The gut wrenching pain

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
The gut wrenching pain
23
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 5:46am
I'm a 39 year old female. I thought I had been in love once before but when I met my beau last year, and fell in love, I realized I had never experienced true love within my until then. It was an amazing relationship in all ways. I thought he was "the one". Until a few months ago, maybe several weeks ago, he started backing away asking for space. In all fairness, he had done this before but I was blind to the significance of it nor did I catch on to the pattern. We rarely fought.However, I had noticed that he had backed away in the past following a "disagreement". Nothing major- but all of a sudden he needed to "re-evaluate" the relationship. He did this a few times. Each time he took space, the time grew longer. He started by saying he needed a day, then eventually, and most recently, we were ten days apart. We met for coffee Monday night. Monday morning, he had sent me his usual beautiful email from work, to me at work, saying how he missed me ect. I had noticed the push-pull syndrome a while back and realized I had falling prey to a commitment phobic man. I should have left back then and I didn't. I thought I could "fix" him. A classic avoider. By the book. I did a list of my needs on the weekend and compared how he met them in our first while together versus how he met them most recently. Not the same by an means. Anyways, long story short, our talk on Monday was going wonderfully. We were open and honest as usual about our needs. When he walked into the restaurant he gave me a big kiss, held my hands across the table and told me how much he loved me. Eventually he got into the one area that bothers him, He reffered to "friction" between us. I said : what friction? Can you elaborate? He had difficutly. I got a tear in my eye and all of a sudden he put both hands up and said : THAT friction! That! I said : WHAT?? WHAT?? My tear???? He said yes.. I couldnt beleive it. I said: You are saying that you cant deal with my tears? Tears that are falling because i'm sad? Bottom line that I have now figured out is that I dont doubt he loves me for a second. However, he has so much fear that he will find fault in the relationship no matter what. Eventually my eyes would be too blue, or I would be too tall etc etc. That night, my tear was the excuse. I asked him if he wanted to end the relationship and he nodded yes. I got up gracefully and left the table without another word. He since emailed me said he wants to be friends etc etc.

I have enough friends. Anyways...all this to say that my heart is aching like crazy. The pain. The physical pain of this. The push-pull non stop. Its over. I know this wouldn't have lasted long term but along with the loss, is the loss of my dream. It hurts so much . I just want this pain to end. I know its only been two days...but it feels like this will last forever.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 7:57pm
Thank you Drshoshana and tk. You both sound like very wise people. I appreciate your time and concern. It does sound sincere. Thank you.

I'm hanging in. Made it through week one (well 5days) by only taking 2 hours off work the morning after he ended it. Thats a whole lot of progress considering the last time this happened to me, 5 years ago, I took a month off and fell into a depression. I think I'm doing really well all things considered.

I did have a week moment this evening though. I was at the mall, close to his place AND my place..I walked in to a card shop and bought one of those emotional sappy cards that says " we had such a beautiful relationship blah blah blah let's try again"...I don't know why I bought it. I will do everything in my power not to send it. I guess it just gave me this little bit of hope. I feel that if I need to cling to a false hope for the time being to get me through this, so be it. I suspect time will take care of that.

Again, thank you for your support.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Sun, 02-01-2004 - 8:57pm
Well...I made it through weekend one. Had some pretty tough moments but its Sunday night now. Tomorrow I will force myself out of bed one more time and head into work.

He still hasn't picked up his stuff. Our schedules have been crossing. It will happen this week for sure. My next decision is whether or not to include a letter in his coat pocket so that he gets it when he picks up his stuff.

I think I'm still in the denial stage of grieving. Its only been a week since he decided to end it but it feels like a lifetime. A part of me, deep deep deep deep down insides knows he wasn't the right man for me. But we had an amazing relationship in so many ways. He ackowedledges that openly. He just couldn't deal with the "pressures" of a relationship. I'm still confused about what "pressure "is. In a nutshell, he gets overwhelmed easily and feels like he's carrying the weight of the world. He's so busy at work, busy doing his home renovations, taking french lessons and working out. I guess I was the one thing he could take off his plate to alleviate his "pressure". The push-pull is over. The questioning is over. I should find some releif in not having to walk on eggshells anymore. He needs to empty the backpack of his past that he is carrying around, that obviously contains a very hurtful relationship in his past, in order to make room for his future. He needs to get rid of whatever is scaring him about intimacy, and open up his heart. I need to realize that I can't do this for him. That his love is very sincere, but he's not in the right place and this isn't the right time for us.

I want to right him a letter, telling him that I think I understand. And if it comes a time that he is ready to be vulnerable, to talk to me about his fears, and allow me in hi heart again, and if there comes a time when he is receptive to a long term relationship again, that I am open to it. This is what I want to tell him. But I'm scared. Scared to push him further away. But then again..,.what do I have to lose? He's already left me.

I know he adores me and he's having a hard time with the breakup, but he can't give me what I want right now. I'm so confused about my next step/ I'm thinking that if I give him a well thought out, non-begging, rational letter, in which I am true to myself about what I want from a relationship. and leave the door open for him, then I feel that will give me some sort of closure. I wil be able to say : Ok Claire, you layed out your feelings, you were honest, and now the ball is in his court. Leave it alone. I would of course ask him in the letter not to contact me until and IF such a time for reconciliation comes. He will understand and respect that wish.

I feel that every day that goes by is a lost opportunity, while I know that I should look at every day going by as one day closer for me getting on with my life.

