Have I done all I can do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2006
Have I done all I can do?
4
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 3:18pm
My BF and I have known each other for almost 2 years, and living together the last year. We met through eharmony and seemed to fall for each other right away. I moved 9 hours from my home town to be with him...it's just him and me in this city where he has to stay because of his job. Since I moved in, he's on his computer ALL THE TIME. I'm not exaggerating. He comes home from work around 6 p.m., talks to me for 5-10 minutes as I cook his dinner, then sits down to the computer and is on it until at least 1 a.m. We haven't had sex in a month. We have had multiple "discussions" (arguments) about this computer addiction, which I really believe it is. The most recent was last weekend where I actually booked a moving truck to go back home. He said "I never said I wasn't willing to work on us", which I took to mean that he WAS WILLING. Well, fast forward to Friday night where he came home from work and slept until 10:30 p.m., then woke up to eat and play on the computer for a few hours. I went to bed alone. Again. Then Saturday he was on from the time he woke up until we left for dinner/movie, then got on again until he came to bed at about 2:30. Now it's Sunday and he's been on since he woke up. I tried to gently remind him of our discussion last week, to which he of course got defensive and just went back to him computer. I think his behavior is weird and lazy. I feel like I do everything around here. He's had a pile of books and mail on the kitchen table for 8 weeks now that hasn't moved despite my asking every week "Could you please clear the table so I can do my taxes". He just won't. Not only that, but I'm tired of feeling "alone" with him in the house, going to sleep by myself, and doing everything by myself to run this house. It doesn't sound to me like he's willing to work on this, what do you think? He tells me I'm too needy for his attention. I think he's too needy for his stupid gun chat-rooms!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2002
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 7:12pm

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I'm not sure what to tell you. Having been addicted to chat rooms myself, I can tell you that it was a hard habit to break. Even now, when I'm at home alone, I find myself clicking on the link out of habit. It's a tough one, because in your head, you think you're socializing with other people - you are, kind of, but at the same time you're ignoring those around you. All I can say is that it probably won't end soon.

Could you suggest doing activities outside of the home? It would help remind him that there is a whole wide world out there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 5:41pm

Hi sable_halloran and welcome to the board.


Addictions are hard to deal with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2007
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 7:00pm

Hi Sable,

I can relate to your story in so many ways...I have been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years and he is a poker player. He does not work (he considers playing poker on his laptop his job) and if i ask what hes doing he say "im in the office" (he is really laying on the couch playing poker) When i get hme from work he is either asleep on the couch with dirty dishes, his socks and whatever else all over the floor next to the couch and the dog is roaming free around the house unsupervised ( Probably drinking the toilet water since he is too lazy to shut the bathroom door)

Then he gets on his laptop and plays his games and i try to talk to him and he does not take his eyes away from the screen once to acknowledge me or what im saying. he has no interest in communicating with me whatsoever. So i do the wash or get something to eat or read a book. I feel like i live alone, i might as well be. I have more interaction with our dog than him. I honestly think i will just go crazy soon because i feel like i am invisible.

I usually go out with my friends on friday and saturday nights and stay out because i dont even think he notices that i dont come home. He has friends but they also play poker, not for a living but for fun, and these are the only people he talks to. sometimes he will talk on his cell phone to someone who is watching him play poker online and he is all happy and all smiles.

Dont get me wrong i love him alot, this has only been happening since we moved in together 8 months ago, before that he was outgoing, pleasant, funny, had so many friends i was amazed that everywhere we went he knew everyone. Now when i go out with my friends i run into his old friends all the time and all they do is ask where he is and that they have not seen him a long time. It just really shocks me that for 5 years things were beyond great and now he is just a different person completely. I have slept alone in our bed for 2 months now and he says he is too tired to come upstairs when he is finished playing.

I just keep thinking, i would never marry this person, so if i am asking myself that question, is there any point? I have tried to have conversations with him but it is like talking to a wall, he just agrees with everything i say and doesnt do anything about it. Im at the point now where i come in from work angry and just start getting on his back about everything that he doesnt do, and im sure that that is unhealthy.

Anyway, i think that your boyfriend and mine also have addictions. It is consuming there lives. have you tried talking to his family about his lifestyle?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2006
Sat, 03-24-2007 - 10:30am

I'm so sorry you're in that situation. Why can't they see that it is NOT normal to spend all your waking hours on the computer? My BF complains of headaches (eye strain from looking at the screen) and neck aches (bad posture propping his neck up while laying down). It affects everything physically and emotionally!

We met online (irony in that?) so my latest kick is that he's talking to some girl on there. I asked him and he didn't reply defensively--I don't really know what that means, but... His phone was laying on the table, and I went into the address book to change my parent's name to something funny when it pops up (my mom likes to call him out of the blue to "chat" and he hates it) and I found the name "Dawn". He only has a handful of names in his phone anyway, so whoever that is must be important. I haven't told him that I found it because last time when I was innocently enough using his computer (because I didn't have Microsoft Word) and I went to "recent documents" to find my paper and I saw one at the top that said "IM". I saved all our IMs from when he was overseas, and I thought it was cute that he was doing the same. Well, they weren't from me...it was some disgustingly filthy sex conversation from the ugliest girl I've ever seen that he was saying "I love you" to about a month before we started talking. He was SO MAD when I told him, and he accused me of snooping through his stuff--which I really WASN'T. So...

I don't know his family well enough to talk to them about his behavior as they live out of state.

It's horrendous on our relationship. I tried to hide his computer one day when he came home from work kinda in a way to say get such-and-such done and you can have it back, and he went insane! I literally have to say 'put the computer down and love on me'. Then I get accused of being "needy" and "clingy" and that I can't entertain myself. He tries to make me think that I'm not happy with myself and I need him to make me happy, but I know differently. I was perfectly happy before him, so I know it's not that! I threatened to leave about a week ago, even sitting down with him and picking a moving date. Then he was a perfect angel to me for 2-3 days, being the kind of guy I know he is but just won't put the effort into being.

I'll read those books that someone suggested and see what I can learn from them...Wish me luck!