Having problems anniversary coming up. Help

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2005
Having problems anniversary coming up. Help
5
Tue, 06-25-2013 - 5:05pm
Thank you all for your advice. I have decided to change the post for privacy reasons. Thank you all!!!
Avatar for lizmvr
Community Leader
Registered: 06-06-2001
Tue, 06-25-2013 - 6:43pm

What do you want? Do you want to stay married to him? If so, then I would suggest getting him a gift and taking his concerns seriously. If you know that you scream a lot, and you feel this is pushing him away, but you want to stay married and get happier, then are you working on curbing the screaming?

I really think you need to think about what you want out of your marriage. If you love him, want him to stay, and want to work to make your relationship better, really think about how you can do that and then have a serious talk with him.

Have you ever been to therapy together?

Liz


Clinical Research Associate


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 06-25-2013 - 11:34pm

An anniversary is a day to celebrate the fact that you're happily married, and you're certainly not that.  He doesn't know what he wants, but what about what you want?  Do you want the marriage to be over?  What he's saying makes no sense at all.  Either he's your husband, or he goes away and the marriage is over.  You say you're a screamer and you know that bothers him?  It would bother anyone to be screamed at!  How about you stop screaming at him.  It's not something you were born with, it's a choice you make!  So choose to STOP screaming at him.  How about instead of arguing, which is certainly not helping your daughters health......you start talking to each other, and figuring out what went wrong and why?  If you can't do it on your own, then get some professional help.......counseling!  Don't worry about a gift, there's nothing to celebrate........fix your marriage so you can buy him a gift next year!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2005
Wed, 06-26-2013 - 9:33am

Thank you for responding to my post. I want this marriage. I love this man.  You are right my sreaming needs to stop. I have realized that. It seems that I feel neglected, he gets defensive when I bring it up and then I start sreaming. He has told me that my screaming has pushed him away. I don't know how to get him to understand how him working all the time makes me feel. I understand he has to work and he has to work when the work is there. I think he could schedule things a little differently and I have told him that. He has a fear that if he doesn't work when people want him there, he won't have any work. I get that. I think working from 7 a.m. until 11 p.m. is crazy. So...maybe the question now is, how do I pull him back. Yes we went to therapy. We were told we really don't have any problems. I need to stop yelling and he needs to remember a date night. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Wed, 06-26-2013 - 10:51am

I think that the therapist that told you that there are no problems should find a new field of work.  Of course you have problems, you both do!  And the marriage does.  What field of work is he in that he would work 16 hours straight on a regular basis?  That's wrong for the marriage, and it's wrong for his health, too.  Are you desperate for money?  So many things just don't ring true.  I don't want to put ideas in your head, but are you sure he's at work?  You need to look for a new counselor for you, if not both of you.  Someone that can help you with better ways to deal with him......and maybe if it's a good one, you'll get him to go with you.  For the time being, just forget the 'date nite" because it's a sore spot for both of you.  Try killing him with kindness so that he will give up on the idea of leaving for now, and try to get thru to him that you have a child with delicate health, and his leaving won't be good for her, in fact, his absence isn't good for her either.  I hope you can work things out.......and it will take work on your part as well as his.  Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 06-26-2013 - 2:22pm

Obviously your therapist is an idiot--if people go to a therapist and say they are unhappy in their marriage, they have problems.  You should find someone new.  First of all, if my spouse was always yelling at me, I'd avoid going home too.  You also say he was always a workaholic.  Now you know your financial circumstances--sometimes people who do something like construction, which has its ups & downs, have to work when there is work because there are usually periods of down time.  So you know whether you have money or not.  If you really have savings and more than enough money to pay your bills, instead of yelling & confronting him and complaining, put it like "I would really like to spend more time with you and I'd like to talk to you about whether there is any way that you could work less or we could cut expenses" and ask for his input--do you work?  What if you got a job to take some of the pressure off him?  I'd also point out that you luckily did not lose your DD--but she is still a child.  Soon enough and hopefully her good health will last, she'll be in high school and wanting to spend her free time with her friends and then she'll be in college--does he want to look back on his DD's childhood & see that he missed spending any time with her because of work?  And then again, there are people who are workaholics and like other addictions, things won't change if they dont' want them to change, so you have to decide what happens if he wont' change--if you leave him, you'll be alone anyway, but there's then the possibility of meeting someone who would actually want to spend time with you.