Guys opinion ? Girls been thru this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Guys opinion ? Girls been thru this?
16
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 7:31pm
hi ! Hope someone can offer some insight. About a year ago I got back together with an old boy friend. We dated in College (12 years ago) and broke up due to youth and lack of communication on my part. We remained friends thru the 12 years and he and I were each others support system it was a bluntly honest open friendship. Timing went our way we started spending time together and developed that friendship into a love relationship. It was perfectly paced we dated slowly and took the day we began as a fresh start. The best part of the relationship was having a past...the worst part was having a past. He is an all or nothing kind of person very concerned with doing the right thing after a not so honerable past in relationships.

The past year was amazing. There was no work involved in loving or appreciating him. We did all the little things for each other though more on his part. Our lives got incredibly busy. We live an hour apart. We'd share the driving though it was easier for him to spend time at my place. He is student teaching right now, and personal training clients on the weekend. I teach full time and attend grad school one night a week.

Recently we had a falling out. I was on my way to class and he called to say he'd be spending Sat. ( usually our day ) going to hear a friends band play. He also had clients to train til late afternoon. I couldln't hide my disappointment. I called him back and worse I called our relationship into question. I knew as soon as the words came out that I'd hurt him. We didn't talk that night.

He's hurt enough that he wants to take a break and revisit this when he calms, when his life calms. He says he can't be made to feel this way hes had it in past relationships and ... :( I've done it to him twice before.

He loves me he misses me but he doesn't miss the pain I caused him. Our last phonecall I explained why Im sometimes insecure with our relationship. Two times I got a phonecall that he loves me loves our relatinship but is afraid he might be giving up other aspirations (living in another state). I reacted calmly said I loved him and if he had dreams and we were at a point where we loved enough it wouldn't matter I'd follow him we'd find way. We weren't at that point and he has at least another year before that'd be an option. Day by day I told him no pressure. But it was alays in the back of my mind.

When he chose something besides our time together I got scared. He knew we were secure and thought nothing of a Sat alone. I should have seen his need for a day alone! No work just a night out. He understands accepts responsibility for 50% of the miscommunication but can't function with a hurt realtionship All or nothing right now and he doesn;t want to hurt me by stepping right back in and feeling resentful of me later. He can't afford to be emotionally distracted he needs a break and says we'll revisit later. I don't want to lose him he says we'll never lose each other the friendship is too strong. Upset as he is he still calls to make sure Im ok just says e can't treat me the way i deserve right now and doesn't want to fake it and hate himself or lead me o believe everything is ok. Can he get over this? What can I do to support him? He feels so bad that I am upset but needs to be selfish to accomplish his goals. I wish I had a crystal ball. Should I face that its over or keep contact and give him the time and space he needs? He won't put up with me questioning our relationship should I give it time? I asked what he needed from me he said to just take care of myself and continue with my goals. He said he misses me too... Can we revisit this and start over ??? Sorry so long just wanted the full picture out there. How do I use this positively to make sure we don't repeat this pattern?

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 8:08pm

Before I write more, I have a question:

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 8:15pm
Yes I apologized vocally and in writing completely acknowledging and restating what I'd done. I didn't want him to take my explanation as an excuse.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 8:25pm

Ok, that's what I figured but I didn't want to assume anything.


I think that it would be a mistake to try to continue a relationship with someone that unforgiving of your very human and understandable disappointment.

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Registered: 02-27-2004
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 8:38pm
I think he feel as if he forgave it the first two times, I've called him into question before ... but understanding is a big part of this and if he can't that doesn't leave much. Your advice is helpful. I'll think all of it thru. Im curious how he'd react to that!

Thanks

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 5:23am
I agree with Sheri. So you were momentarily insecure (and the fact that you have been a couple of times in the past is pretty irrelevant if you ask me) and were disappointed - the fact that he would make such a big deal about it and call the whole relationship into question is completely over the top. What happens when something really major happens? Will he run then too? No, I don't like the sound of it, he sounds a little bit controlling if you ask me - what next? You'll walk around on egg shells, not expressing how you truly feel about things (if the feelings are negative) because you'll be scared to say the wrong thing and have him do this again.

