Harmless relationship with ex?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2004
Harmless relationship with ex?
5
Fri, 07-16-2004 - 3:38pm
I need some unbiased opinions on my matter. I have been with boyfriend for over two years now. Before we started dating, he was seeing another girl who I happen to know as well. We have been committed to each other for the last two years except five months ago, I found out he was seeing this ex occasionally and emailing and talking on the phone with her. She doesn't know I exist. When I found out I was mortified and told him that in order to save our relationship he would need to cut off absolutely all contact with her and let her know clearly that he has a committed girlfriend and has no interest in a relationship with her. He told me he would do it and reported back to me accordingly. Now I find out that even after he supposedly cut off contact, he has continued to speak with her over the phone frequently and emailed her. He claims it is harmless because he has no intentions with her. But I am convinced that she sees this as a potential relationship. When I confronted him, he became very defensive and said that any communication was initiated by her and he just responded. Do I give him another chance to save this relationship? I am so hurt by his lies and his behavior. He claims it's all harmless. What is the opinion of others??
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 07-16-2004 - 3:54pm
He lied to you about seeing her. He lied to her about having a girlfriend. Now he is lying again. Sounds like a real charmiong boyfriend. What are you getting out of this relationship?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2004
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 2:47pm
I think the hardest thing for a girlfriend to understand is the relationship your SO has with his ex. I think we are programmed to think that once they meet you, there is no reason to speak to the ex for whatever reason. Unfortunately that is not always the case. Some guys have a hard time with failed relationships and hate the thought of someone out there hating them, even if it is an ex. So they continue to stay friendly with them. Some guys realize the ex is better suited as a friend. Many times it is easier to forego telling the current girl about the keeping in touch for fear they will get the wrong idea. My boyfriend did this but what he didnt get was the less he told me, the more shady it looked! I think it's ok for a man to be friendly w his ex if he is honest about it. That is the key. When someone feels they are not trusted and being monitored by their girlfriends they may shut down communication out of anger. I found that a long honest conversation about the situation was the best thing- I asked him to put himself in my shoes, and how would he feel if I was secretly keeping in touch with my ex? That hit home. Maybe suggest if she is going to going to be a part of his life, that you meet her so you are more comfortable. See his reaction. You wont get any real answers out of him if he is feeling attacked. If he still isn't sensitive to your feeling and continues to lie to you, you are going to end up in a pattern where you will be snooping and paranoid, not a fun way to live.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 3:46pm
RUN. He's a jerk to her and to you. He's been leading her on for years, lying by omisison, not telling her that you exisit, not making it clear to her that he's involved now with someone else..... read that he has NO INTEGRITY. And he loves her continued attention, flirting, talking, sharing and he doesn't care how you feel about it.

If you just can't leave, have Dr Laura tell him how he's messing up - get 10 Things Couples Do to Mess up there relationship.

PS Harmless would have been if you would have known all along about their continued contact and harmless had she known about you the entire time. If they were 'real friends' you both would have known about the relationship he had with both of you.


Edited 7/27/2004 3:48 pm ET ET by itwinflame


Carrie

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 4:19pm

It is not a matter of whether or not he feels it is harmless, the real issue here is that he has not respected your feelings and wishes, and he has not kept his word to you. In a good relationship, both parties must respect the feelings of the other and keep their words to them. How can you trust him if he says one thing and does another? Despite your love for him, you should step back a moment and see who he is. Is this a person you will be able to trust in the long run? Is he able to take responsibility for his actions, or explain it away with a foolish comment? He does not, at the moment, sound able to empathize with your feelings and needs. Unless he can fully realize what this means to you, and really cut off communications, I would think twice before going on with him.


All good wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2004
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 11:19pm
don't do it. I went through the same thing with my now ex and his emailing and chatting online with an ex, whom he claimed to hate because she aborted his child. well, since we lived togehter, i installed a program on the computer that tracks everything and i mean EVERYTHING. Even passwords. So after he claimed to have stopped, i let it ride for about two weeks and accummulated all the emails and chat sessions. He came home from work one day to find them all taped to the cainets all over the kitchen and his bag packed in the bedroom. It wasn't harmless on his part and he was lying to me and her both so he could have his cake and eat it too. I found out he would make plans to go out with his buddies for a "boys night out", knowing i would not go and he would met her at the bar, with all his friends. says alot about his friends too.

DUMP HIS ASS. A man who has nothing to hide, HIDES NOTHING. If the emails are harmless, tell him you want to read them. and he needs to tell her about YOU!!!!!!