Going Insane

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2004
Going Insane
2
Mon, 06-21-2004 - 11:04pm
My boyfriend and I have been together for about the last 6 years. I am almost 21 now and I met him when I was a freshman in high school. We have definetly had our problems but nothing that we weren't able to work out. Until now. About 2 years ago, I was helping him clean his car when I found a girls phone number under the driver's seat. He said it was just a friend of his and I never thought anything more of it. Until about 6 months after that when I was helping him pack, I found a letter he had written to the same girl about how much he liked her and that he and her should hang out sometime and that the only reason he didn't want to break up with me was because he knew I would get really upset about it. Since we went to different schools, I always had trust in him and never thought he would have done something like that. Now, I do understand that of course was in high school and we were both then and for the most part are still now really immature and don't know a whole lot about life. Then, a few months ago, I found out that he had been lying to me and every night after he and I would hang out, he would call her and then tell me that he wasn't having any contact with her. When I asked him about it, he said he had to hide it because he knew I would get mad since everything I had ever known about him and her was a lie. He swears he never told her that he liked her and that since then, he realizes what a mistake it was for him to even write that letter. But anytime I ask him to be honest with me about him and her talking, he says he will but gets defensive. Since all of this has happened, now he won't leave me alone anywhere. He won't let me touch his computer or his cell phone. He hides stuff in his room and won't let me go in his room at all. He barely even leaves me for 5 minutes in his car alone. He thinks I am a snoop when all the times I have found things out have been by mistake when helping him do either housework or something like that. Also, I have caught him in many lies since then and when I ask him about it, he does nothing but get mad and yell and we end up arguing until he says it is over. Of course, we always end up talking it out and he says he won't do it again. I love him and I know he loves me just because as much as we have been through, we have made it quite a ways. We have discussed marriage and I know that the person I fell in love with 6 years ago is definetly the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. But with him lying to me and sneaking around all the time, I don't know how to regain trust for him or if I should even bother. It has began to affect me in ways to where I can't sleep because I am worried about what I will find out next, or I am worried about what he is doing behind my back. I have asked him if he wants to just stop trying to make the relationship work and he says that he doesn't because he loves me. If he does, why won't he stop lying to me and going behind my back about things?? I am starting to feel worse about myself thinking that somehow this is my fault. If only I were a better person, but I know that isn't it. I try to make this work because I can't imagine life without him. Please, someone! I need some advice or something!! I am going completely insane!!
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-21-2004 - 11:43pm
You need to read "When Your Lover is a Liar" by Susan Forward. This is what being lied to does to you: it makes YOU insane. But none of it is your fault...he's the one who has character issues. Is this what you want the rest of your life to be like? Because that's how it will be.

The book does discuss the one set of circumstances under which you might give a liar another chance (basically you set certain boundaries with him). Read it, it will help you greatly (I recently ended a r'ship with a liar).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2004
Tue, 06-22-2004 - 12:32am
I don't want to start out by chastising you, but stop blaming yourself for his actions!!! Women do this all the time. If only I were prettier, or sexier or smarter or had better hair, or better skin, or had whiter teeth. The problem is, it has nothing to do with you! You can't trust him so don't try and justify it by almost saying it isn't really his fault. It IS his fault. He is responsible for his own actions. Dating someone for 6 years and you are only 21, doesn't leave you much experience with other people. I think he is realizing that maybe he wants to see what else is out there. I think you should to. If you don't have trust and mutual respect in a relationship, why bother?