hard decision
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hard decision
| Tue, 01-20-2004 - 3:19pm |
I would like some much needed advise. I probably already know the answer myself, but I am
still not sure. I will try not to make this to long. I have been dating a man 20 years my senior for about 3yrs now. we have always lived anywhere form 30-70 miles apart. which really hasn't been a problem in the past but seems to be more now. I have a 14 yr old daughter and I feel I need to be home with her most of the time. I live with my sister and her dad will keep her some times but the point is he wants to go on weekend trips alot or have me come to see him at his place because I don't have a place of my own. I feel like I am gone to much and I can't keep leaving her with everyone else. this in the past has brought some resentment on my part and I started to distants my self from him because he would be upset when I didn't want to come to his family's house for christmas holiday. ( I wouldn't bring my daughter becuase she doesnt know his family and doesn't care for him and I wasn't about to make everyone misrable that day). anyway, that's a whole story in itself. so, since we had this tiff and I started to distance my self. he told me that if I really loved him I would come to his house, make all the shots, and (without getting to how we got her also)to have sex with him everytime I saw him because that is the only way I could win his heart back and show him that I really cared. I don't know I really do care for this man but I feel he is single with no kids to take care of anymore(they are grown) and he should be making more of an effort to come to my house so I don't have to leave my daughter. He doesn't like my house because I share it with my sister and he doesn't like are friends(he isn't very social expect in his ring of friends) and when he does come over he wants us to either leave and go to dinner or go and sit up in my room , it's llike he doesn't like to share me with anyone.... everytimne I try and talk to him aobut this he always has some sort of explanation as to why his way is right and mine is wrong( he is a dr. so he has this way with like using phsycology with me,,,, probably not I just kinda feel that way). anway sometimes I feel like I need to let go of this relationship because I am not ready to move where he is and live with him and he doesn't want to move where I live and I don't see this going on like this until my daughter turns 18. and I really don't feel the need to force her to move now when things are fine where we are....I don't know how to let go he is a wonderful man in every other way and I am afraid to not be part of his life anymore....
still not sure. I will try not to make this to long. I have been dating a man 20 years my senior for about 3yrs now. we have always lived anywhere form 30-70 miles apart. which really hasn't been a problem in the past but seems to be more now. I have a 14 yr old daughter and I feel I need to be home with her most of the time. I live with my sister and her dad will keep her some times but the point is he wants to go on weekend trips alot or have me come to see him at his place because I don't have a place of my own. I feel like I am gone to much and I can't keep leaving her with everyone else. this in the past has brought some resentment on my part and I started to distants my self from him because he would be upset when I didn't want to come to his family's house for christmas holiday. ( I wouldn't bring my daughter becuase she doesnt know his family and doesn't care for him and I wasn't about to make everyone misrable that day). anyway, that's a whole story in itself. so, since we had this tiff and I started to distance my self. he told me that if I really loved him I would come to his house, make all the shots, and (without getting to how we got her also)to have sex with him everytime I saw him because that is the only way I could win his heart back and show him that I really cared. I don't know I really do care for this man but I feel he is single with no kids to take care of anymore(they are grown) and he should be making more of an effort to come to my house so I don't have to leave my daughter. He doesn't like my house because I share it with my sister and he doesn't like are friends(he isn't very social expect in his ring of friends) and when he does come over he wants us to either leave and go to dinner or go and sit up in my room , it's llike he doesn't like to share me with anyone.... everytimne I try and talk to him aobut this he always has some sort of explanation as to why his way is right and mine is wrong( he is a dr. so he has this way with like using phsycology with me,,,, probably not I just kinda feel that way). anway sometimes I feel like I need to let go of this relationship because I am not ready to move where he is and live with him and he doesn't want to move where I live and I don't see this going on like this until my daughter turns 18. and I really don't feel the need to force her to move now when things are fine where we are....I don't know how to let go he is a wonderful man in every other way and I am afraid to not be part of his life anymore....
any suggestions???????
I am losing sleep over this for the last 3mos.
thank you
J

You have roughly 4 yrs left with your daughter (meaning day-to-day contact, routines, to show her what life is about, to teach her) HOW DO YOU WANT TO SPEND THAT TIME?
This isn't about how much do you love him and what to spend time with him, but more about all his needs, wants and desires being met (by you) yet, there isn't much effort going into your needs, wants and desires. Sounds like a very one-sided relationship to me.
You know the answer, but..... what keeps you there?
Sorry you have to go through this.
Carrie
You already have a kid. this man is sulking and pouting as if he were a kid himself. let him go, and find someone who won't resent your daughter. Let him go before your relationship with your daughter is damaged. I am sure you did her best not to neglect her, but kids can be very perceptive, and the reason why she did not like your BF is probably because she realized he wants you to neglect her needs. And she is right. Being a mother is part of who you are. If he does not accept this, then he does not really love you for what you are. he can be fun, but you may want to start looking for an adult.
This guy isn't worth it. Find someone who is kind and considerate.
so confused.
thank you all for responding.
julie
1) I feel like I am gone to much and I can't keep leaving her with everyone else.
Smart mom.
2) he told me that if I really loved him I would come to his house, make all the shots, and (without getting to how we got her also)to have sex with him everytime I saw him because that is the only way I could win his heart back and show him that I really cared.
You have to do all the work to PROVE something to him. Hmm, so he's not in this relationship and actively making things work out, compromising, etc.
3) He doesn't like my house because I share it with my sister and he doesn't like are friends(he isn't very social expect in his ring of friends) and when he does come over he wants us to either leave and go to dinner or go and sit up in my room , it's llike he doesn't like to share me with anyone....
Wants to isolate you, isn't social, hasn't offered different living arrangements, marriage, etc.
4) everytimne I try and talk to him aobut this he always has some sort of explanation as to why his way is right and mine is wrong.
So he never hears you or understands your needs and concerns, he dismisses them. Tries to talk you out of them. NOT GOOD.
5) anway sometimes I feel like I need to let go of this relationship because I am not ready to move where he is and live with him and he doesn't want to move where I live and I don't see this going on like this until my daughter turns 18. and I really don't feel the need to force her to move now when things are fine where we are....
Listen to those feelings.
6) I don't know how to let go he is a wonderful man in every other way and I am afraid to not be part of his life anymore....
Letting go isn't easy, but when it's the right thing to do.....one foot in front of the other.
7) I am losing sleep over this for the last 3mos.
Not good.
Adjusting will take time.... but a new door can't open until you close this one. There are worse things than being alone.
Have you consider short-term counseling to help you sort through all of this?
Carrie
Pressuring another person to do something they don't want to do, or something they're not comfortable doing is not love. Pressuring someone for sex is not love. Sex and/or the frequency of it does not equate with how much you love or care for a person. He's a dr. and he's using all this BS on you? Hmm. That's emotional blackmail. He's manipulating you. He is not treating you as someone who *truly* loves you or cares about you.
This doesn't sound like a good situation for you OR your daughter. IMO you should leave it for that reason. Your gut instincts are right so listen to them and heed what the red flags are telling you.
Compatibility involves wanting and needing the same things from the relationship. You and he don't. You don't want the same things out of life either -- another proof of incompatibility. You don't agree on friends or family and he doesn't really have a desire to be a part of your life. Incompatibility. You're unhappy b/c this is not the right fit for you. The thing is, you'll never find something that is as long as you stay stuck in something that isn't. Please remember that and hopefully it will help you make the right decision for yourself and your daughter. Good luck.