Going back to my ex-husband

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Going back to my ex-husband
3
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 5:29pm
Almost 2 yrs ago, I had left my husband and was served with divorce papers. My reason for leaving was because he was not only controlling in the relationship, but abusive (mentally & physically) and possessive. We have two young children, ages 5 & 7 yrs. together. During the time, they had witnessed numerous accounts of his uncontrolable behavior towards me. Which resulted in my decision to leave the unhealthy household. I moved back with my mom. We both share joint physical custody with our kids. I never once felt he would ever harm the kids. We had been through numerous counseling to help with the relationship, but we never stayed & continued the sessions more than 3-4 times. During our divorce process, he had tried to prove to me that things would change so that I wouldn't follow through with it. He even went to the extent of seeking anger management classes, etc. On the day that the divorce papers were finalized, he asked if he could hug me just to make peace and to let me know that he wanted to at least continue to be good friends, even if I couldn't be married to him, at least for the childrens' sake. When he held me, I couldn't fight back the tears. I loved this man irregardless of his faults. But I knew it was the best thing I could do to love myself and to safeguard my children. We have since then reconciled alot and I'm considering on moving back with him, although I have no intentions to re-marry at this point. I have forgiven him for his previous bad behaviors and am ready to move on with out lives. However, I still have that insecure feeling in the back of my head from the previous years we had experienced together. I do love him and I want this to work. There is no one else involved on either sides. Would I be a fool to go back?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 7:02pm

That is up to you. But, what is the point of not remarrying him when the kids are already involved if you move back in with him?


Is there a way that you can gradually spend time together without the kids? I just worry about them getting confused and getting their hopes up if you move back in with him.

 

-amy-    "CL-fiesty"

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 8:09pm
Did either of you FINISH any of the therapy? Anger mangement???

I have to tell you that I was in your situation numerous times. I think I left my ex husband 3 times before I filed for divorce. Once it was for throwing a 20in tv. Not directly at me, but while screaming at me and punching walls. His parents say he has had anger issues since he was little. Once he threw a remote at the front door, once he threw a knife holder. I realized that although he never once put his hands on me, he never once even threatened to hit me, he would, eventually. Not only that, but i was responding by throwing toasters and acting out like him. Something I am not proud of and something that I had never done, and have not done since. He was not only a bad influence on my children, he was one on me as well. On top of all that he constantly reminded me that no-one else would have me. My self esteem is still in recovery!!! I finally left when I had more proof that he was cheating. His gf called me later on and ask if he had ever hit me....he had punched her in the face and she had him arrested.

Everytime I went back it was with the assurance that he KNEW what he did was wrong, that he had went to therapy (and was on meds for a short time) That he went to anger management. He never, ever finished ANY of them. And he still deals with his temper and will forever, because no-one makes him take responsability for it. She excepts it as "him" and allows his outburst and waits for him to "cool off".

I refused to allow my son to grow up thinking that it is acceptable to deal with life in this manner. If refused to allow my son to think that it was okay to treat someone you supposedly loved in this manner. Son and I do still have to talk about these things, he was young when most happened, but he remembers.

I see no problem with returning to a man who has made REAL changes in his life. You two have children and a history. I suggest couples counseling - or maybe you should go yourself. BUT he would need to prove that these issues have been resolved. You have to think of your children FIRST in a situation like this -

I wish you luck and lots of it. Its sooooo very very hard to deal with. I know..

Take Care,

PlayNICE

 

I am co cl for "Ask Dr. Ruth" board. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 8:31am
I recommend you post this on the "Recognizing and Dealing with Domestic Abuse" board. The women there have been, or still are, in relationships with controlling, abusive men. There is also information there on 'How to tell if he has changed'. (If you go to the other board for nothing elde, please, at least read this article) Sadly, statistics show that very few abusers ever change. Something like, less than 1% and those do only after years and years of daily work in a batterer's program. Why? Because abuse is not an anger problem or a behaviour problem. It's a thinking problem - a deep value and belief system that these guys have. They live their life believing they are entitled to be the only one that matters in all their relationships. They need to control others to get their (often unrealistic) needs met. They do not respect the opinions and rights of others. They *choose* to abuse in order to manipulate compliance to their desires. If we stand up to their tactics they feel we are wronging them and they will escalate the level of abuse until they have compliance or we escape. A couple counselling sessions can not change the core of his belief system.

You and your children are living free from abuse right now. Why put any of you in harm's way again? They can still have a relationship with their father without the two of you living together. I do not know where you live but, some states will take the children away from the mother for knowingly putting them in a situation where they can witness abuse or be abused themselves.

If you think he would not harm your children, please re-read what the other poster said about him setting the example for what 'normal' is. Do you want to condem your children to that life? Right now they are learning the lesson that the consequences of hurting someone and treating them with disrepect is rejection. This is a healthy thing for them to learn.

Please go to the other board and lurk and read the information. Go talk to a counsellor who specializes in Domestic abuse before you make such a potentially dangerous decision for you and your children. If you call the national hotline they can put you in touch with local resources for that.

I have believed my stbx changed and I have prayed and dreamed of reuniting my family. He said he's changed. He said no more. Broken promises, every one! BTDT. Please, you do not have to live like that. You and your children deserve much, much more.

Good luck to you and keep looking up^, Susan.