The gut wrenching pain
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The gut wrenching pain
| Wed, 01-28-2004 - 5:46am |
I'm a 39 year old female. I thought I had been in love once before but when I met my beau last year, and fell in love, I realized I had never experienced true love within my until then. It was an amazing relationship in all ways. I thought he was "the one". Until a few months ago, maybe several weeks ago, he started backing away asking for space. In all fairness, he had done this before but I was blind to the significance of it nor did I catch on to the pattern. We rarely fought.However, I had noticed that he had backed away in the past following a "disagreement". Nothing major- but all of a sudden he needed to "re-evaluate" the relationship. He did this a few times. Each time he took space, the time grew longer. He started by saying he needed a day, then eventually, and most recently, we were ten days apart. We met for coffee Monday night. Monday morning, he had sent me his usual beautiful email from work, to me at work, saying how he missed me ect. I had noticed the push-pull syndrome a while back and realized I had falling prey to a commitment phobic man. I should have left back then and I didn't. I thought I could "fix" him. A classic avoider. By the book. I did a list of my needs on the weekend and compared how he met them in our first while together versus how he met them most recently. Not the same by an means. Anyways, long story short, our talk on Monday was going wonderfully. We were open and honest as usual about our needs. When he walked into the restaurant he gave me a big kiss, held my hands across the table and told me how much he loved me. Eventually he got into the one area that bothers him, He reffered to "friction" between us. I said : what friction? Can you elaborate? He had difficutly. I got a tear in my eye and all of a sudden he put both hands up and said : THAT friction! That! I said : WHAT?? WHAT?? My tear???? He said yes.. I couldnt beleive it. I said: You are saying that you cant deal with my tears? Tears that are falling because i'm sad? Bottom line that I have now figured out is that I dont doubt he loves me for a second. However, he has so much fear that he will find fault in the relationship no matter what. Eventually my eyes would be too blue, or I would be too tall etc etc. That night, my tear was the excuse. I asked him if he wanted to end the relationship and he nodded yes. I got up gracefully and left the table without another word. He since emailed me said he wants to be friends etc etc.
I have enough friends. Anyways...all this to say that my heart is aching like crazy. The pain. The physical pain of this. The push-pull non stop. Its over. I know this wouldn't have lasted long term but along with the loss, is the loss of my dream. It hurts so much . I just want this pain to end. I know its only been two days...but it feels like this will last forever.
I have enough friends. Anyways...all this to say that my heart is aching like crazy. The pain. The physical pain of this. The push-pull non stop. Its over. I know this wouldn't have lasted long term but along with the loss, is the loss of my dream. It hurts so much . I just want this pain to end. I know its only been two days...but it feels like this will last forever.

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Thought I better come on here and post rather than pick up the phone.
I have been focusing on self-care non-stop. Reading every peice of inspirational material I can get my hands on! I read something the other day about just "letting things happen...because they will". They may not happen the way I would choose...but if he doesn't come back to me, then he wasn't the one for me. Simple right?
But how do you get past that little voice that says: maybe if you just open up the lines of communication....maybe he's waiting for that, afterall, I did ask him not to contact me.
I suppose we try to rationalize everything at times like this. The truth is, my note to him said: If ever you think that being apart is not the best solution then contact me.
And he hasn't. He was sick all week, that I know (we work for the same department but thank god not the same building). And this weekend he's off on a business trip. Maybe the time away will do him good. Maybe he'll miss me. :-(
It just hurts because we were/are so in love. He's just not ready. Yet he's 40. Divorced 4 years. Had a few g/f's since but all for 4-5 months. I was the longest by far. But still..he can't deal with, he can't deal with it. Nothing I can do right? :-(
I'm talking to myself now..lol.
Claire..leave him be and trust that however things are meant to happen, they will.
God I wish I could just send him a message that I am willing to talk. But the honest deep deep down truth is, I don't want someone who is so scared and who could back away again in two months....I need to remember that.
Thank you so much for your reply. I'm really not as strong as I might sound but thanks for the compliment..lol.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. How long since your breakup? Are you finding it easier at all as every day goes by?? God I hope so.
I have these really weak moments when I just want to call him or email him. But I'm not. I wait for it to pass..I cry...I read...I do whatever...I pray it passes quickly.
I know that I am wasting alot of my energy on him. Wondering whathe's doing or thinking. Does he think of me at all?? Is he hurting?? I think so..but really..why should I care? But I do. He's out of town right now on business till Wednesday. That allowed me to go to the gym. We have a memebership there together. I pretty much know his weekday schedule so I will try and work around it. One the other hand, I sort of want to let him see me there, but not talk to him. I don't know what I want!!..lol Gawd I'm such a wreck. From one second to the next. I try not to think of the amazing times we had. He was so affectionate all the time. Didn't matter if we were in public or alone. He used to always stroke my face when he talked to me. I'll never find that again :-( How depressing.
The thought of going back into the dating scene and starting over makes me sick. I don't want that. I want him back- I know thats neurotic thinking. I know that. I just can't stop the thoughts. And I am also linving in the dream world that he'll come back from his business trip and email me that he wants to talk and everything will be fine. I'm lying to myself. And even if he does come back...for how long? This is our first real breakup and I know it should be our last. It just hurts so much....
Thinking about you and everyone else going through this.
Keep coming back. It helps...
Claire.
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