Green and Greener Grass

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2007
Green and Greener Grass
5
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 3:51pm

I'm struggling with my situation right now and could really use some insight from you all.

I've been in a long term relationship with my boyfriend (he's 38 I'm 31 - neither of us have ever been married nor lived with someone of the opposite sex). We've been living together alittle over a year. He is (most days :p ) my best friend! I trust him with all of me! He knows my darkest secrets and loves me still (you'll see how big a deal that is in a minute). We enjoy each other's company and after years of being together have grown alot together. We do have our issues and have gone to therapy - separate and together (I end up exhausted with therapy though). Honestly, I think both of us envision a life together - it would be a good life with some valleys no doubt! We feel comfortable and safe with each other. I really believe I have some good green grass!

But I still dream about greener grass. Someone who operates in a relationship a bit more similar to the way I do. Someone who has more depth when it comes to a relationship. I often say I have the ability to have a level 10 relationship (meaning - that connected and "into" the relationship) whereas my BF really only has the ability and desire to have a level 5 relationship. I believe he exists at a level 4.8 with me and can't imagine being with anyone else. I do believe he loves me to the depths of which he loves! But I believe I have the ability and desire to love much more deeply - to be much more connected and to just have a much "greater" (not better just more) relationship!

But... I've experienced "some" of the things I consider "more" (they weren't the whole package either, which begs to question if the whole package is fictional?) and yet they fell short too! For instance, I had an old boyfriend who wrote me beautiful letters and did the most thoughtful things for me - things I'd love to have done today! He also was a psycho who tried to commit suicide when I finally wised up and left him. He cheated on me because I believe HE was always looking for greener grass and a "rush" romantically.

I also experienced an exceptional type of love with a man that I was flattered to be loved by, who I felt looked at me like he was melting into me, who wrote me songs and played them to me on his guitar, he said "I love you" to me MAYBE 3 times in a year and I remember each time clearly - because I felt it with all he was! (My current BF says I love you about 15 times a day, at the end of each phone call, before we say goodbye, before we say goodnight - it often sounds like "luv ya" which seems so unfeeling to me - but I believe he means it and chooses to say it because he WANTS to!) The problem with this guy was... he was married (please don't judge, I'm 3 years past it and *I* chose to end it and am not pleased with what I did, that's not the point of this post). I know it's hard to believe but I do believe we experienced something extraordinary - but it doesn't change the fact that I had to be with a married man to experience it.

So... having said all that (and which is insanely summed up) I often catch myself thinking that what I "Dream" of having is just that - a DREAM! What I have is reality and it truly is good and worth having!

Please weigh in on two things:

1) do you believe in the "dream"? does it exist? what credentials do you have to back up your opinion? (meaning... have you been married for longer than 10 years and been living the dream all 10+ years?)

2) Is it possible to be happy with green grass and stop wondering about greener grass, when greener grass is what you feel like you could thrive in!? But aren't sure you want to miss out on the green grass?

Now if you were able to make sense of all my abstractness (I couldn't think of the word I wanted! :p ), I'd greatly appreciate your thoughts!

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 4:28pm

Welcome to the board gnetsirk,


Hmm, sounds like you think you are settling or that you didn't look at the incompatibility issues every closely.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 6:10pm

First, I think it's important to note that you are at a point where the physical changes (literally your brain changes per MRIs and your chemicals change) of the "being in love" stage are coming to an end. You then move into the "mature love" stage if this is someone who you truly love, but it does change. Love is not/should not be stagnant.

1) do you believe in the "dream"? does it exist? what credentials do you have to back up your opinion? (meaning... have you been married for longer than 10 years and been living the dream all 10+ years?)

I was married 20 years the first time to a severely abusive man. I was only 17yo when I married him. I was marrying him to leave an abusive home with a fantasy of it being better.

After divorcing him, I was remarried two years later. I still hadn't learned that fantasies aren't real. He had an emotional affair four years later from which I am still trying to recover. My biggest anger towards him, at first, was because he ruined the fantasy.

Dang Walt Disney anyway!

2) Is it possible to be happy with green grass and stop wondering about greener grass, when greener grass is what you feel like you could thrive in!? But aren't sure you want to miss out on the green grass?

If you never take the leap of faith, you'll live your life in yellow grass even though it isn't yellow. YOU are the one who determines whether it's the greener grass or not.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2007
Sun, 08-05-2007 - 9:36am
Fantasy: the power or process of creating especially unrealistic or improbable mental images in response to psychological need.


Edited 8/6/2007 2:37 pm ET by luvmansbestfriend
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Sun, 08-05-2007 - 2:52pm

You know what they call greener-than-green grass-- Astroturf!!

If the grass is pretty green on your side, maybe just a few little yellow patches here and there, you add a little water, sun, fertilizer to the mix and pay a little more attention to those patches for a while until it stabilizes overall again, you don't just stop taking care of it because the bare patches will take over the good stuff. Basically, you pay attention to the parts that need attention on top of the regular care, right? So if people do that for their real lawns at home, I'm wondering why it's generally thought so hard to do that to their "relationship grass."

P.S. Glad you liked the article. So many times I see on these boards people who throw away perfectly good relationships based on comparison to some perfection fantasy they've cooked up in their minds. To them I say 'Real and good is damn lucky' ;)

Good luck,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
Sun, 08-05-2007 - 9:20pm

There's nothing wrong with wanting greater intimacy and connection in a relationship. As far as the green grass goes if you are not in a place of genuine loving, appreciation for what you have you will never be happy with it. The grass will always be greener elsewhere.

My credentials - an abusive childhood, an abusive marriage and I would never in a million years settle for less than what I want. I would rather be alone than be in a relationship where I have any doubts. Give me the intimacy and connection - if I'm offering a 10 on that scale I want it in return.