I'm so confused.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 1:44pm

well. if you haven't done it already - here is a thought. WRITE the letter. but DON'T give it to him. write down all your thoughts, all your feelings, get it all out. and then ----- shred it, burn it but DON'T GIVE IT TO HIM


as hard as it is (and will be) you need to BREAK OFF ties with him for now. don't leave any "balls in his court". if you do - you won't be able to move on.


hugs sweetie! you WILL make it. i promise.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 8:05pm
damn...I could have saved myself 150 bucks in psychologist costs tonight and just listened to you!!..lol. I saw my doctor this evening and she basically told me the exact same thing. You're good sk!.. The one thing she hadn't said, and you said so well, was not to put the ball in HIS court. I need to regain some control over this and over my life. Soooooo...I will not send him anything. I have written about 5,000 versions of this letter over the last week trying to get it "just right". But I have to ask myself...just right for who?? For him? and what I think he wants to hear? Or just right for me? I think deep deep down inside I have alterior motives. To get him back. So best not to send it.

I'm quite certain he doesn't want this. Not because he doesn't love me, not because we didn't have this amazing relationship, but simply because he isn't able to be involved due to his intimacy problems. He may never be ready. And I guess, in a perfect world, IF we were to reconcile, I would feel better knowing that he came back on his own. Because he missed me and us to death. I suspect that anything I do right now will appear to be just more "pressure" to him. I will simply respond to his email tommorrow and tell him what night is convenient for him to come get his winter coat and skis from my garage. And I will tell him to come between such and such a time and I will leave the house during that period so as to not tempt myself to talk to him and beg. I know I am doing the right thing although it feels so horribly wrong. :-(

I need to have faith that whatever is meant to be will be. I'll stay in touch.

I really need this board right now. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply.

Claire.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Tue, 02-03-2004 - 11:36am
Claire,

One thing that struck me whilst reading your story is that you say somewhere 'at least I won't have to walk on eggshells anymore' and then you talk about an amazing relationship. Walking on eggshells (ie. feeling that you not able to communicate honestly about how you feel) is not indicative of a good relationship, rather, it's a sign of a co-dependent one - and trust me, I was in a co-dependent marriage, so I know from whence I speak!

You'll come to realize in time, that this relationship was only amazing when your focus was his happiness meaning your happiness.

I urge you to do a little more research on co-dependency - perhaps once you fully realize the extent of yours (and HIS!) co-dependency within the relationship, you won't want him back anymore - not one bit!

I do wish you well. This pain will pass. Do not contact him, concentrate on living a life you love without there having to be a relationship in your life in order for you to love it.

Peace - Pebbles

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 02-03-2004 - 1:12pm

gee claire maybe in my next life i should be a therapist, lol...


I am glad you are seeing a therapist, tho. I read what pebbles wrote, and i read what you wrote about his intimacy issues - and you could use some help there.


its not that i am so "good" as you say, its more that i have Been there done that. and i honestly think i would STILL be stuck in the rut of my really unhealthy marriage had i not gone to a therapist. (well , technically/legally i am still married, but have been living totally separated from my STBX for 4 months now). for me - in order to be sure NOT to fall back into the trap/patterns of my marriage, i completely broke off all communications with him.


good luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Tue, 02-03-2004 - 5:04pm
Thanks again pebbles and sk.

I caved!!! ARGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!! I'm sooooooo mad at myself!!! ...sigh...he was coming to ger his stuff today so I left my garage door open and put his stuff where I told him it would be. So far so good....however......I slipped a note in his coat pocket!! ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Stupid I know but too late now. All I wrote was: If there comes a time when you feel that our being apart was not the only solution, then you may contact me. Otherwise, all the best."

I did it because I felt that it would give me some sort of closure. Maybe it will. He won't call me for any other reason. I have made that quite clear to in our last email. No more emails and no phone calls. So, when he reads the note, if he hasn't already, I hope it was clear enough for him to understand that if he is willing to discuss this, and address the issue, then he may call me. Not for any other reason. Do you think it was clear?? Who knows...by the time he contacts me, if he ever does, hopefully I will have moved on. But right now I'm still in love. I don't want what we had two weeks ago, I want we what had MONTHS ago. And until he is ready to give me that, I can't go back. I promised myself that and I must stick to it! God give me strenght.

Thanks again

Claire.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Tue, 02-03-2004 - 7:38pm
Well..its done. I don't have anything of his anymore and he has nothing of mine anymore...except my heart....
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Tue, 02-03-2004 - 7:49pm
Hi Claire,

I know there is nothing I can do to ease your pain. But I wanted to let you know, I'm sitting here tonight with similar pain. I know that everyone says "time heals all wounds" and I know from past experience that it's true, but I also know that when you're going through this kind of pain, it really does feel like the end of the world. I'm feeling some gut wrenching pain tonight myself. It sucks, but at least you know you aren't alone :)



iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Tue, 02-03-2004 - 9:24pm
Awwww sensitive....thanks so much for taking the time to post.

I'm sorry you are hurting as well. It sure does suck!!..lol

Gawd. The things we put ourselves through. I have to believe there's a reason for all this somewhere. I really believe that. And at some point down the road, I'm sure we'll understand why we had to go through this. Always a reason.

Hang in there, I'm with ya all the way on this one!..lol.

Keep me posted anytime :-)

Claire.