Have no idea how to handle this....

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Have no idea how to handle this....
3
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 10:12pm

My boyfriend and I have been together now for 11 months, and 9 of those months we have been living together. (I know, I know....way too fast.) Recently we started to have some issues that I need advice on, since I really do feel that it will make or break us. We talked about marriage, which he says he is okay with, but when I bring up children he does not like the idea. I told him my sister was pregnant and I was so happy for her and he had almost no reaction. Plus he gets squirmy when I talk about it. He is very much absorbed in his own goals (which include getting his Ph.D. and becoming the CIO of a major corporation) that it seems like my needs are taking a backseat. In his words, "nothing will stop me from getting my school done, and I mean nothing". There is no room for compromise that I can see, and yet my mother thinks we should talk this out. My family likes him but you know, I don't want to have the feeling that I would want a family in a few years and he says I never said I wanted that. I told him this and he says well you knew that when we met. We barely talked about it then and he said maybe, and as for him being buried in school and a workaholic he says I have known that for 11 months......not true because he has been WAY worse lately. Yesterday he didn't come home at all till 11:30 at night; he worked from 6am-4pm and supposedly sent me a text I didn't respond to right away, so instead of calling me he goes to eat dinner alone and then goes not home, but straight back to work even though he didnt have to be there again till 10 pm to repair a network server. He swears it's not because he didn't want to come home but what am I supposed to think? I am at a loss for what to do. Please, someone help me figure this out.

- Jessica

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 08-24-2007 - 1:01am

Hi Jessica and welcome to the board,


I think you need to have another conversation with him that clarifies this "nothing will stop me from getting my school done, and I mean nothing".

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Fri, 08-24-2007 - 5:15am

Jessica, how old are you? What are your own plans for education and career?

It really sounds to me as if you and your mother are making the assumption that a man who loves a woman will ultimately marry her and have children with her--a pretty normal assumption, all-in-all, but one that doesn't seem to be operative here.

He's willing to marry you, but he doesn't like the idea of children. He is indifferent to your sister's pregnancy, and uneasy when you talk about having children. He is entirely focused on himself and his career goals, and has stated so clearly. He spends many hours each day at school and at work to advance these goals; you feel that he is spending more and more time doing this, including being gone for almost 18 hours yesterday.

Having children is very important to you, and it sounds as if you won't want to continue the relationship if you learn that he absolutely doesn't want children. From what I read in your post, it sounds as if you are sometimes testing to see what his opinion is and if it has changed, and I think it's starting to sound like nagging to him. He doesn't want to hear about your sister, he doesn't want to have to speculate about what his feelings will be in eight or nine years, he just wants to concentrate on that network server.

You can try eliminating from your conversation all references to babies, pregnancy, and your future together, but that wouldn't be fair to you. You could try focusing on your career objectives as intensely as he's focusing on his, but that may not be what you want for yourself. Since your life is about you, not about the prospective CIO of a major corporation, consider mentally establishing a date by which you want to know how he feels about children and your future together, a date for yourself (don't tell him) by which, if your ideas are still at odds, you will regretfully part. Don't bring it up between now and then. If he is still non-committal when you discuss it with him, then you have the answer you need to make an important decision for your own future.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-24-2007 - 11:40am

It's really not so hard to figure this out. It seems very clear that he's told you he doesn't want children, and that nothing will get in his way. This guy is totally committed to "himself", his work, ambitions and plans. He hasn't pretended otherwise, either. You have been unwilling to really believe what he says. He might be okay with marriage, but it's very clear that this is not the kind of man who wants to be a father or who will put time and energy into his family should he have them one day. This is how he is now. Unless he goes through real changes, it doesn't seem as if the two of you are on the same page.


Many women wait around and hope for the guy to change. This is a huge mistake. A person only changes if and when they are unhappy with their lifestyle and feel the desire for something else. He shows no signs at all of this, even though you wish he would be different.


Become very clear about what you want in life, and if the two of you aren't on the same page about it, move on to another situation where there are mutual goals, values and life direction.


Best wishes,