good relationship, bad sex life
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good relationship, bad sex life
| Sat, 05-08-2004 - 8:43pm |
would like some advice on sexual incompatibility - can it be fixed? this is less about freqency,which is it's own issue, than the fact that after 4 years my girlfriend and i still rarely have good sex and it's often frustrating. we have a good relationship and don't want to give each other up but the sex issue is getting to really need to be resolved. the obvious suggestion is talk about it, figure out what to do differently - especially me to her - but actually, talking is a lot of the problem; i've tried and tried to talk with her and have done so so much she says talking has killed it and she now hates having sex with me, and really hates talking about it. this also leaves counseling out. she doesn't know what she likes so it's just frustrating to her to be asked and when all i hear is what NOT to do, i feel frustrated. I've had good sex with other people before so I don't think I just totally suck. but I can't 'read' her as she puts it; and when I do something right and things go well, then the next time when I go to move or touch her the same way, it tickles or hurts or irritates her. i really love her. i also really need decent, regular sex and to not have this thing between us; with the exception of the occassional bickering, it's really the only thing we fight about.

i would break up with her.
counseling? but you're not even married yet - why go through all that effort when you two are not compatible?
sadly, i agree with the others, and this is speaking from my own sad experience.
as much as you would like to, *YOU* cannot solve this, this is obviously a problem that SHE has. i am currently getting out of a 7 year marriage with NO sex at all, and i did have a normal and healthy sex life before this, so i know - as much as my idiot STBX would like to put the blame on me - that its not ME. but part of our extremely dysfunctional relationship was that *I* would try to *help* him with ALL his issues, and like you - i "couldn't" really discuss the sexual issue becuase "he" couldn't deal with it (he would literally walk out of the room if i would raise it - and trust me it was not something i raised every day).
but - of course, the sexual issue was nto the ONLY issue, there were mucho problems, and the sexual issue was one of the major ones.
you need to ask yourself if you can accept things AS IS? if not, then you need to leave. if you want to "try" and help then you can suggest that SHE seeks help. if she wont' - then there's your answer. and don't even TRY to figure out what is "wrong" - don't even go there. as i said - BTDT....
sadly - this will not only not get better - but it will get worse, and i assure you that as time goes by, the other 'issues' (that are there all along, only you can't/won't see them) will start crawling out of the woodwork.
Even if things do not work out between you do, you will be helping a person that you care deeply for.
look - this is really not about *YOU* and *YOU* cannot solve this for HER. yes, you can support her, you can encourage her, but you cannot DO THIS *FOR* HER.
you are either putting yourself - or you are allowing her to put you - into a situation where for some reason this has become YOUR fault. <<also, i realize i've pretty much worried this topic to death and have got to be somewhat to blame for having really blamed and bugged her and not shut up, paid attention, worked to intuit her and let things develop more naturally>>
no, you are not to BLAME. it is absolutely normal to want to
Carrie
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