happily married but......

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2004
happily married but......
13
Sat, 05-01-2004 - 4:03pm
My husband have been married 7 years we are best friends, we have two wonderful children. But something is missing. It is all sexual and I have talked to him for years about the problem. He just says my sex drive is different. We end up fighting over this all the time. It is really starting to get to me. I am satisfied when we are together but it isn’t as often as I need it to be. And I realize a few times a week is average but I have tried to put it out of my mind and ignore it but I can’t help it. I have started to think I should stray. I have never thought of this before and I do believe I should remain faithful, but the more I think of it the more it makes since. I would be safe of course and very discreet, and this would maybe stop all the fighting that revolves around it. I know this all sounds bad but outside the bedroom I have everything I could want. I am really lost what should I do?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
Sat, 05-01-2004 - 4:59pm
If you are having sex a few time a week, I think he is accommodating enough physical needs to you as a husband... so in a sense, it's not fair to blame him for your high sex drive.

Do you get an orgasm everytime you have sex? If you're not getting it, that could be why you need to have sex so often..? (you can show him how you can get it)

That's not the case, is masturbation an option for you?

Another thing is, exercise. You may have extra energy you are not burning off. Why I say this is because whenever I get extra rest like mid afternoon nap, I feel frisky. Otherwise, I've never ever been in the mood for sex in the middle of the day!

Finally, if none of these are the cause, you may want to see a sex therapist. Not him, you need to go. --but please don't throw away everything you've got for this. I know you are not going to find a guy who wants to have sex more than a few time a week that easily!


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2004
Sat, 05-01-2004 - 6:43pm
I know that I am probably a lot younger than you and you have experienced more than me, but I think that cheating is not the answer. That is not a real relationship. I just think that would be a mistake that you would never get over. You can't unring a bell and you can never ever take back cheating on him. Maybe there could be a little work done to fix the relationship. But once he finds out if he ever does, that you cheated on him I highly doubt that he would want to work it our with you and you could up losing a whole lot more than you gained from a few affairs. And think do you really truly love him. If not enough sex is going to drive you away and be unfaithful maybe you should think again about your relationship. Like your name says you have to much to lose, and just think if you lost it all over sex.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2004
Sat, 05-01-2004 - 10:28pm
correction: I went back and read what I wrote



not a few times a week I didn't catch that in my last statement.. a few times a month. once a week tops. and I think it maybe the fact that he is not a man that is really agressive or really tries anything new we have tried very few things in the 7 years, I on the other had really thought that after you were married is when you can explore without really feeling like your a (for lack of better words) tramp. I am not talking wips and chains I just get tried of the same things, I am satisfied but it maybe a little to do with the how more than the how much. He thinks I am tired of him when I bring it up, and It isn't him I would like us to explore more things or at least be a little more open to the thought. He just will not even talk about sex without it turning into a fight. The strange thing is it's not that he is a real uptight person he will joke about things that if brought up in the bedroom would become a fight, I have thought before that it was me he was not wanting, but I have changed alot, with my son I gained alot but took it off quick and ended up in better shape than I had been when we married, with my daughter same thing well she is almost two now and I'm not in better shape but the same as when we married at any rate. and through it all it's been about the same. So I don't feel like It's me so much as he is just content and not willing to make sure I am. make more since?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2004
Sun, 05-02-2004 - 12:18am
Although it is not I guess, morally right, but did you have sex with him before you got married. Becasue if you did how could you not know that he was like this. And you should tell him that this is going to take a toll on your relationship. And if he cares enough about you and your relationship then he should do what he can to fix it. Tell him its a big deal to you and you really want to make it work out. Or i don't know if you have tried, but be spontaneous. I admit once a month is not enough especially if you are married. But I still do not think that cheating is the answer
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2004
Sun, 05-02-2004 - 12:48am
Yes even though it may be wrong we did have sex before we were married, but that is just it. I thought sex became more exciting and more open after your were married, because you would have that person forever I thought that the exploring came to keep things going. I am very spontanious and I have let him know that all things are open for at least talking about. but like I said we end up fighting, We are fighting now as a matter of fact, thats why I am on the computer instead of him. Sorry maybe too much for everyone to know. But I have told him all of what I have posted(except the thoughts of cheating of course)he listens but nothing or this, We fight until I give in just to (make up). I have had to say I am sorry for wanting him just to have him.

and its a few 3 or 4( more so 3) times a month not just 1 unless we are fighting over it and I am strong enough to stand ground that long.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 05-02-2004 - 6:34am

hi and hugs! i know how you feel, altho my marriage is/was even worse - in seven years we never (yes, never) had sex. there were 'attempts' and there was some 'fumbling' but---- not alot and not fun. and like you

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2004
Sun, 05-02-2004 - 10:47am
Maybe you could look into going to a sex spa. I have heard that those work for married couples who don't have sex or have problems with discussing it. Tell him that he needs to do this b/c it is a big deal to you. And if he is not willing to help out then it may be that he is selfish b/c I'm sure you would help him when he needed it. tell him that something is going to happen you're either gonna get it from him or there will be another solution.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2004
Sun, 05-02-2004 - 11:30am
We do get along well most of the time, yes he is selfish that is apart of it I know, he was and only child growing up and he denies that he is that way but he is. He is on a good note exactly what I have always wanted for our children. He is probably better, more patient and willing with them than I am. We were really good friends before we married he had helped me through a bad relationship I was young and he really helped to turned my life around. but He knows how I feel, the reason we are fighting right now is because in a (cry out for understanding) I told him that our relationship has become why people have affairs, ok I said a few other things too, that were maybe too harsh but I have tried for so long.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Sun, 05-02-2004 - 12:31pm
How old is your husband? If he is young or middle-aged, then there are two possibilities. One, he is giving at the office and is too spent to give at home. Two, a physical problem. He needs to see a physician and have his testosterone level checked.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
Sun, 05-02-2004 - 12:46pm
I guess I misunderstood your messages.. but now I can totally relate to you.

Seems like we have exactly same kind of husband!!!

Like you, I have absolutely no problem with my marriage with him. He's good dad, helpful, responsible and we joke about everything!... only problem I have is the same, he is not as spontaneous as I want him to be when it comes to sex. (Although I'm happy with once a week sex --personally I don't want more than that..)

For the intimacy part, I'm still working on it, so I cannot give you my successful experience yet, but how about you try not to come off too serious or angry when you talk about this issue? When I used to do that, we got into argument. Now I try to be more 'naughty' about it .. you can say I act more slutty with him now. Treat him like he gives me the best sex (even though that's far from the truth!!) One night after our climax, I told him 'you're sooo addictive.. I don't know how I can stop' then he gave me a big smile (now who doesn't feel good being told you are such a good lover?) then right after that, I asked him "now next time, do you wannna be a dirty doctor? Should I make an appointment with you? --or you wanna be a police officer?" (yes, slutty way) he said "I rather be a doctor" surprisingly.(trust me, he's not that type to participate) I think guys are more attentative when you come off positively (or say slutty?)and make sure you ask what you want right after his climax!

As for frequency of sex, when you want it, can you just start grabbing his pxxxx & give him oral..? I've never met a guy says no to that!

It's a very slow process, maybe it will be long time away til he starts initiating steamy sex, but I'll keep trying..

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