Going through a hard time with my boyfriend and I need advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2011
Going through a hard time with my boyfriend and I need advice.
9
Tue, 08-30-2011 - 6:44pm

Sorry for the length of the message.

So my boyfriend and I are really close. We've been best friends for almost 4 years now, and we've been dating for the past 13 months. We are completely in love and even plan to get married in the future.

Recently we've been going through some problems. He's been hurt a lot lately from different people (family drama with both his family and mine, and just some other stuff on top of that.) And also I hurt him some with all the drama going on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007

Elm, I've got a lot of thoughts, but I can't really give them until I have a better understanding of what's going on.

You say that he's been hurt a lot from his family, your family and you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2011

Yea sorry, I guess I might have worded that a little wrong. There isn't much of a history at all of him forgiving me. There was only one other time in the past where I had said something and it hurt his feelings because he took it the wrong way. But I explained what I meant and all was forgotten. Other than that, he has just told me that he would always be able to forgive me for anything.

The reasons as to why he's hurt is kind of a complicated situation. There was a thing going on between my mother and I, and we hadn't been getting along very well recently. She would emotionally abuse me at times. My boyfriend was helping me through all of that. Things would get really bad with my mother, but eventually I would just give in and apologize to her and let things go her way. This happened several times. Well, about a month or so ago things got really bad because I wanted to not give in this time. I decided to keep going so that this could be worked through. My mother and boyfriend ended up getting into an argument. Mainly it was just my mom yelling at him because she thought that I was behaving this way because of him. My boyfriend already didn't like my mom all that much, and he was hurt with what she had said to him. It all became too much for me. My boyfriend wanted to help me keep going, but I told him that I might want to just stop and make things okay with my mom. I just couldn't handle all of this drama, even though I was mad at her for the things she had said to him and me. So after a few days when things had calmed down, and I had time to think, I went and apologized to my mom. I hurt my boyfriend by doing that, because it was like I just left him there. Things did get better between my mom and I, but that's when he started to become distant from me. He told me that he was hurt with the decision I had made, but I explained to him that I felt like it was the right thing to do at the time. I did apologize to him, because I really was sorry. I didn't know that he would react like this. And then when he became more and more distant I had no idea that my decision from before would have so much of an effect on our relationship.

As with his family, they hurt him a lot. Not physically, but emotionally. They tend to leave him out of things, and his mom can be crazy at times. A lot of the times it's like they want nothing to do with him. And I've witnessed it plenty of times.

I hope maybe all of this gives a little more of a view into the problem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I'm curious--before I add anything else--how old are you & your BF and do you live w/ your mom or parents?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2011

I am 18, and he is 19. I am still living at home right now. It's just me, my mom, and my younger brother who is in high school. I'm a freshman in college, and going to a local community college. I am trying to work on opening up more to people. I really do want atleast one other good friend, it's just hard to open up sometimes since I'm kind of shy. I'm getting better little by little though.

As for the thing between my mother and boyfriend, he doesn't like my mom all that much because she does come off as a bit annoying. I find her extremely annoying a lot of the time to where I can't even stand touching her. But it's not just that, it's mainly because he's seen how hurt I've been when things go down between my mother and I, and the way that she'll treat me. So of course if there is someone hurting the person you love, you are probably not going to like that person very much. And even in the beginning before my BF and I started dating he could always tell she didn't really like him, even though he would try his hardest to get her to like him. And my mom didn't like him in the beginning basically just because she didn't know him and made judgments in her head that were not true about him at all. Once she found out he was a good person though, she did like him a lot more, but she still thinks that he's trying to manipulate me or something, but if she actually really knew him, then she would know that he is the total opposite of that.

I've talked about this to my mother recently and she trusted in my opinion of him. She can be emotionally abusive, but things are good between us right now. Just hopefully things can be even better with me and my boyfriend really soon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

You won't like what I have to say......but I will anyway.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007

Thanks for the extra info Elm, it really helps a lot.

I'm glad I held my initial thoughts because I thought you'd actually done something to hurt him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009

I agree with this wholeheartedly.

You may think your mother doesn't understand your relationship but she is more astute than you think... Mothers have a very keen interest in their daughters' feelings and therefore relationships, and when their daughters aren't happy, they are VERY aware of it.

I remember when my mom would tell me about my relationships, "if you're happy then I'm happy". I realized later in life (I'm 28) that this was the wisest thing she could say at the time, because she didn't want to infringe on my decisions, but at the same time she knew I wasn't happy and it was her way of letting me know that.

None of those relationships worked out, by the way. When I met my current SO (of almost seven years), she got to know him and let me know she definitely approved. I don't require her approval, but at the same time, she is a wiser woman than I, and her opinion is something I would be stupid to ignore. If you value your mother's opinion, it's worth considering that she may have some very valid reasons for having it. NO mother wants to see such strife for her daughter, and it is very upsetting for a mom to watch the daughter she wants to be strong and independent become so dependent on a man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2007

I can understand why your boyfriend is feeling hurt/frustrated. It sounds like your mother may be emotionally abusive and that he had been helping you work through some of that. Then, she goes on the attack again and this young man stood up for you to her. This is not an easy thing for a kid his age to do. He put himself on the line to stick up for you. Still, though you have done nothing wrong, you apologize to your mom again. I can see where he would feel like you were disloyal to him. However, he has to understand that you have to live with her so you need to smooth things over.

Katie B
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
I agree with you.

And am wondering why the OP apologized to her mom after she verbally attacked her boyfriend.