Have I completely screwed-up?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2004
Have I completely screwed-up?
1
Sun, 07-18-2004 - 6:54pm
Where do I start...my relationship is falling apart. Mostly all of my fault. I am a mess. I am falling apart.

I have met the most perfect guy. We've been dating for 2 years now. I honestly, cannot think of a bad thing to say about him. Other than the fact that he is in the Air Force nd moving in a year. One of his other FEW flaws...he isn't too good about sharing his feelings of our future. I, of course, am afraid he is going to hurt me.

We are a great couple. Really, best-friends. He treats me great, loves me unconditionally, makes me laugh. We are crazy about each other. Our only problems are when I start bickering about something, or start harping on our future. We have been fighting a lot about him sharing his feelings, our futures, etc.

I am getting worried about where our relationship stands when he leaves here in about a year. I have to talk about it all the time. I want to know if I am included in his plans, if he plans on getting married, etc. He says he wants to get married, wants to marry me, just not anytime soon.

I know that he loves me. I also know that I push him away. (To protect myself.) I asked if he still wanted to stay with me. (We've been fighting about this for a month now.) He says he doesn't know anymore. I asked if he has just been leading me on lately, and if we want the same things. He says, "We don't want the same things. I've just realized that lately". It was a mess. He "doesn't know" if he wants to stay together because of all of our fighting...mostly due to me needing reassurance/validation.

Have I completely screwed-up? What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I NEED reassurance from such a great guy? Why do I push everyone away? How do I fix my bad habits of this?

I'd really like some advice. I think I've ruined the greatest relationship I've had.




Edited 7/18/2004 7:27 pm ET ET by cherlemery

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2004
Mon, 07-19-2004 - 12:03am
To be honest, it's hard to tell from your message what's really causing the conflict. It's just tough to get enough detail here to sort it out. Yes, it is possible that your emotional insecurity is driving him away. If so, it might help to talk with a counselor who can spend time helping you figure out why you are insecure. Just taking the first steps to get counseling might help give your relationship new hope.

It's also possible that you are blaming yourself for your guy's inability to commit. These vague "someday" messages he's been giving you could be the CAUSE of your insecurity. Maybe you're getting these nagging doubts because you are beginning to see that he has no intention of really committing. Once again, it's probably best to try sorting this out with a counselor who can help you put together all the puzzle pieces.

To me, it's the old question of, "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?" Either your insecurity is driving him away, or his unwillingness to commit is causing you to feel insecure. I think you're going to need to sit down and talk with a professional who can help you figure out what the problem really is.

Best of luck!