I'd cut off all contact - stop begging and explaining yourself. Tell him you understand the way he feels, but it's too painful to keep in touch and he should call you if and when he wants to resume a relationship.

Sorry, the fact that he's running for the hills because you felt a little insecure and upset at the change of plans, does not speak well of him - at all.

Stop viewing him as all right and you as all wrong. View him as totally insensitive to you having needs and feelings - relationships that are headed somewhere should be on more solid ground than this one is - especially after all your years of friendship.

Sorry this is so difficult for you.

Peace - Pebbles

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 8:13am

I disagree with Sherri and Pebbles, and I think if the gender roles were reversed people would be calling the BF a "control freak" who was trying to control your actions by threatening to break up with you whenever you did something that he didn't like.


That is what I see, Saturday is "your day" together, but you didn't have "plans" for that day, that is just the day that you normally spend together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 8:50am
Sounds like you need more than he can give in a relationship. Maybe you 2 are just not right for each other. Some people have a great need for "down time" from a relationship and the other person has to be able to tolerate that pretty well in order for the relationship to work. As an introvert I have an innate need for a lot of down time from other people - can't help it - that's my temperament. It would never work for me to be in a relationship with a man who tried to make me feel guilty about spending the weekend alone or what-have-you. Find yourself a man you are compatible with and you will be much happier! Iri
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Registered: 02-27-2004
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 10:06am
This is exactly how he feels. When it comes to our relationship he shows up 100%. So for me to question his intentions was unacceptable ... he used those words exactly. He says he can forgive the first two times and see them as bumps we get through he doesn't expect perfection, but he says what kind of a relationship could we have if he lets me do this too him. He says it felt like someone punched him in the gut.

He's not at all a control freak, he just wants and deserves a relationship that is based on trust. If we are to continue we have to both use this time to honestly examine if we can turn this into a learning experience so we can avoid it in the future. Not every relationship is a throw away... so I don't want to look at it that way. Our friendship is still solid just the partnership is in question.

I would want to protect him from anyone who treated him the way I did. We can't rush back in without resolving the bigger issue. If that means we lose the love relationship so be it. But friendhip is not based on ultimatum and I would never threaten to end the friendship.

Thanks to all for the honest input

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 10:28am
What you were doing was being insecure (as opposed to untrusting) - and that's what he doesn't like. (and hell, let's face it, who wants an insecure person for a partner??) This isn't a trust issue, this is feeling insecure and worrying that his commitment is at the same level as yours and expressing your worries, however irrational they might have been - I say if you can't express these concerns, whether justified or not, then he is most certainly not the man for you.

And if you feel so badly that you would have to protect him from anyone who behaved the way you did (really??) then I would seek counselling to resolve these issues of self-esteem asap.

But I'll reiterate - IMHO, this is not a trust issue - a trust issue is him going ski-ing and you trusting him that he's not spending the trip with another woman -- trusting that he still loves you and wants to be with you - well that's insecurity/self-esteem if you ask me, but I suppose in the end, it's open to interpretation.

But at least you agree with him 100%!

I didn't say that friendship was based on an ultimatum, but experience has taught me that in a situation where one person wants to continue a relationship, and the other doesn't, the one that doesn't still wants all the fringe benefits of friendship, while the other suffers because this person is so near and yet so far, that the pain they go through to maintain the friendship (all the while secretly hoping that it will become more) is detrimental to the emotional health of the party that still wants the relationship.

Peace - Pebbles

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 10:43am

This isn't a trust issue, this is feeling insecure and worrying that his commitment is at the same level as yours and expressing your worries, however irrational they might have been - I say if you can't express these concerns, whether justified or not, then he is most certainly not the man for you.


Pebbles - I still don't get it.

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