good relationship, bad sex life

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2004
good relationship, bad sex life
Sat, 05-08-2004 - 8:43pm
would like some advice on sexual incompatibility - can it be fixed? this is less about freqency,which is it's own issue, than the fact that after 4 years my girlfriend and i still rarely have good sex and it's often frustrating. we have a good relationship and don't want to give each other up but the sex issue is getting to really need to be resolved. the obvious suggestion is talk about it, figure out what to do differently - especially me to her - but actually, talking is a lot of the problem; i've tried and tried to talk with her and have done so so much she says talking has killed it and she now hates having sex with me, and really hates talking about it. this also leaves counseling out. she doesn't know what she likes so it's just frustrating to her to be asked and when all i hear is what NOT to do, i feel frustrated. I've had good sex with other people before so I don't think I just totally suck. but I can't 'read' her as she puts it; and when I do something right and things go well, then the next time when I go to move or touch her the same way, it tickles or hurts or irritates her. i really love her. i also really need decent, regular sex and to not have this thing between us; with the exception of the occassional bickering, it's really the only thing we fight about.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 05-08-2004 - 9:58pm
if you care to see your future, look at how things are now.

i would break up with her.

counseling? but you're not even married yet - why go through all that effort when you two are not compatible?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-09-2004 - 1:01am
It will be much worse if you get married. She may have been sexually abused as a child or just dislikes sex. Heck, she could be ASEXUAL. Look on the ASEXUALITY boards. (Do a search and pull up AVEN) Get away while you can. Believe me you don't want this problem and the fact she won't even talk openly about it gives you a hint of the "terrible nightmare that will come to be" if you marry her forever! Tell her "Thanks honey for letting me know how you really are about sex now!", then dump her. This "relationship" is not worth the heartache and rejection you will feel later. Take it from one who knows.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 05-09-2004 - 5:43am

sadly, i agree with the others, and this is speaking from my own sad experience.

as much as you would like to, *YOU* cannot solve this, this is obviously a problem that SHE has. i am currently getting out of a 7 year marriage with NO sex at all, and i did have a normal and healthy sex life before this, so i know - as much as my idiot STBX would like to put the blame on me - that its not ME. but part of our extremely dysfunctional relationship was that *I* would try to *help* him with ALL his issues, and like you - i "couldn't" really discuss the sexual issue becuase "he" couldn't deal with it (he would literally walk out of the room if i would raise it - and trust me it was not something i raised every day).

but - of course, the sexual issue was nto the ONLY issue, there were mucho problems, and the sexual issue was one of the major ones.

you need to ask yourself if you can accept things AS IS? if not, then you need to leave. if you want to "try" and help then you can suggest that SHE seeks help. if she wont' - then there's your answer. and don't even TRY to figure out what is "wrong" - don't even go there. as i said - BTDT....

sadly - this will not only not get better - but it will get worse, and i assure you that as time goes by, the other 'issues' (that are there all along, only you can't/won't see them) will start crawling out of the woodwork.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2004
Sun, 05-09-2004 - 9:47am
Please encourage your girlfriend to go see her doctor to talk about this. Her doctor will be a neutral third party who can then refer her to a psychiatrist if necessary. If you really care for and love this person, do not abandon her. She obviously has problems that will continue after you are gone if they are not resolved. She could have been abused as a child or have a medical condition that makes sex painful. Sex between a couple in love should be a very pleasurable experience, both physically AND emotionally. It should bring a couple together, not tear them apart.

Even if things do not work out between you do, you will be helping a person that you care deeply for.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2004
Sun, 05-09-2004 - 8:53pm
wow, it's hard to hear people saying it will get worse, though you may all well be right. i have suggested counseling before but I'm the only one with health insurance, so it's expensive for us, and I also know she's not a big believer in it. well, let me add this and see if you still feel the same. when we got together we were both using alcohol and drugs and have both gotten clean in the past two years. the reason she has a hard time knowing what she likes is no experience besides me having sober sex. also, i realize i've pretty much worried this topic to death and have got to be somewhat to blame for having really blamed and bugged her and not shut up, paid attention, worked to intuit her and let things develop more naturally, though I do believe her sexual abuse issues are a huge thing too. what if I just let things lie, quit bugging her, and try to just let things happen?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 12:48pm

look - this is really not about *YOU* and *YOU* cannot solve this for HER. yes, you can support her, you can encourage her, but you cannot DO THIS *FOR* HER.

you are either putting yourself - or you are allowing her to put you - into a situation where for some reason this has become YOUR fault. <<also, i realize i've pretty much worried this topic to death and have got to be somewhat to blame for having really blamed and bugged her and not shut up, paid attention, worked to intuit her and let things develop more naturally>>

no, you are not to BLAME. it is absolutely normal to want to

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 1:27pm
I'm sure there are a few free counseling programs for victims of sexual abuse. It would be a step in the right direction.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 2:15pm
I agree with sk1960 on some points but I also believe that just because she is at a point now where she doesn't want help and can't "perform" doesn't mean she never will. Personally I believe that you've tried all that you can and have invested ample amount of time and effort into trying to save this relationship. If she doesn't care enough about you to want you to have a good sex life and doesn't see that you NEED this then I say hard as that may be. Once she sees that your leaving and that you really do feel that this is a big enough problem to cause such drastic measures then maybe she'll seek the help she needs(and if she DOES then it's your choice weather you come back or not).I mean you've tried and suggested everything else. I think this is only fair to you, however it's your time that your investing and it may or may not get better. That's a 50/50 chance we can't make for you. I think there's always a chance she'll finally seek the help she needs but if so then when? It could be tomorrow and it could be 10 years from now. That's what you really need to take into consideration...badgering her will only make her more reluctant to change and seek help however dropping it all together will make her think it is no longer an issue (which could be good or bad-if it is no longer an issue she could continue just the way she is or she could loosen up and "learn" to be better on her own because there's not as much pressure from you to perform good). Just some food for thought.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 1:27pm
Not sure if I missed it, but was the possiblity of abuse speculation or a fact. If there is no abuse in her past that you know of, maybe this will be helpful. If this is a matter of bad sex only, try something. It might be harder for someone who really cares about you to tell you that they don't like your lovemaking style than for someone who really doesn't care. Maybe she just can't tell you some technique because it is more a mood or gesture that makes her feel sexy than some particular thing you do. Try looking into some unconventional materials about making love, like tantric or some other of the Eastern philosophies on the subject. It is very hard to tell someone you love that they are boring in bed or that they way they touch you is so predictable that it makes you cringe. Just try some new approach that is totally out of the ordinary for the two of you, maybe something not even related to sex and see where it leads. Unfortunately, you can't be a mind-reader, but if this type of effort doesn't get anything going in the right direction, than she probably loves you as a person, but not as a lover. In that case, I would have to agree with everyone else and tell you it will only get worse as time passes. Good Luck