Good enough to live with...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Good enough to live with...
7
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 2:03pm
My boyfriend has been married several times. I have never been married, only have lived with several men. We are in our 40's, both successful, both renting. We want to buy a house together, but now I'm feeling uncomfortable doing that unmarried. We've only been together a year, and I understand him not wanting to get married right away, although he says when he is ready he will ask me. I guess I feel like I'm good enough to make a financial investment with, but not good enough to make a marriage committment with. I also think the level of contracting necessary to protect our individual financial risks with a house, if unmarried, would be a nightmare. I don't want to pressure him, but he is feeling manipulated. We have horses, Harleys, snowmobiles, and it is all scattered around both our places because we don't live together. Neither one of us wants to keep renting, and I don't know why I need to be married to live with him. I keep saying to my friends I'm "practically married" and they say "where's the ring"...should I at least push for an engagement, just back off for awhile? He gets mad when I bring it up, like I should just trust him, buy the house and HOPE that he decides at some point I'm marriage-worthy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
Fri, 05-30-2003 - 7:29pm
I would not do it either. I have had a few diffrent problems with my ex-boyfriend. A house will probly be the most important investment you will ever make. If you can I would say do it by yourself, and if things don't work out you will still have your investment. good luck. sm
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 05-30-2003 - 3:20pm
I am not sure that making an investment together like buying a house without being married is so bad. Have you looked into it? Wouldn't both of your names be on it so that if you sold you would split the profits? Have you spoken to a lawyer/real estate agent? On the other hand do you live in a state where you would receive 50% of everything in case of a divorce?

If you don't care about being married versus living together then don't worry about it. If it is important to you, and not just your friends, to be married then talk to your boyfriend about it.

Or how about the option of buying a house/condo alone?

How do you feel about marrying someone who has been divorced so many times?


Edited 5/30/2003 3:24:19 PM ET by ciao_gina

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Fri, 05-30-2003 - 2:24pm
I agree with the other posters; you should not buy a house with him. I think his response to you bringing up marriage tells you all you need to know. He gets angry when you talk about it...doesn't sound like he is going to come around to your way of thinking any time soon. I do want to point out, though, that first you said you "understand him not wanting to get married right away", then the rest of your post proved otherwise. Maybe you are not being exactly straight-forward with him? Perhaps that is one reason why he is having his doubts? If he's been married several times he is probably very aware of this kind of manipulation, and you might want to ask yourself why you are so eager to commit yourself to someone who doesn't seem to take marriage very seriously. Just a thought.

April

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-30-2003 - 12:30pm
Actually buying a home together is a huge committment, and as you say, if the relationship does not work out, could be a nightmare to disengage from. You should not make a committment like this unless you feel certain that this is going to last, and also that you are "marriage worthy" as you put it. Obviously, there is a level of respect and acknowledgment here that you desire, and it is perfect normal and healthy to feel that way. The fact that he does not feel able to do this right now, probably has to do with his bad history at being married and fear of another failure. Most likely, it is not because of you, or that he does not feel you are worthy. I would not personalize this situation, but I would also be very clear about what I needed to feel comfortable making a financial investment of this level with him. Your needs matter and it is quite normal and understandable to want to be married before you buy a home with a man. If he wants to go further with the relationship and buy a home together, he needs to deal with his issues about marriage.

Best wishes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Fri, 05-30-2003 - 10:01am
I would NOT buy a house with him until you are engaged.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 10:27pm
That is excellent advice.
Avatar for dansamy
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 4:18pm
DO NOT buy a house together. It's a legal nightmare when you're not married. To protect yourself & your financial well-being, you'll have to cover your a$$ with loads of legal paperwork. Without it, it will be a nightmare if/when you guys split or if one of you dies. Financially speaking, it's a bad decision. If you don't want to rent anymore, buy yourself a place that is YOURS.