God, clean up this mess called my life

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2004
God, clean up this mess called my life
7
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 12:27pm
I am into my 25th week of pregnancy, EDD Nov 13. My Husband has been trying to get a job change to another country for sometime now, we are here due to his job being in US. He has a hectic job and works round the clock most of the days. I stay at home. Now he has an opening in the other country and shd take it up ASAP if he wants that. Which means I should be leaving for good in a week's time.

Through all the bad days of pregnancy I was mostly alone and bored in the house. I had a hard time managing morning sickness alone, so I also hoped that the change would be good if I get to stay with my family back in the other country. But now I have options made for my parents to join me here around my due date.

Now that I have slowly started gettng control over the pregnancy related issues, I DONT WANT TO GO. All these months, I was always thinking abt bringing the baby here to my current residence, I am very confident abt my OBGyn, I have my parents coming, I have built a pregnant-women-friends-circle who have due dates before/after me and I keep in touch with them on a regular basis.

I also started a painting class for kids which has become popular over the last 3 months and am getting more people who are interested. I have joined school which will start from teh month of Sept. I have my driving test scheduled.

So, things have been going good for me since my 2nd trimester. And NOW going back means no good to me from any perspective. But my husband hopes to get a better job. Risk of travel, physical and mental stress dealing with the change of setting, and leaving behind half the nursery which I have done in these months...........!! I have lost focus. I dont feel like having food or even exercising anymore. I am depressed most of the time. And believe it or not, my husband has been too busy even to sit down and talk abt this.

What would you do if you were ever to be in such a mess ? Or rather, what should I do ?

Help me make up my mind in some direction.



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 12:59pm
luxnlife...

Most women have a difficult time during the first tri-mester of any pregnancy! But you made it through...and aside from month #9...(when your husband will probably want to hide in a closet because there's NO WAY he can make you happy)...you're probably going to find things a little easier?

Pianoguy is curious? How long have the 2 of you been married? And why is there a desire on your husband's part to work in a different country? Unless he's completely unhappy at your present location...or if there are "issues" connected with your family...is 'similar work' NOT AVAILABLE where you are?

Maybe it's because he has been out looking for work, but I get the impression that you're more comfortable with your art class for kids, the fact that your parents are close by and that you have a 'network' of pregnant friends for support? In other words...there's a comfort zone where you currently are living that you don't want to give up! Your husband's desire for work and your desire for staying in the same place seem to be at odds with each other?

Your profile indicated that the best advice you ever received was: "BE THE SUN AND SHINE FOR YOURSELF!" Do you suppose that being "independent and single" is more important to you than being married?

Pianoguy (who only asks this because your post sounded like neither one of you wants to be together)


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2004
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 1:50pm
We dont have much in common - just whatever is best for him is the worst for me and vice versa. I cannot think of anything better from a marriage, since I have seen life and there is no "ABSOLUTE HAPPILY MARRIED".

I am upset because I feel like a feather floating, I can drift with any small breeze and go fall anywhere, I DONT feel that I PLAY A ROLE.

I had hoped a lot about having a carreer, leaving a name and have always worked hard as a student. I have excellent education but in our life together, at this point and as far as I can see ahead, it means that it gives me the logic to adjust myself to unfavourable corcumstances and to be a wise educated mom that is good for the kids.

I dont see myself anywhere now, except when I sit down to think. And after I think I know the time isnt right yet.

Did I conduse you ? I am not moving away from the marriage.......But I have lost myself in this marriage many times.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2004
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 1:51pm
And we have been married for 2 yrs now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 2:42pm
luxnlife...

I'll go back to my original question: "Is the work your husband is looking for NOT AVAILABLE where you currently are?"

Or do you think he senses your frustration and looking for work far, far away...is an avenue of escape (from you).

Nobody says that you can't realize your dreams (professional and personal) just because you're about to become a MOM. But I get the impression from this and your previous response...that you feel that MARRIAGE (or perhaps, YOUR HUSBAND) has inhibited or held you back in some way? It's obvious that you aren't very happy with your present lifestyle, am I right?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2004
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 6:10pm
My husband doesnt have this option anywhere but in our native country. So we have to go if he needs to get into that one.

I am not meant to have a housewife life, I am NOT mentally set that way. But its pretty much that I what I want is down somewhere in the priority list.

Well, I am going to accept this situation after thinking well. I hope it is for the good. I have NO OPTION.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-07-2004 - 12:03pm
You always have options! Its not like you are being held captive in a role for life through sinister means. Here's something to seriously consider:

You are living in a foriegn country. You likely need a bunch of legal documents and approvals, such as Landed Immigrant Status and Work Visas in order to pursue a career where you currently live. Have you done anything to get that process started? If you go back to your home country you will not need these legal documents and approvals to pursue a career. You will have family close by that can assist with your baby. You will have the comfort of known surroundings.

You are 100% responsible for taking proactive action towards your goals. If you take no action, then you forfiet the right to complain. Its your move - what are you going to do about it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2004
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 9:32pm
I have everything set right, the first yr I came here. I have the work permit and everything done.

But thanks for taking out the time to show me the brighter side of life...

I am OKAY with it. I am also trying to work out things so that I can extend the time of stay.. I made up my mind to go because MIND PLAYS tricks on you when things do not go as planned. There is just a bit of chance that I might be able to be here....It's more abt the job satisfaction for my husband.

Well, got to meet a bunch of great guys,

Good luck to all of u in life.