Goldigger or Smart Woman

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2004
Goldigger or Smart Woman
14
Sun, 06-06-2004 - 7:12pm
I am probably going to get blasted for this, but I think it is a legit question.

I've dated and I've had several relationships, and I have heard more bullcrap coming out of men, trying to get into my pants, more than I care to count.

When a guy says he cares, and he is in love, and if he has the where with all to help you out monetarily wise, then, isn't it a fair assessment, that to test someones love for you, it is fair to see if they are willing to put their money where their mouth is?

I have found, that those that give the most in this regard, for the most part, care the most. Now I am not talking about breaking a partner, I am only talking instances where he obviously has the money, and he knows you are struggling, and in a predicament, wouldn't a guy who says they care, come through?

Well, I am dating, well dated, this guy. He is pretty well off. We get along fairly well. I thought I was going to be "his partner for life" as he calls it.

Long story short, my abusive ex went after me for custody, (long story) and financially, it really took a toll on me. The trial dragged on and on, and coming up with the money to stay in the battle was hard. I had JUST started my business at the time, and asked my "partner for life" if he could help me through this bad and temporary spot.

I was very surprised and disappointed with his goofy responses. He said he had to think about it, and then, he was making up all these excuses, saying that his brother owes him money, and his brother disappeared on him, and how he did not want that to happen to us. How he did not want me to all of sudden, keep my distance, beause of the money he "lent" me. (then just make it a gift then!!) He also made up some lame excuse about negotiating with my attorneys, (yeah right) and then finally he said he would send me a gift, which when I got it, it was a check for a whole $200.

With this, I knew that I was just not as important in his life as he said I was. It was just a bunch of lip service in my mind, and his way of telling me where i stood. We live in two different states, and he flies me in to see him. When I am there, he wines and dines me, and we go to fancy restaruants. He buys and sells properties, and he is able to come up with cash like it is nothing. And he is constantly telling me about how successful he is, and this and that.

So when he responded like this to me, I was very disapointed. I broke up with him, stopped giving him the goodies, although we still talk. But with each conversation, he will still expect the same type of relationship, and asks to come see me, and fly up here, and the like. Since I now think he is full of crap, I never give in to his requests. But I do get annoyed that he asks.

I tapered things off, and just told him, no more rendevous. He failed my "test" , and I do not like people who lie and say they care, when they really don't. He did not step up to the plate.

Now, seven months later, he is still bothering me, expecting me to fly all around the world with him. Since the trial, I've picked myself up, and just worked hard to come up with the money myself. I had to let a few people go at the office, as I could not afford to pay them, but now, business is looking up again. I am glad I figured it all out myself, but I am disapointed at his response to me during that difficult time, and now I am getting annoyed that he just does not get it, and how I am not going to see him anymore. He does not deserve me.

If the shoe were on the other foot, I would've gladly help him out.

I know a lot of people would call me a gold digger, but I just do not see it that way. Why be involved with someone who is just going to use you? I do not want to be used.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Sun, 06-06-2004 - 9:20pm
I do pity your situation. And I commend you for digging yourself out of this hole by yourself - you did great all on your own.

However, I do not think you can blatantly ask your SO for money just because you see that he has more than you. I know you were going through a very stressful time, but it is my belief that you can explain your situation and then see if he offers. If he does that is great and if he doesn't that is okay, too. And as it is, he did send a little - you should thank him for that, not chastise the amount.

It seems that it is not his action/inaction that killed this relationship - it is your expectations, your ingratitude and your attitude.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Sun, 06-06-2004 - 9:55pm
400 years ago, William Shakespeare wrote "Neither a borrower nor a lender be, for loan oft loses both itself and friend, and borrowing dulleth the edge of husbandry (thrift)."

Your ex seems to be wiser than you in such matters. Borrowing and lending between friends and family members is one of the quickest - and oldest - ways to destroy the relationship.

