The gut wrenching pain

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
The gut wrenching pain
23
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 5:46am
I'm a 39 year old female. I thought I had been in love once before but when I met my beau last year, and fell in love, I realized I had never experienced true love within my until then. It was an amazing relationship in all ways. I thought he was "the one". Until a few months ago, maybe several weeks ago, he started backing away asking for space. In all fairness, he had done this before but I was blind to the significance of it nor did I catch on to the pattern. We rarely fought.However, I had noticed that he had backed away in the past following a "disagreement". Nothing major- but all of a sudden he needed to "re-evaluate" the relationship. He did this a few times. Each time he took space, the time grew longer. He started by saying he needed a day, then eventually, and most recently, we were ten days apart. We met for coffee Monday night. Monday morning, he had sent me his usual beautiful email from work, to me at work, saying how he missed me ect. I had noticed the push-pull syndrome a while back and realized I had falling prey to a commitment phobic man. I should have left back then and I didn't. I thought I could "fix" him. A classic avoider. By the book. I did a list of my needs on the weekend and compared how he met them in our first while together versus how he met them most recently. Not the same by an means. Anyways, long story short, our talk on Monday was going wonderfully. We were open and honest as usual about our needs. When he walked into the restaurant he gave me a big kiss, held my hands across the table and told me how much he loved me. Eventually he got into the one area that bothers him, He reffered to "friction" between us. I said : what friction? Can you elaborate? He had difficutly. I got a tear in my eye and all of a sudden he put both hands up and said : THAT friction! That! I said : WHAT?? WHAT?? My tear???? He said yes.. I couldnt beleive it. I said: You are saying that you cant deal with my tears? Tears that are falling because i'm sad? Bottom line that I have now figured out is that I dont doubt he loves me for a second. However, he has so much fear that he will find fault in the relationship no matter what. Eventually my eyes would be too blue, or I would be too tall etc etc. That night, my tear was the excuse. I asked him if he wanted to end the relationship and he nodded yes. I got up gracefully and left the table without another word. He since emailed me said he wants to be friends etc etc.

I have enough friends. Anyways...all this to say that my heart is aching like crazy. The pain. The physical pain of this. The push-pull non stop. Its over. I know this wouldn't have lasted long term but along with the loss, is the loss of my dream. It hurts so much . I just want this pain to end. I know its only been two days...but it feels like this will last forever.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 5:01pm
ok. I will NOT call him...I will NOT call him..I will NOT call him....sigh.

Thought I better come on here and post rather than pick up the phone.

I have been focusing on self-care non-stop. Reading every peice of inspirational material I can get my hands on! I read something the other day about just "letting things happen...because they will". They may not happen the way I would choose...but if he doesn't come back to me, then he wasn't the one for me. Simple right?

But how do you get past that little voice that says: maybe if you just open up the lines of communication....maybe he's waiting for that, afterall, I did ask him not to contact me.

I suppose we try to rationalize everything at times like this. The truth is, my note to him said: If ever you think that being apart is not the best solution then contact me.

And he hasn't. He was sick all week, that I know (we work for the same department but thank god not the same building). And this weekend he's off on a business trip. Maybe the time away will do him good. Maybe he'll miss me. :-(

It just hurts because we were/are so in love. He's just not ready. Yet he's 40. Divorced 4 years. Had a few g/f's since but all for 4-5 months. I was the longest by far. But still..he can't deal with, he can't deal with it. Nothing I can do right? :-(

I'm talking to myself now..lol.

Claire..leave him be and trust that however things are meant to happen, they will.

