Great Guy, but Financially Challenged

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Great Guy, but Financially Challenged
5
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 9:39pm
Here is my problem - I'll put it out there to the "Unknown Sages of the Internet" to see what I get back!

My SO and I have been together for over 9 years (I'm 43, he is 37). Two years into the relationship (long distance - getting together every weekend), we decide that since we have a real shot at a long term future together. He decides to quit his job at Home Depot (which was going nowhere) and go back to school and get his engineering degree. This was at the end of the 90's, when the economy was still going strong.

Despite the fact I really did not want to do the cohabitation thing again without a firm wedding date (too much work for questionable committment), I let SO move in with me, as the school he is attending is close by, and it makes life infinitely easier for him. We split most of the bills, but I continue to carry the rent. He proves the best roommate I ever had, in terms of compatibility.

He graduates in June 2003, after the economy in the area really takes a nosedive. Most of his graduating class still do not have jobs. The university placement office even admits it has been the worst drought of entry-level jobs in years, even for computer science majors. Those that do get jobs either left the area (not an option for us, as his dad passed away a few years ago, mom is dependent on him being somewhat close by, plus they own commerical property that is involved in a litigation - way too complex of a situation to leave), or got jobs in family businesses.

A year later, the job market still sucks. I'm beginning to get resentful that we are now FIVE years living in my 1-bedroom, and I'm still carrying the financial load. He makes a great house husband - I came home to gourmet meals, the apt. cleaned, ect... Even though I've got a great "wife", what I really want is an equal partner. I finally ask him to move in with his mom at the end of June 2004, as I got tired of supporting him. No argument from him - I think we both felt relieved.

This is a theme with me: always supporting my boyfriends! Most of the previous ones were definite losers with little to offer, but current SO has a multitude of other good qualities, most of which most women would give an eyetooth to have (comfy with committment, intelligent, thoughtful, polite, ect..). If he had a job, and our lives could "move on" - things would be disgustingly perfect. He completely raided his 401K to fund school (this is a guy that takes such things seriously), started practically from the beginning with high school math for his degree, borrowed, ect.... I personally watched all the blood, sweat and tears during his degree program. If you think an all-nighter is a bitch when you are in your early 20's, try that in your mid-30's!!! Try doing a group project with a bunch of naive 20-somthings, when you've experienced owning and running your own business.

The fact that our future is on hold for so long due to the bad economy finally drove me into a depression (I'm on Lexapro, which is helping tremendously). WHY does this always happen to me? Even when I pick an upstanding, intelligent, mature guy, WHY do I end up the more financially stable one? How long can someone hold out waiting for "the future"?

I cannot imagine life without this person - he's also my very best friend. I cannot swallow breaking off a relationship like this, simply because of bad timing. But, jeez, how can a person be so.....dependent like this? He's got an old fashioned streak - I have no doubt that if he landed a job that paid very well, he'd say to me: "Knock off for a few years, let me take care of things for a while" or "Make that job switch you've always wanted". But, he seems utterly ill-equipped to deal with the current economic situation. I've given him TONS of advice, but he simply feels that if he cannot get a job remotely related to his education, he's not interested.

Ack!!!!!!

Whew - thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 5:15pm
You have to accept him for what he is and is not. If he makes you happy and the financial situation is the only thing standing in the way, either let him go or the reservations about him being financially challenged. I'm sure you have tried to let it go but you have to ask yourself what is ultimately more important. He did try to make an effort to make a better life for himself going to school and all but sometimes life dosen't work out the way we plan. Life is too short and money can't buy love, happiness or good qualities.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2004
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 6:30pm
Oh my! What a choice ... I can see why you're so torn. But I know the financial situation can become a very big issue as a relationship moves forward. Is there a chance he could commute to a near-by area and find work in his field? Or perhaps start a business of his own? It seems that with everything else you two have going for you, there should be an answer to this problem. Have you talked with him and told him how you feel? It sounds like he's someone you can be open and honest with. Good luck to you. I hope it all works out for you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 8:07pm
So true - that's what I keep coming back to: so many people don't get to have a relationship like this. It truly is a classic: Spiritual vs. Material conflict.

Thanks for your thoughts!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 8:12pm
Thanks for your understanding. Yep, it is tough. He's really good at the whole "research" aspect of job hunting. He's cast the net as far and wide as he possibly can. However, being a typical "introverted nerd type", he's not as good at the "networking" aspect of job hunting.

My fear is that with his degree in Mechanical Engineering, and the emphasis on manufacturing processes, this is really just the WORST time to find a job in his area. Manufacturing has been SO hard hit. It really is a combination of bad luck and poor timing.

Thank god for pharmacuticals! When my Dr. wrote my first Lexapro prescription, he told me (with a deep sigh): "Lots of people are having a hard time right now". Kind of hinted that lots of people are depressed by the economy!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2004
Sat, 08-07-2004 - 10:51am
I would go with your gut instinct. Deep down you feel used and taken advantage of and I sense that you are trying to justify those feelings by saying what a great guy this fellow is. I, too, struggled with the same issues. In my case, I have two college degrees while my husband partied and played around for the two semesters he attended college. He has never earned enough money for us to live on his salary. We have been married now for 25 years and it has been a struggle the entire time. When we were living in an old house trailer, my coworkers and friends were buying their first houses. When we finally were able to build a nice home, others were buying second homes and traveling to Europe. I try hard to appreciate what we have because my husband, too, is a kind hearted, loving person. But a person can't help feeling resentful. I had to go back to work immediately after the birth of each child and that tore me up. It's hard not to feel resentful to see others enjoying the finer things in life. The people who say that money doesn't buy happiness haven't done without.