Grueling life choice...please help
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Grueling life choice...please help
| Sun, 10-17-2004 - 11:43pm |
Hi,
I am going to try to make a long story short. My husband and I have been together for 7 seven years and married for six (I am 35 and he is 32). He is Dominican and I am (hispanic) American and we have a three year old son together. We have been living in the Dominican Republic fr six years (we met in the States). Now that you have the background, here is the problem:
I recently started studying medicine here and I truly feel that this is my life's calling. In the time that I have been in this country , I have suported him in his businesses and spent many long lonely hours alone and thousands of miles from my family. We are in a transitional state , financially speaking being that he is no longer in business and is really kind of trying to figure out what he wants to do with his life. I receive financial aid and my family helps me out with what they can in the way of books and stuff. All I ask of him is that he provide for us and help me with our son (whom I have raised almost by myself because of lack of his father's physical presence). He was very supportive my first semester and I totally aced my classes and even got a paper published! I was very excited and exhilarated to finally be valued for my intelligence and not for just being valued as wife and mommy (although I love that too). I warned him before going into this that as a student, I was going to have to put my heart and soul into this and that it was going to require great sacrifice on his part and I asked him if he was willing to support me. he said yes. Now he is singing a different tune saying that I spend too much time studying, that he needs time as well and that my son needs my attention. I dedicate plenty of time to my son I cook for him, I bathe him, I read him stories every night before I tuck him in and I play with him, whenever he wants. I guess I could spend some more time with my husband but he wants me to quit studying medicine altogether! I am heartbroken....this is my passion aside from my son's security (financial). I say that since he isn't offering us a better alternative, he should let me pursue my dream beacues we'll all be better off for it. He says that he doesn't know what is going to happen in the future and that I could leave him or he could become terminally ill (drama) and I could abandon him (hello! I am studying to be a doctor! How coud you think I would abandon a terminally ill person let alone my own husband, the father of my child!). His behavior makes no sense to me.....he went as far as to present an ultimatum. If I don't quit my studies (or study something "easier"---he mentioned something about me being too dumb to learn things in a shorter period of time.....thats why I have to study do much) that he wanted a separartion! I thought he must be joking but he was serious! This is tearing me up inside ...... how could he be so cruel? I can't imagine leaving my studies behind and having to pay back my loans thus far every month knowing that I didn't finish! I am not a college graduate so what are my chances of finding meaningful, good paying employment? He says it doesn't matter, that if I want and love my family I will do it. This is so unfair! My friends say that he is intimidated by my intelligence (he didn't notice how intelligent I was until I began to study and spread my wings)and that he is afraid of a woman that may make more money than he does. I don't care about any of that, I am just thinking of my son, my dreams, the meaning in my life....doesn't that account for anything or am I being selfish for wanting a career that asks much of me. I do love him but I am very disilusioned with his behaviour lately. What should I do??? any advice would be greatly appreciated!
I am going to try to make a long story short. My husband and I have been together for 7 seven years and married for six (I am 35 and he is 32). He is Dominican and I am (hispanic) American and we have a three year old son together. We have been living in the Dominican Republic fr six years (we met in the States). Now that you have the background, here is the problem:
I recently started studying medicine here and I truly feel that this is my life's calling. In the time that I have been in this country , I have suported him in his businesses and spent many long lonely hours alone and thousands of miles from my family. We are in a transitional state , financially speaking being that he is no longer in business and is really kind of trying to figure out what he wants to do with his life. I receive financial aid and my family helps me out with what they can in the way of books and stuff. All I ask of him is that he provide for us and help me with our son (whom I have raised almost by myself because of lack of his father's physical presence). He was very supportive my first semester and I totally aced my classes and even got a paper published! I was very excited and exhilarated to finally be valued for my intelligence and not for just being valued as wife and mommy (although I love that too). I warned him before going into this that as a student, I was going to have to put my heart and soul into this and that it was going to require great sacrifice on his part and I asked him if he was willing to support me. he said yes. Now he is singing a different tune saying that I spend too much time studying, that he needs time as well and that my son needs my attention. I dedicate plenty of time to my son I cook for him, I bathe him, I read him stories every night before I tuck him in and I play with him, whenever he wants. I guess I could spend some more time with my husband but he wants me to quit studying medicine altogether! I am heartbroken....this is my passion aside from my son's security (financial). I say that since he isn't offering us a better alternative, he should let me pursue my dream beacues we'll all be better off for it. He says that he doesn't know what is going to happen in the future and that I could leave him or he could become terminally ill (drama) and I could abandon him (hello! I am studying to be a doctor! How coud you think I would abandon a terminally ill person let alone my own husband, the father of my child!). His behavior makes no sense to me.....he went as far as to present an ultimatum. If I don't quit my studies (or study something "easier"---he mentioned something about me being too dumb to learn things in a shorter period of time.....thats why I have to study do much) that he wanted a separartion! I thought he must be joking but he was serious! This is tearing me up inside ...... how could he be so cruel? I can't imagine leaving my studies behind and having to pay back my loans thus far every month knowing that I didn't finish! I am not a college graduate so what are my chances of finding meaningful, good paying employment? He says it doesn't matter, that if I want and love my family I will do it. This is so unfair! My friends say that he is intimidated by my intelligence (he didn't notice how intelligent I was until I began to study and spread my wings)and that he is afraid of a woman that may make more money than he does. I don't care about any of that, I am just thinking of my son, my dreams, the meaning in my life....doesn't that account for anything or am I being selfish for wanting a career that asks much of me. I do love him but I am very disilusioned with his behaviour lately. What should I do??? any advice would be greatly appreciated!

I totally agree with what your friend said to you, that he is worried about his wife being smarter than him and making more money than him but you should not let that stop you.
He is worried that you will leave him once you are in the medical field, well, look at it this way. What if you give up your studies and some day down the road he leaves you. YOu will have no education to fall back on, and it will be much harder to go back to school as a single parent.
There are thousands of mothers who go to school and still are good mothers.
You said he is trying to figure out what he wants to do with his life? maybe he is jealous that you have a calling and he can't figure out what he wants. He feels like less of a man since he is not the one going for the good career. Does he work at all? If he is not working, then he can take care of the child more while you are in classes.
I would suggest counseling, but I don't know if your husband would go for that. He needs to realize that educating yourself is a great thing for the whole family. Also if he makes you give up your dreams, you will probably end up resenting him and be MORE likely to leave him down the road.
Concentrate on what is best for your child and for you, and let him abide by his egotistical ultimatum if he chooses.
BTW, if you give up your studies (which he is aware of what it means to you), what other ultimatums will he make in the future?
I really think that he does not want a wife who will be "better" than him - and independent of him.
It is such an amazing job (nearly studied it myself, and still feel as though I sometimes made the wrong decision not to become a doctor), and if you feel the need to do this and are good enough (which you evidently are!!), then please persevere. You will be able to provide financially for your son as a doctor, even if your marriage does not stand anymore when you qualify.
If he is intimidated by your intelligence, then that is his problem. It is risky to curtail that part of your personality, as that can make you feel very sad and resentful. Medicine is a life-choice, and so is marriage. But medicine sounds right for you, whereas your husband at this point doesn't sound like the supportive partner you deserve. Put yourself and your son first, and decide from that point.
Selfish? Maybe, but sometimes in life you have to be.