Guy friends...
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| Sat, 06-16-2007 - 9:33pm |
Hi there!! Ever since college, I have been one to have a lot of guy friends. Hanging out with guys means less drama and just more fun. Lately, my boyfriend has mentioned some problems he has had with the way I interact with these guy friends...I tend to joke around about sex with my guy friends, and I can definitely see how this might be a problem. Let me just say that if it's a guy friend that my bf has known for a while, he is always really cool about it and never is bothered by it. But when it's a guy friend that he doesn' know he, gets upset. Totally understandable! We have gotten into arguments because of this, and I realize that I need to watch what I say. However, we got into an argument last weekend about a guy I saw from college, who came up, met my bf and asked him if he could make out with me...TOTALLY kidding!! I knew this didn't make him happy, but I felt totally akward and really just didn't know what to say, so I just kinda of laughed it off. Well, my boyfriend was mad that I didn't tell the guy that he was being in appropriate and we got into a fight. Part of me can see where he is coming from, obviously he wasn't happy with the guy. But I can't control what other people say, and to me, the guy is just a goof and was only joking, and I didn't see why I needed to get all serious and tell him he was "inappropriate." However, I did apologize because I knew that this made him feel bad.
Then I left a comment on another guy's myspace. It was a quote from a movie with somewhat of a sexual connotation. The quote itself was in no way, asking for sex or anything of the sort. I just implied "sex." My bf saw it and got upset and said it bothered him.
I know that I need to watch what I say and do, but sometimes I feel like I have to completely lose the fun relationships that I have had with my guy friends in order to not upset my boyfriend. Typing this message is making me see how obvious it is that my boyfriend does have a right to be upset about these things, but there is still a part of me that feels I should still be able to have the same types of friendships and jokes that I have had with my guy friends that I had before I was with my boyfriend. They don't pose a threat in any way, and I would never cheat on my bf in a million years!...does this make sense to anyone?? Any advice would be great! Thanks!

Welcome to the board carrie478,
Well, I don't know how to say this, but as nicely as possible....your boyfriend is correct.
Your behavior is totally inappropriate. If you want to be single - be single but do you seriously think that some guy your boyfriend doesn't even know asking if he can make out with you is just harmless, goofy fun? Wake up and smell the sexual tension. A guy who had respect for you (or your boyfriend) would not have done that.
I am amazed that you can write that you see why he would be upset yet defend your relationships with these guys. Many, many therapists do not support same sex friendships and those who do only support them when appropriate boundaries are respected. You and your "friends" have completely disrespected your boyfriend with your little sex talk and myspace innuendos.
Seriously, I feel sorry for your boyfriend. You have chosen your fun with the boys over his feelings how do you really expect him to feel?
I too am a woman with a lot of male friends. However, from reading your post, it sounds like your friendships with men aren't based on "less drama and more fun" but rather "more attention and more fun". Would a female friend of yours ask your boyfriend, even jokingly, if she could make out with you? A male friend, a real "just" friend, should be no different.
>>>have the same types of friendships and jokes that I have had with my guy friends that I had before I was with my boyfriend.<<<
Here's how I do it with my male friends, whether I'm single or in a relationship. I focus the jokes on them....and on other girls. Basically, I act like one of the guys. I'll joke about how one of my guy friends was checking out this girl at the bar, I'll tease my other friend about how he doesn't have the guts to call whats-her-name who gave him her number the other day, and so on. When I do add feminine touch, I do it in a sisterly fashion. Such as: "your shirt is so crumpled, you're not going to pick up girls that way!" or the endearing "want me to ask her out for you?".
Honestly, I find it weird that you can exchange sexual jokes with your male friends. And this is coming from someone who's had many male friends her whole life. The idea of implying sex with one of my male friends is as stomach turning as the idea of implying sex with one of my brothers! In my experience, the few times I've had sexual innuendos with my guys friends, it was 1)times where my self esteem was low so I enjoyed the attention, and 2)times where we weren't "just" friends and feelings were growing between us.
Thanks to everyone for your replies. You all have made excellent points and I do see the error of my ways. Not that I am defending my behavior in any way, but I guess I have never been in a relationship where the guy actually cared about me so much...I know that sounds weird, but it is something that I have come to the realization that I need to work on this about myself.
I come from a past where I did have low self-esteem, and having the attention of guys, whether it be joking about sex or not, I guess always just made me feel better about myself. I have overcome many of the self-esteem issues, however, the relationships that I have made in the past seem to stay the same. I have continued to joke with guy friends about sex. As a single person, I don't see anything wrong with that, it's just harmless fun. BUT now that I am in a serious relationship, I realize that I do need to change some things, and that is what I am going to do. As obvious as it should have been to me that I need to change, I just wanted to see what other people had to say about this.
Thanks again to all who replied! While I may be a little bit dense about relationships (this is the most serious one I have ever had), I do not feel that this makes me a bad person. Just someone who needs to look at herself and make some changes. I don't feel sorry for my boyfriend, as someone said, because at least I am willing to admit that I was wrong and I am ready to make those changes. What I do know is that relationships take work, and that is just waht I am going to do.