The gut wrenching pain

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
The gut wrenching pain
23
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 5:46am
I'm a 39 year old female. I thought I had been in love once before but when I met my beau last year, and fell in love, I realized I had never experienced true love within my until then. It was an amazing relationship in all ways. I thought he was "the one". Until a few months ago, maybe several weeks ago, he started backing away asking for space. In all fairness, he had done this before but I was blind to the significance of it nor did I catch on to the pattern. We rarely fought.However, I had noticed that he had backed away in the past following a "disagreement". Nothing major- but all of a sudden he needed to "re-evaluate" the relationship. He did this a few times. Each time he took space, the time grew longer. He started by saying he needed a day, then eventually, and most recently, we were ten days apart. We met for coffee Monday night. Monday morning, he had sent me his usual beautiful email from work, to me at work, saying how he missed me ect. I had noticed the push-pull syndrome a while back and realized I had falling prey to a commitment phobic man. I should have left back then and I didn't. I thought I could "fix" him. A classic avoider. By the book. I did a list of my needs on the weekend and compared how he met them in our first while together versus how he met them most recently. Not the same by an means. Anyways, long story short, our talk on Monday was going wonderfully. We were open and honest as usual about our needs. When he walked into the restaurant he gave me a big kiss, held my hands across the table and told me how much he loved me. Eventually he got into the one area that bothers him, He reffered to "friction" between us. I said : what friction? Can you elaborate? He had difficutly. I got a tear in my eye and all of a sudden he put both hands up and said : THAT friction! That! I said : WHAT?? WHAT?? My tear???? He said yes.. I couldnt beleive it. I said: You are saying that you cant deal with my tears? Tears that are falling because i'm sad? Bottom line that I have now figured out is that I dont doubt he loves me for a second. However, he has so much fear that he will find fault in the relationship no matter what. Eventually my eyes would be too blue, or I would be too tall etc etc. That night, my tear was the excuse. I asked him if he wanted to end the relationship and he nodded yes. I got up gracefully and left the table without another word. He since emailed me said he wants to be friends etc etc.

I have enough friends. Anyways...all this to say that my heart is aching like crazy. The pain. The physical pain of this. The push-pull non stop. Its over. I know this wouldn't have lasted long term but along with the loss, is the loss of my dream. It hurts so much . I just want this pain to end. I know its only been two days...but it feels like this will last forever.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2003
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 11:27am
Oh Claire. I can really feel your pain, and I wish there was anything I could do or say that would make you feel any better, but we all know there isn't. As everyone around you will say, its a bereavement to you, and, like a bereavement, only time will make the pain bearable to live with, and then one day you will realise that it's not there any more.

The only advice I can give you is that in most cases, it is best not to see him, even as a friend, while you heal. I'm not being flippant when I say that some people never know what they've got till its gone, and he may have a complete attitude change and come running back, but you must also prepare yourself for the fact that it really may be over, and seeing him regularly will only lengthen the sadness.

good Luck Claire I've been there too, so I know to some extent what you are going through. Lean on your friends, and try not to spend too much time alone. Even though you may feel its the last thing you want to do, force yourself. It was the only way I could have gotten through it.

Many hugs,

Tess

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 2:12pm
Oh my goodness...when I was reading your message, I felt as though I was reading about myself like 5 years ago. I have been exactly where you are right now. The only difference is when I walked away - I didn't give an explanation - I just knew I deserved better. My ex-boyfriend did the "push-pull" for 18 months - and I had had enough. I didn't know what else to say or do because like you said - he would always find fault.

What I can tell you is that after awhile - the pain will ease (believe me). What I had to do was re-direct my energy towards something else. Luckily for me, I was in my last semester of college and worked full time - so that was where my focus was. While grieving over the loss of yet another failed relationship, I took time for me - learning what I really wanted in a relationship and determined my threshold of tolerance. There were times when I would get depressed (especially around the holidays) but eventually - the pain went away.

So my advice to you is - stick to your guns (and I know it hurts like hell) - but you have to make yourself a priority (if you don't love yourself, who else will?). I would suggest that when you feel strong enough - tell him know how much he hurt you, explain the "push-pull" scenario to him. I am not saying that you two will get back together, but at least you can find closure - which is always a good thing.

Good luck....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 4:32pm
Thank you Tess and Hug for your replies.

I feel some "comfort" (if thats possible right now) in knowing that others have experienced this. I am riding a wave of emotions right now.

Today was full day two without him in my life. He has some belongings here and emailed me asking for them (one is a winter coat he needs). I wrote him back and told him simply I would leave my garage door open between 6:30 and 7 tonight (its 4m now) and that he could just take his stuff and leave mine there in exchange. God I hope he doesn't knock. I don't think he will. I may leave a note out asking him to not knock.