Also, in my opinion, it is unseemly for a single woman to accept ANY substantial gift (or loan) from an unrelated man. Call me old-fashioned if you wish, but such transactions always imply an expected reciprocity. Its far better to resolve your financial problem the way you ultimately did - on your own and with no help from anyone. In the future, never expect money or extravagant gifts from a man you are dating. It makes you look grasping.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2004
Sun, 06-06-2004 - 10:45pm
Yes, I guess you are right, i guess it does look like I am grasping, but obviously not, since I did not push the issue, and I had a "wait and see" approach, and he responded, that was that.

I just do not like guys that talk a lot of trash. He showed where I was on his list of prioritites, so no, I am not going to leave my business, and travel with him, and all this other stuff, since he claimed to have cared, and he obviously does not care.

I am pissed that he wants the goodies, and does not want to earn it. That is all. I learned my lesson with my ex. We were 18 when we got married, and I was very naive. Now, I would not give myself away like that. Actions speak louder than words.

And since then, I have found someone that has recipicated, and I have the love of my live. Why does this guy, keep bothering me?????????? I mean seven months later? and he is still talking, the same talk? Partner for life and all that crap? I told him to leave me alone. That I was involved.

I think more women out there should be less giving, and more taking.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2004
Sun, 06-06-2004 - 10:50pm
So yes, you are right, it was me that killed the relationship. I guess it was my attitude, or ingratitude as you call it. Like I said, I would've done for him in a heart beat.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 12:23pm
Wow. This is a deep one. First off, I wouldn't call you a gold digger because you aren't purposely choosing men who have money. You're just demanding the money that your chosen men may have.

While it's not my place to judge your actions or dating dealbreakers, I must say you might be a little short sighted on this. For one thing, how do you know the man actually has the money you think he has? He could be flying you in on a friend's frequent flyer miles. He could be breaking his budget to wine and dine you each time you come into town, just trying to impress you. Another thing is that even though you see a certain number or figure in someone's bank book, that doesn't necessarily mean that it is free, expendable cash. It could be that at the time you asked, the $200 he sent was all he could spare, and if that's true then shouldn't you be grateful that he gave his last free dollars to help you instead of being upset that you didn't get more?

You can't measure someone's love for you by how much they roll over and cave in to your every wish. To assume that someone who loves you will fork over cash whenever you want it is very misguided. And this line:

"I am pissed that he wants the goodies, and does not want to earn it. That is all."

The only people who equate "giving up the goodies" with earning it by paying money are...well....do we really need to go there? There are a lot of other things a man who loves you can do for you besides writing you a check, and if you keep looking along those lines, you could end up with a man who is nothing but an a**hole with a checkbook.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 4:29pm
I know you have been hurt by men. But I feel you do not know what LOVE is yet. LOVE has nothing to do with MONEY. You are confusing yourself here. NO ONE deserves somebody elses money. Unless they are working for somebody and the income is in writing. So get off the money kick and learn to make your own money.

Perhaps that man was just using you for sex and you feel bad about this so you are using the money issue to break it off with him because you are afraid you will fall into bed with him again. I can understand a person doing this.

Please discover how to LOVE men and have them LOVE you. Discover what LOVE is, you do deserve this. Everybody does!.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2004
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 5:06am
First off, regardless of what anyone says around here, money is a dynamic in ALL relationships. We've all heard to often, complaints about a partner who is not carrying their weight, and how the other partner feels resentful and used.

Second of all, in my request, I've heard responses described as "grasping" or "demanding" but I think too much is being read into this. Nothing was ever demanded, it was just a request, that is all. He gave his response, and that was that. Never harbored on it or anything, in fact, the guy is clueless as to what I am really thinking.

And I am very aware that love does not equal money. Like my boyfriend I am now engaged to, did not have a job when we met. He is so sincere, and I never questioned his motives, I happily took care of everything monetarily, because I could. In time, eventually he did find his way, and because our lives are intertwined, and involved, he did end up contributing monetarily, and that is the natural thing to do. When you care about someone, and have the where with all to help them, you help them.

