Has anyone ever heard this before?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2003
Has anyone ever heard this before?
3
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 7:43pm
Has anyone ever heard this statement "A man can't out give a woman". What it means is whatever kind thing a man does for a woman she return the kindness ten fold (meaning 10 times as much). I was told this by a previous marriage counselor who is a woman. I told her that I did not agree with this statement because I feel as though I out give my wife more than she out gives me. This is not to say I have been keeping count of these things but I just feel over the course of our 16 years together I am the one that gives more. I don't think anyone can say "A man can't out give a woman" because every man and every woman is different and every relationship is different. The counselor told me this on several occassions when her and I were alone discussing my relationship with my wife.

Over time I forgot about this statement until it was brought up again in a different setting. My wife and I belong to a small group @ our church. Our small group decided to discuss a book about husbands and wives. It is titled "Husbands and Wives God's Design for the Family". The book did not have the statement in it but the group leader for the men's portion of the group (we split the group in half, one half women and the other half men) made this statement "A man can't out give a woman". My heart started to pound and my blood pressure rose because I do not agree this is true in every situation. I started disagreeing with him about it. He said this a a true statement for every "Christian" marriage. He was very addiment about it so I just let him continue on with the discussion.

He continued to make this statement and another husband agreed with him. The leader told me he was very sorry that this is not the case in my marriage but that it should be. It has been a week and a half since that discussion and I have asked my minister and my psyciatrist about it and they have not heard of this before and told me it is not true in every "Christian" marriage. They wish it was true but it is not.

Please help me if you have heard of this before now. Also if you have, do you know were it originated from?

TIA

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 8:03pm
Here's one possible explanation of the phrase.

A man can't "outgive" a woman.

Meaning that the woman will give everything she's got - even if that leaves her bereft of a life, security, success, identity, happiness, completion, and options...in order to "keep" a man. But men won't totally destroy themselves just to "keep" a woman.

I've never heard the phrase - but my interpretation makes my skin crawl!

I think you're hearing that a man can't give, expend, sacrifice, tolerate, endure more than a woman in a relationship.

If ou're hearing that.....I can understand why that deduction is being made as to the meaning, but that really holds no validity.

Because what a person "gives, expends, sacrifices, tolerates, endures" is not situationally dictated...but value and standard dictated.

I mean, to me it is not "giving up" anything to be honest with my partner at all times, in all things, tactfully of course. But lots of people might easily think I was giving up all sorts of options or potential by "being 100% honest". I would see it as me giving up something NOT to be that way - but that would be my personal interpretation.

But I view it from a dysfunctional codependent perspective....I take it to mean that a woman quite often views herself as inferior, inept, incapable, and unworhty without a man/relationship and so in light of that she'll give, offer, expend, endure, tolerate, and sacifice everything that she has or is in order to "get the relationship".

Men won't do that.....a) men are taught from inception as a rule "you'll never become what you don't make of yourself" (that eliminates the middle-man of a relationship/partner between them and happiness, success and security) and b) realistically a man knows that if he mortgages, brokers, bankrupts and abolishes everything in his life of value, importance, worth, and priority - that he is not a "good catch" for any woman.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 11:14pm
I've never heard it. I think there are givers and takers and givers can be men, just as much as a woman can.


Carrie

Avatar for beckymk
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-1998
Sat, 05-08-2004 - 12:43pm

That's interesting.

Becky - Mom to Carolyn (17), Aaron (15), Kyle (11) & Luke (8)
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