Given an Ultimatum

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2005
Given an Ultimatum
3
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 9:26am
I've been with my BF for a year and four months. Living together for five months. When we had been dating for a month or so in the beginning, he decided to move two hours away for better employment. Since we weren't all that serious I didn't mind. We drove back and forth to our respective cities for a year. He finally got transferred to an office in my city and he's been there for a little while now. Well, he hates his job. Picks fights with me constantly and can be controlling and verbally abusive at times. He has apologized but these episodes have scarred me. I truly love him. Sometimes, I wonder why but my heart controls my head! Anyway, on Monday he told me a friend of his offered him a much more lucrative job compared to the one he has now. Problem? It's four hours away! When I asked how we would see eachother he said he didn't know and that he is depressed from working his current job and isn't making enough money. Finally he said, "well why don't you move there with me?" I have a semi-stable job. I don't make very much but it's a job. I am just upset that he didn't just suggest we move together first thing. Instead he treats me and our relationship as an afterthought. I finally got the courage up and asked, "so basically if I don't move with you, then our relationship is over?". He said, "yeah, sorry. I guess it is." I was hurt, shocked that he could be so flip about it and instantly heart-broken. On one hand I am angry and feel he is being selfish. On the other, I feel like I certainly don't come first. Hell, I don't feel like I come in third. We are not married and I would never stand in the way of him going after his dreams but how can he be so single minded and not treat this as a "we" thing? A mutual discussion instead of an ultimatum? Help. I'm scared his uprooting and anger will never end regardless of what job he gets or where we move.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 11:32am

HE IS VERBALLY ABUSIVE AND CONTROLING!!!!! He has shown you you don't matter - let him go! I speak from experience when I tell you that verbally abusive controling men are never ever happy and nothing you ever do will make him love you. You can love him and chase after him all you want but all you will end up with is heartache and somewhere along the line you will lose yourself.

He is not just being selfish - he IS selfish and his wants, his needs, his desires will always consume him - yours will be irrelevent.

Read the book The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change? by Patricia Evans. The answer is, short of intensive therapy and accountability they don't change.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 12:54pm

Get out of this relationship now.

'can be controlling and verbally abusive at times'

That's all I need to read to know that staying will not benefit you in any way. Why have you put up with it for so long? Love is not the answer.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 2:40pm

Welcome to the board hockeylife,


:: Picks fights with me constantly and can be controlling and verbally abusive at times. He has apologized but these episodes have scarred me. I truly love him. Sometimes, I wonder why but my heart controls my head!


Your heart isn't doing the controlling here.