God..When I replied o his email today I actually closed it with 'I miss you and I love you". I can't beleive I can be so week. When I'm having a strong moment like right now, I know that yes, we love each other very much...but he made the right decision for both of us by ending it. I would have held on forever. He's a smart man and recognized that this wasn't healthy for either one. Although his reasons were different than mine, I still would not have been able to actually break it off. Emotional co-dependency is what its called I guess. I feel "addicted" to him. I'm a smart woman with a succesful professional career, I have so much going for me. Why would I even WANT to be with a commitment phobic?? Sigh...because I'm in love and I want to "fix" things. Anyways, for now, were apart and I dont see him coming back for me anytime soon. He's way to scared and probably feeling a great sense of releif. He kept saying how much "pressure" he felt despite the fact that I have my own home and made it clear that I was not looking to move in or get married in the near future. That didn't seem to matter. He was going to find a way out despite his feelings. Part of me hopes to hell he's mising me and hurting. I'm sure he is.I give him credit for his honesty. He has always been upfront abut his feelings. He said he loved me consistently and I beleive that. I should have left and I didnt. That was my fault.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Thu, 01-29-2004 - 6:45am
God give me strength to make it through the week and the weekend. We had planned a superbowl party with our friends. The people were more "his" friends than mine so of course I will not be attending the party. Thats fair I understand that and I made that decision on my own. How will I get through Sunday..knowing they are all sitting around having a beer and enjoying the game? I know that men dont deal with things the same way we women do. He doesn't "talk" much to his buddies about this stuff so he will block it out and enjoy the day. He's smart I suppose. But the thought of him spending time not thinking about "us" and what we could have had breaks my heart even more. I know this thought process is irrational but its all so raw right now. Then Valentine's Day...god..its going to be one thing after another..then golf in the spring. We had planned on buying a memebership together. He was my golfing buddy. This hurts so much. I know I need to focus on the here and now and not on the past or the future that "might" have been. Its just so hard...
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 01-29-2004 - 12:58pm

hi claire and hugs! i am sorry for your pain. and of course you are not alone, there are many people out there who are going thru painful endings of relationships, or people who are STUCK in painful and unhealthy relationships for ever and ever.


take it easy for now... i know its easier said than done, but TRY. focus on YOU. maybe some changes in your routine would help. sometimes getting a haircut or massage helps.even if you can't get a massage - i sometimes ask the person who

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Thu, 01-29-2004 - 6:16pm
Tks for your support Sk. It helps..

I am an avid gym goer but the problem right now is we renewed our memebership...together of course. So I need to wait a while before I go back there. I pretty much know his routine and I know when I could go to bump into him...and of course I'm so devastated I would do that on purpose. I best stay away completly for a bit.

I haven't really been able to do anything expect go to work and fake it till I make it as they say. This is horrible. Just so sad...

Thanks again,

Claire.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 6:30am

hmmm i see what you mean. well - at least power walk around the block, jump on

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 6:53am
Ok now I'm just typing to type...makes me feel better I suppose.

I made it through the first 4 days. Now its Friday, one more day of being on a course ugh.

Then the weekend. Super Bowl. We were going to plan a superbowl party together at the pub we used to hang out at. No doubt he has gone ahead and planned it without me. "Our" friends, the ones we saw as a couple , were mostly "his" friends so....I suppose its only normal that he go ahead. God thats gonna hurt. I cant wait for that stupid ball game to be over. I cant wait. I have plans for most of the day tomorrow and tomorrow night. My g/f is going to come over and spend the night here. Keep me company. I haven't been able to make plans for Sunday yet. No one is available it seems... I'll try and get all my crying over with this weekend. He'll be coming to get his "stuff" while she's here. I'm just leaving my garage door open for him to grab it from there. He has no reason to knock on my door and if he does, she will answer. What hurts the mostis once he takes his stuff, I won't have any reason to be in touch anymore. No reason...and that hurts. Ive been reading on co-dependency. I think I have the signs of that. Its almost like a "control" thing for me. I want what I can't have right now. If he came back, which he won't, I wonder what I would do...I really wonder. Despite his fear, he's an amazing guy. We were amazing togther. Best friends. Sigh.

For some reason, the fact that men deal with this stuff differently is really bothering me right now. The fact that he's going to be able to go to the pub without me and have a beer and probably not think about me during the superbowl really hurts. I guess I would feel comfort if I knew he was hurting as much as me. I guess I'll never know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 9:15am

hey claire --- be glad you are

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 11:43am

This pain will not last forever. Just ease into it, feel it, (don't fight it) and keep breathing. Feel the pain, then return to your breath...little by little it will subside. You did the right thing to break off from him. He has a great fear of emotions, of any kind, and is completely unable to handle them. He cannot handle his own emotions and has no awareness of what is going on inside. Realize that his pulling away has nothing to do with you, it is his own inability to handle feelings and issues. This is certainly "not" a person to build a realtionship with. YOu are also correct not to be "friends". This would just prolong the anguish, longing and is a tease. Once feelings go deeper, it is not healthy to remain friends in a situation like this. Now you need to find your own bearings. Spend gentle, positive time with yourself, doing things you enjoy and surrounding yourself with constructive, loving friends. Give yourself treats. Be kind to yourself. And realize, it is a big world out there. You will love again. And when you do, take a little time up front to really get to know the person you are falling for. Make sure they have the ability to deal with problems, feelings and the natural bumps in life we all undergo.


Take good care.

Pages