Giving too much??
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Giving too much??
| Mon, 04-05-2004 - 5:10pm |
I've been dating a great guy for about a year now. Our relationship is great. We both love eachother very much, and I am very happy. We haven't really ever had 'the talk' though. I have no doubts about our relationship, and I've brough it up here and there. His response has always been some sort of 'I'm just not ready for marriage' kind of answer.
Recently, he's purchased a house about a half and hour from where I live. I drive over there about every night of the week, and then drive home in the morning. He and I have been spending quite a bit of time there, fixing it up and such. I have been putting a considerable amount of time and effort into this house. I enjoy doing it, and don't at all feel obligated to do the work. However, I'm beginning to feel like a housewife. Except I don't have the house, and I'm not his wife. I would really like us to atleast talk about our future together, so that I don't feel like I'm doing all of this work for nothing. I know he's the one for me, and I believe he feels the same way. I'm just worried that one or two years down the road, I'm going to be exactly where I am now. Am I giving too much to this relationship with things being so 'up in the air'?? How can I make him want to go that extra step?
Recently, he's purchased a house about a half and hour from where I live. I drive over there about every night of the week, and then drive home in the morning. He and I have been spending quite a bit of time there, fixing it up and such. I have been putting a considerable amount of time and effort into this house. I enjoy doing it, and don't at all feel obligated to do the work. However, I'm beginning to feel like a housewife. Except I don't have the house, and I'm not his wife. I would really like us to atleast talk about our future together, so that I don't feel like I'm doing all of this work for nothing. I know he's the one for me, and I believe he feels the same way. I'm just worried that one or two years down the road, I'm going to be exactly where I am now. Am I giving too much to this relationship with things being so 'up in the air'?? How can I make him want to go that extra step?

Why would he ever want things to change? He's already got all the benefits of marriage without having to make any sacrifices or commitments. Does he give as much to the relationship as you do? Do you feel it's an equal partnership?
An hour and a half drive one way to get there, stay over and drive back the next morning is a lot. It's also a bit disturbing that he just went ahead and bought this house without you having any input, as you are there a lot, and are spending a lot of time and energy putting it into order for him. I don't think it's wise to just continue this way, unless you do have some kind of "talk". At the moment from the sound of it, it's all his way and beyond that, he doesn't sound as though he's being considerate of you. I think you absolutelyneed to know where you're headed and what he's thinking about vis a vis the relationship. One year is plenty of time to have a sense for where things are headed. Unless you get a feeling of willingness on his part to offer you a sense of future he may be planning (along with specific time frames), I would think twice about putting all this time, energy, love and focus into him and his home. (It is "his" place now, not yours). Sometimes relationships can drift along for a long while before individuals involved realize that they're on different pages. As I said, the fact that he went ahead and got this place with no input from you, doesn't bode very well. You must take care and respect yourself or the other person won't.
Best wishes.
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I'm scared to have the talk. I don't want him to feel like I'm pressuring him to make some kind of decision right now. I am young, and I don't necessarily want to get married TOMORROW. I just want to know where things are headed. I feel like everytime I try and bring it up, I end up scaring him about it. Like I'm going to freak out if I'm not married by a certain time or something. I'm just really bad about communicating these kinds of things. I don't want to give him an 'ultimatum' because I am very happy with him. But I do want to get married at some point...and I don't want to wait forever.
I know it's hard to explain things in writing sometimes. He is a great guy, and he is very considerate of my feelings. I don't want to ruin this one.