Guys opinion ? Girls been thru this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Guys opinion ? Girls been thru this?
16
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 7:31pm
hi ! Hope someone can offer some insight. About a year ago I got back together with an old boy friend. We dated in College (12 years ago) and broke up due to youth and lack of communication on my part. We remained friends thru the 12 years and he and I were each others support system it was a bluntly honest open friendship. Timing went our way we started spending time together and developed that friendship into a love relationship. It was perfectly paced we dated slowly and took the day we began as a fresh start. The best part of the relationship was having a past...the worst part was having a past. He is an all or nothing kind of person very concerned with doing the right thing after a not so honerable past in relationships.

The past year was amazing. There was no work involved in loving or appreciating him. We did all the little things for each other though more on his part. Our lives got incredibly busy. We live an hour apart. We'd share the driving though it was easier for him to spend time at my place. He is student teaching right now, and personal training clients on the weekend. I teach full time and attend grad school one night a week.

Recently we had a falling out. I was on my way to class and he called to say he'd be spending Sat. ( usually our day ) going to hear a friends band play. He also had clients to train til late afternoon. I couldln't hide my disappointment. I called him back and worse I called our relationship into question. I knew as soon as the words came out that I'd hurt him. We didn't talk that night.

He's hurt enough that he wants to take a break and revisit this when he calms, when his life calms. He says he can't be made to feel this way hes had it in past relationships and ... :( I've done it to him twice before.

He loves me he misses me but he doesn't miss the pain I caused him. Our last phonecall I explained why Im sometimes insecure with our relationship. Two times I got a phonecall that he loves me loves our relatinship but is afraid he might be giving up other aspirations (living in another state). I reacted calmly said I loved him and if he had dreams and we were at a point where we loved enough it wouldn't matter I'd follow him we'd find way. We weren't at that point and he has at least another year before that'd be an option. Day by day I told him no pressure. But it was alays in the back of my mind.

When he chose something besides our time together I got scared. He knew we were secure and thought nothing of a Sat alone. I should have seen his need for a day alone! No work just a night out. He understands accepts responsibility for 50% of the miscommunication but can't function with a hurt realtionship All or nothing right now and he doesn;t want to hurt me by stepping right back in and feeling resentful of me later. He can't afford to be emotionally distracted he needs a break and says we'll revisit later. I don't want to lose him he says we'll never lose each other the friendship is too strong. Upset as he is he still calls to make sure Im ok just says e can't treat me the way i deserve right now and doesn't want to fake it and hate himself or lead me o believe everything is ok. Can he get over this? What can I do to support him? He feels so bad that I am upset but needs to be selfish to accomplish his goals. I wish I had a crystal ball. Should I face that its over or keep contact and give him the time and space he needs? He won't put up with me questioning our relationship should I give it time? I asked what he needed from me he said to just take care of myself and continue with my goals. He said he misses me too... Can we revisit this and start over ??? Sorry so long just wanted the full picture out there. How do I use this positively to make sure we don't repeat this pattern?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 11:11am
Okay, let me try and explain so that you can understand...

The OP is obviously prone to feeling insecure within their relationship - whether this is justified or not - this is the way she is/feels. So, like many women who are a little insecure on occasion, sometimes something silly pops out of their mouth before they can stop it, like: 'oh, do you just not want to see me tonight? Don't you love me anymore?'. Usually, the man will answer something like: 'don't be so ridiculous, you're being totally insecure and that really irritates me.. Or, 'I really wish you wouldn't make those kinds of assumptions, I love you and I wish I didn't have to keep proving that to you..'

Usually, if love is involved, the guy is not going to break up with a girl for having suffered a temporary lapse of reasoning and for feeling insecure and slighted because the plans have been changed. She apologized - she acknowledged that her behavior was unnacceptable. We are all human, and sometimes we feel things that are silly, unnecessary, unproductive, irrational __________ fill in the blanks. But that doesn't mean we ARE those things in our every day lives.

An example: a girl gets drunk and makes a horrible fool of herself - she does this three times in the space of a year - does this make her an alcoholic? Should she go to rehab? Or should she just resolve to understand that sometimes she lacks control in this area and she needs to pay close attention to it.

What I'm implying is that if his terms ie. Your only allowed to be insecure twice in our relationship - the third time, I'll break up with you, well then, that's not a man I'd want to be with.

Most of us aren't perfect, except perhaps, for the OPs boyfriend - because he's 100% right.

I hope I have made myself sufficiently clear.

Peace - Pebbles

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 11:23am

Exactly!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 12:08pm

I am sorry threatening to end a relationship is not about insecurity, and yes 100% I can guarantee if a women were here saying my boyfriend threatened to break up with me for going out with my friends people here would have told her to demand that behavior to stop or move on.


However, I think we can agree to disagree.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 4:19am
James -

I think you need to re-read the original post - I didn't get anything about her 'threatening' to end the relationship, all she did was question whether the relationship was going to continue because he'd changed plans and it got her all twitched and worried - it's completely obvious that this was an insecurity issue and not a threat to end a relationship because things weren't going her way.

Peace - Pebbles

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 7:44am

all she did was question whether the relationship was going to continue because he'd changed plans and it got her all twitched and worried


I still don't get it, you are upset with him for not letting her being able to express her feelings right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 4:15pm
"I still don't get it, you are upset with him for not letting her being able to express her feelings right?"

No, I'm upset with him for BREAKING UP with her because she expressed some negative feelings.

"I am sure there have already been MANY times where he has wanted to say or do something but he decided not to because he knew that her reaction would be to think the relationship was ending".

How on earth could you make that assumption? As far as we are aware from what the OP has posted, this has happened just twice before, so you're taking quite a leap with that assumption.

"You seem to be overly worried about HER being able to express her needs/concerns, but you don't seem to realize is that that is EXACTLY why he is breaking up with her because HE CAN'T."

What???? How did you come to that conclusion - from what she's said they have a very open relationship - he just couldn't tolerate her insecurity and calls it an issue of 'trust' instead. He wasn't expressing concerns, he was changing their plans so he could go and see a friend's band play - on his own, do you honestly think you wouldn't be a little hurt if your SO changed their plans on you? She might have overreacted and made a big deal where she shouldn't have, but that's something entirely different from what you are suggesting.

"Don't get me wrong, I UNDERSTAND where the OP is coming from, I tend to be a rather insecure person myself and I have done many of the same things in my relationships in the past that the OP is doing in this relationship." And you wouldn't feel a little insecure if your SO decided she'd rather hang out with her buddies?

James, what I've said is not that hard to understand - it just doesn't jive with your own thoughts on the issue - but that doesn't make it a difficult theory to understand. Listen with open ears. I hear and understand what you have said, I just don't happen to agree with you.

Peace - Pebbles

Pages