good or bad?- doing things alone

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
good or bad?- doing things alone
2
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 2:57pm
my boyfriend are at odds about doing things without the other. i think we should go alone or with other freinds to do things that the one enjoys. i'm not saying anything crazy,inconsiderate, or dangerous, just what makes one happy. i think it is o.k. to go play golf, go play water volleyball, or bowling without the other person. he thinks i'm trying to push him away but that is far from the truth. i've tried to expain to him that 98%-99% of the time i want to be with him when he wants to go do thing like golf but there are going to be times i don't want to go. i told him it wouldn't bother me and in fact i would want him to go do what he enjoys doing, but he says no that he just wouldn't go. i've tried to explain to him that sometimes i know that he's not going to want to go watch me bowl if he's tired or wants to go do something else ,but he says he'd go with me anyway. personally i wouldn't want him to go if he didn't want to go because i'd feel guilty for him giving up something he enjoyed doing. then if i felt guilty then i would be letting my team down because i wouldn't be able to concentrate or relaxe. i even went so far as to say i would not stay home because then i would be letting my team down and he made the comment that means the team means more to me than him. am i the one in the wrong? is it really so wrong to do things apart every now and then? all the marriages i've seen that have lasted more than 3-5 years each as had their own thing to do without the other with in reason, and like i said i only want to do things maybe 1-2% of the time. really confused!!, HEYTAYTAY
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 5:40pm
I have to chime in. I went through this months ago and I was your BF. My husband wanted to go to the bars alone. It made me feel very left out and my mind started playing the "why doesn't he want me to go" game. I came here and asked the same question. The doc told me to let him have his freedom. So I decided to let go and not complain when he went out. I finally realized that it wasn't the fact he was going alone, I didn't care about that but it was the fact that he didn't ask if I wanted to go which made my mind get all twisted. If he did ask me I would say no because everyone needs space. Ever since then, he has asked and I have declined a few time. He needs to understand that it has nothing to do with him being left behind. Me and my husband spend 98% of our time together and after years of feeling this way it finally clicked. Just hang in there. Just talk to him about it. Now my husband realizes why I acted the way that I did and said he put it in a bad way as to why he wanted some alone time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 5:04pm
For me a healthy relationship involves two independent happy people who choose to spend time together - spending time alone doing other activities is really great and healthy and allows the two of you to miss each other and later, to share stories about where you've been and what you've done. Your bf sounds insecure and needy on this issue.