have I been cheated on?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
have I been cheated on?
5
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 6:12pm
Hello everyone!

Ok, here is the deal. My fiance and I have been together for 4 years, and we just got engaged 3 months ago. We are in a long distance relationship right now because we both attend different universities for graduate school. I went to stay with him last week for my spring break and discovered he has been having cyber sex with a number of women. I also found a personal ad on a friend-finding site. The site is not specific to dating, and there were no messages or people he had been talking to on it, but, still, it was there. I was a little dazed about it at first but now I am really starting to get angry. He told me he was sorry and that he would never have cybersex again,and he deleated the ad (that he said he had forgotten was even there) but I don't know if I can believe him. I love him so much, and I just don't know what to do. Am I over-reacting? Under-reacting? If this happened to any of you, what would you do? I don't want our relationship to end, but I am really hurt and angry

Thanks for your help...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 6:36pm
Well, you're obviously not obligated to end the relationship, however, you are not over-reacting. I would be furious. Yes, that's definitely cheating in my opinion. I realize the girl is not physically there, but he's still getting it on with someone who is not you over the internet.

I'm not sure what to tell you as far as what I would do. At the very least, I would definitely be re-evaluating things. Obviously, you cannot trust them as much as you thought and that's definitely something to think long and hard about.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 8:12am

I would certainly be upset as well, and he needs to understand that what he did was cheating and he needs to realize the harm that has done to your relationship and be willing to work with you to repair that damage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 1:19pm
My fiancee does the same thing and we LIVE together. He will usually do it while i'm in the shower or in bed asleep or waiting for him. I know how you feel, I feel the same way, extremely pissed off. I left once, but came back because he promised not to do it anymore, but I have caught him doing it again recently. I don't know what to tell you except to be very observant of his habits, his actions. If you don't feel comfortable with it and he knows you dont' and he still does it that might mean you need to take a closer look at you're relationship. I know I am!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Sun, 03-07-2004 - 6:32pm
It is indeed cheating. I know you must be heartbroken, to know your SO wants to be with someone else even if he is just typing it. I hope he will understand why it hurt you and be willing to work through it with you, then you can begin to heal. My therapist says men may mean well but often don't think through their actions and sometimes need to be hit in the head befoe they realize what they are doing is hurtful and wrong. Good luck! {{hug}}
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 9:26am
Without you around on a regular basis, it has left him with too much time on his hands and he has chosen poorly what to do with that time. Instead of pleasing himself the normal way, he chose to take it to the full extent before considered cheating. I would be so upset, but I don't know your relationship and how sorry and regretful he is. If he simply made the wrong choice in looking for satisfaction while you're apart and is regretful and you believe that he won't do it again, I might be forgiving. I might even entertain the idea of cybersex together online while you're apart to help the separation time. But if this is something he does on a regular basis, then chances are he would like to continue with it, and just be better at covering his tracks. I wish I could give better advice, but I haven't seen anyone I know with this type of grey-area cheating, where it isn't clear cut whether what he did is worthy of a break-up or forgiveness. You know what you can forgive and forget, so just do what is best for you.

 

Tiffany