God I wish I could just send him a message that I am willing to talk. But the honest deep deep down truth is, I don't want someone who is so scared and who could back away again in two months....I need to remember that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2003
Sun, 02-08-2004 - 3:57pm
Claire, I just have to say that you have been so strong through all this. I too am going through the exact same thing you are, and when I say exact...I mean that. Dated a 40yr old commitment phobic man, and god knows why I dated him for so long. We were together for 15 months. And of course before me....his relationships lasted no more than 4-6 months. Anyhow, but the whole push-pull scenario seems all to familiar. Things were great at first, he treated me like a queen,(probably just the "pull" part to lure me in) But don't get me wrong, we had the most awesome times together. But eventually his true self started to show....finding faults in things and arguing about it, therefore him finding a way to say that it won't work out, blah, blah, blah...like one time we took a road trip up north to Flagstaff one weekend. And in the hotel room the last morning there was a religious show on(I'm religous, he's not so sure about the whole thing, first mistake there) anyhow, he continues to make a crude comment about the religiousness of it, and it kinda offended me, so I told him. then he continues on too say I'm to sensitive. Well instead of arguing with him( that's the walking on eggshells part, not feeling comfortable to express my true feelings to him) so instead of arguing, i decided to go outside and take a walk at the park. He took it personal, saying that I'm too sensitive and that I always make a big deal out of nothing(he didn't say it calmly, but defensively) got all upset and gave me the silent treatment on the 2hr trip home, while i drived!! I dropped him off at his house and we didn't talk for 3 days! So I understand the whole thing on how commitment phobic men always try to find a way out. Then of course, a few days later he emails saying he misses me, not even apologizing for what happened a few days earlier...and of course me being so "addicted" to him and feeling so co-dependent on him for my happiness, I take him back...but then of course no more than a few weeks pass that he pushes me away again for no reason...and this continued to happen practically once or twice a month for the last year! And each time it became longer and longer apart.And everytime, I'd think he'd change or realize how much I love him and care for him...and that he'd see his future with me...But unfortunately it doesn't work that way. So, now I'm going through that gut wrenching pain....it's been one week since the final breakup( i'm trying so hard to make it the last breakup we have) I can't take him back I keep telling myself. When your busy with other things, it makes it a little easier, but then when I have a moment to myself or when I lie down to go to bed, that's teh hardest. I begin thinking what could have been only if he'd realize what he had. And have this false hope that he will realize and come running back to me with open arms and we'll live happily ever after. But in the real world...and with a man like him and yours, it's not possible. We just have to be the strong women that we are and know that we don't need a man for our happiness, just and addition to it. And reading all your posts, I feel like I'm going through the same thing, and seeing how you are handling it, it really gives me hope too that I'm not alone, and that's it's possible to move on. I love him soo much, but I gotta realize he's so bad for me. And that when I do find that man that will love me and treat me the right way, That I'm gonna be so happy. In the meantime, i'm finding my own happiness.........you go girl!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Mon, 02-09-2004 - 5:30pm
Hi Kitty,

Thank you so much for your reply. I'm really not as strong as I might sound but thanks for the compliment..lol.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. How long since your breakup? Are you finding it easier at all as every day goes by?? God I hope so.

I have these really weak moments when I just want to call him or email him. But I'm not. I wait for it to pass..I cry...I read...I do whatever...I pray it passes quickly.

I know that I am wasting alot of my energy on him. Wondering whathe's doing or thinking. Does he think of me at all?? Is he hurting?? I think so..but really..why should I care? But I do. He's out of town right now on business till Wednesday. That allowed me to go to the gym. We have a memebership there together. I pretty much know his weekday schedule so I will try and work around it. One the other hand, I sort of want to let him see me there, but not talk to him. I don't know what I want!!..lol Gawd I'm such a wreck. From one second to the next. I try not to think of the amazing times we had. He was so affectionate all the time. Didn't matter if we were in public or alone. He used to always stroke my face when he talked to me. I'll never find that again :-( How depressing.

The thought of going back into the dating scene and starting over makes me sick. I don't want that. I want him back- I know thats neurotic thinking. I know that. I just can't stop the thoughts. And I am also linving in the dream world that he'll come back from his business trip and email me that he wants to talk and everything will be fine. I'm lying to myself. And even if he does come back...for how long? This is our first real breakup and I know it should be our last. It just hurts so much....

Thinking about you and everyone else going through this.

Keep coming back. It helps...

Claire.

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