Has He Forgotten Me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Has He Forgotten Me?
1
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 3:43pm
Here is a brief background....for over 10 months I was seeing my (now) ex on a pretty regular basis....it was rocky at times but we still saw each other 2-3 times a week and in good times more than that. He is a sever committmentphobe so whenever we got too close or had a breakthrough in intimacy he would run after that (ie causing the rocky times) but then come back to me a week later as if nothing had changed and it was happy times again....this went on for roughly the last half of our time together and had recently just gotten a lot worst because I wasn't willing to put up with it anymore because his running away periods had begun to include him seeing/dating other women which for me is not acceptable so I struggled with ending the relationship (such as it was at that point) but it was extrememly hard for me to end it and establish no contact at first because I truely love him, and know that if he could get his committmentphobia under control everything would be great for us because we really get along very well, have a lot in common, and share many of the same values and even our future plans are very compatible (all of which made me stick it out for so long because I was under the impression that once he calmed down about his fears it would work out for us) but I just reached my limit when he started dating others during our off periods and then tried to come back to me (like before) as if nothing happened, but it had and I felt very betrayed. When I asked him about our relationship he always called it and indicated it was a serious thing but that he wasn't sure of his feelings, ambivalent, scared, had a problem being faithful to one woman and he wasn't sure he was ready for that kind of relationship but thought we had a connection and a possible future....double messages...the works when it comes to classic committmentphobic traits and behaviors. All designed of course to keep me hanging on just one more day....

So as I am still in love with him, but have managed to establish NO CONTACT with him now for 2 successful weeks (I'm proud of myself for that) I am feeling very much the need to know how he is doing. If he has forgotten me and moved on without a thought about me. A friend of mine (knowing the whole story) but not having ever met my ex (he has no knowledge of her since she is an online friend I've been talking to for guidence through this all) volunteered to Instant Message my ex and sorta check in on him for me to see how he is doing and if he is at all thinking of me, seeing someone new, and his general state of being. I know I shouldn't have agreed but I have a weakeness for this guy and during a moment of weakness she caught me.

So the other night she IMs him randomly and he begins to chat with her, through a series of questions he tells her about his relationship history....a really bad break up 6 years ago and that since then he has only had short flings that never lasted very long (all of which is true and he told me about in more detail but given he doesn't know my friend its understandable to know going into details too much) and that he hadn't had a serious relationship since the 6 year old thing but that he felt ready to have a long-term relationship now. When she asked him how he could suddenly be ready for a committed long-term relationship after 6 years of fling-only relationships he just replied that he had needed time to heal but that he felt ready now. This is BS I think but....

So here's my question: Where am I in this relationship history? It seems he has forgotten me completely and yet he claimed many times that we were serious, he kept coming back in order to try again to make it work, he spent over 10 months with me most of that time we talked almost everyday, and spent sometimes 1/2 the week together every week for months when times were good and he wasn't feeling his issues. All that time, energy, commonality, togetherness, activities we did, he talked of marriage too even, is that all gone?????? I am left wondering if it ever really meant anything if I don't even get a mention in the summary of his past relationships when I know for a fact I wasn't only a "fling" to him, that I was more than that and also his friend! But he said nothing about it to my friend including after she even probed somemore into recent relationship stuff.

I am wondering if this is another aspect of his problem (committmentphobia) where he is trying to forget me all together, doesn't want to get into explaining what happened with me, or just another part of the running away process he is doing right now since it has only been 2 weeks since I last talked to him. BTW he was trying to pick up on my friend too, falsely representing himself as being ready for a long term relationship and giving up the singles life, asking her what kind of relationship she was looking for, at one point even said she sounded like they wanted the same things (long-term solid relationship)...because the last time we spoke one of his reasons was that he wasn't ready to be in a real relationship no matter who it was (ie meaning it wasn't that he didn't think it could be with me but instead that he wasn't ready for that kind of responsiblity).

Does anyone have any ideas on what is going on here????? I've been reading a lot about committmentphobic behavior and it sounds like its probably his running behavior, running to another partner so he doesn't have to think about what is going on with us or his feelings for me but I can't help but feel even more hurt that it seems he has forgotten all about me and is moving on to his next victim. While I am still dealing with trying to forget him and somedays it doesn't seem possible to just forget someone who was so important to me but I am working through the process of getting over him.

Thanks to anyone who offers some insight and doesn't flame me for giving into a little childish spying. I know I shouldn't have but its been a hard thing for me because I was so inlove with him.

I'm going to post this on a few boards so excuse the repeat if you run into it again....

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 4:44pm
The short answer: No, he hasn't forgotten you. I'm always amazed how many people feel this way and wonder. Think about it. Was he your first boyfriend? If not, have you forgotten your first boyfriend?

::Where am I in this relationship history? It seems he has forgotten me completely and yet he claimed many times that we were serious, he kept coming back in order to try again to make it work, he spent over 10 months with me most of that time we talked almost everyday, and spent sometimes 1/2 the week together every week for months when times were good and he wasn't feeling his issues. All that time, energy, commonality, togetherness, activities we did, he talked of marriage too even, is that all gone?????? I am left wondering if it ever really meant anything if I don't even get a mention in the summary of his past relationships when I know for a fact I wasn't only a "fling" to him, that I was more than that and also his friend! But he said nothing about it to my friend including after she even probed somemore into recent relationship stuff.

Just because he didn't mention you in the way that you would want to be remember, doesn't mean he's forgotten about you. He just 'met' this person via online, not everyone shares every detail of their life and some even gloss over the latest break-up and/or painful experience. Like it's too fresh to heal.

BUT even with that said, with an on-off relationship for 10 months he may only define it as a fling.

His opinion doesn't matter at this point. Good luck on your healing path.


Carrie