I guess my request, was more of a test more than anything, to comfirm where his true intentions are. In this case, this involved money. We all know situations where we find out "who are true friends are" and how you can be let down and disappointed. How do you look at a person the same, when they say they care, but they were too busy to visit you in the hospital, or things of the nature, or they said they were coming to your wedding, and then just blew it off. You would look at them differently, wouldn't you? Personally, I find it hard to be attracted to someone who is not sincere, and giving. Either way, he misrepresented himself. I do not understand why this guy keeps pestering me. It is just annoying.

I just can not get over the fact how goofy his responses to my request was. I would've actually had respect for him, if he just said no, rather than making up all kinds of excuses as why he did not want to help, knowing that he throws money away like it is water. I think if someone is drowning, you do not offer them a glass of water, and then walk away and say, "well good luck" I just did not look at the guy the same after this.

He talks a lot of talk, and I am not going to lie, I enjoyed the times we had together, but some where a long the line, I just did not think he was being sincere. He was talking marriage, talking like we would be partners for life, but other than him flapping his gums, and being possessive, I did not see any evidence of his sincerity.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and everyone has the right to choose certain qualities in a partner that they find attractive. I find it funny that men rarely get blasted for dating women for their physical attributes, but women get blasted for only dealing with men who are well off.

It does not matter anymore. I am not seeing this guy anymore, I lost total interest, and I am happily engaged now to someone who has "earned it" sorta speak. It has been seven months, so I think my ex will get the hint, eventually. I am just confused at why he keeps contacting me, thinking we are still going to be partners for life, and crap. Please.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 9:53am
I think you were totally justified in your actions of treating the way are. I mean if someone talks a good game and says that they want you in their life and can afford to fly you out to him, wine and dine you. I think they should be able to help you out in your time of need. You weren't being a gold digger, you were in a bind and needed some help. I've had a few similar situations and it's better to know what your dealing with early on. Some folks offer so much lip service and sadly have no desire to back it up. I think you were right in asking him, especially since there was talk of a potential for a future together.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2004
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 10:33am
Looks like you and me are the only ones that actually have expectations of our partners. Thanks for your response.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 10:35am
Like I said before, I am not in any way calling you names or putting you down for your decision. Everyone has the right to choose a partner on their own terms. However, whether or not you told him how you felt about not getting the money, you were in essence demanding it. You asked him not as a friend would ask another friend for a favor. If you had asked a girlfriend you had known for years and considered like a sister, and she said no, would you have cut off the friendship? No, you asked with the assumption that he "had" to give it to you if he loved you. End of story. While your true intentions may have never been revealed to him, you were essentially demanding he give that money or lose your love.

By using this standard, you're also setting up a dangerous precedent for your upcoming marriage. What are you going to do when you're knee deep in joint bills and your husband says you can't have $X amount of money to do what you want because it's not practical at the moment? Are you going to all of a sudden think he doesn't love you anymore? What about when the honeymoon phase is over and the man who is showering you with gifts and money right now cuts off the supply? What happens to your knight in shining armor then?

And as for the guy's goofy excuses, the only time I've seen a man act that way is when he knows his relationship rests on his answer to your question and he doesn't know how to tell you no without losing you. So while you thought he "had no idea", the fact that he made up excuses instead of just telling you no says that he had a good idea of how you'd react. He probably knew that if he didn't have the money to give you and he told you that, you would leave him, and I guess he knew you well. My best guess judging from the behavior of many men I know is that while you think he was a high roller, he really didn't have as much as you banked on. So I hope your new man turns out to be everything you imagined, because my humble guess is that you may have thrown away a man who really cares about you but just couldn't afford your tastes or lifestyle. Hopefully years from now, he doesn't become your "one that got away". Good luck and God bless.

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