anxiety over whether he is online looking for other women. I think you should date others and if he comes back to town, then maybe consider dating again when he can really prove he is trustworthy.