Having a tough time with this

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Having a tough time with this
18
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 6:36pm

Just needed to vent mainly but if anyone has any words of wisdom for me or advice it would be greatly appreciated.
I've been in a relationship with a really sweet, loving and caring man for 8 months now and overall things are good but I'm having a hard time accepting a major difference between us. Since it's been 8 months, the honeymoon phase is now over and this difference is a lot more apparent now and it's been eating at me and making me sad.
A little background:
I hope this doesn't sound shallow because it's not meant to be but it's a real worry for me sometimes. I've been pretty ambitious most of my life and always shoot for the things that I want out of life and am very grateful that I am in the career I am in because of the hard work I did to get there. Well, my dbf has done things differently. He never graduated from college because he struggled a lot with keeping up with the work and had back problems that contributed to him not finishing, he even tried 7 times to no avail to finish. So he accepted that college was not his thing and ended up getting into a position in an insurance company doing processing work that he is content with but doesnt' pay very much. He has basically told me that he is a simple guy who is fine with where he is and basically in a nut-shell has told me that he doesn't really plan on changing and if he does it will be small strides within his same company. He doesn't want to change for others and i completely understand, that's fair enough and I shouldn't want to change him to be fair, but sometimes I worry about if we were to get married and have kids how we would fare financially. I guess my dilemma is do I leave a wonderful/caring man because of this reason and my not wanting to put him through this being unaccepting and worrying, or can I accept him for who he is flaws and all and try not to worry and know that we are different but we can be fine and work this through.
I don't want to leave because I love him greatly for a lot of other things that he has to offer but at the same time I'm putting myself and him through some stress with my doubts.




Edited 6/19/2007 6:47 pm ET by biochic2004

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 7:58pm

>>but sometimes I worry about if we were to get married and have kids how we would fare financially.<<

A lot of this goes back to how consumerist you want to be. If you want designer labels and widescreen TVs and a McMansion, you're really going to struggle.

However, if you would be content in a modest home with chainstore/recycled clothing, you'll be OK.

There are also considerations such as saving up while you are both working and having you return to work after the kids are in school. Or by having him be primary carer and you the income earner.

Another consideration is where you choose to live. I'm not American, but I've read that America can lay claim to the world's most expensive AND most affordable housing markets, depending on the area. You may need to find an affordable area.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2007
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 8:20pm

I know a lot of people think about their future with someone. I know i do. But in the end, if you really really love him, money would not matter. Right? Would you rather be happy and be comfortable with what you have rather than be with someone who has money and will most likely (in my point of view) be materialistic. Regardless, you will fight over money someday, if you have some or not. But please note that the most happiest people i know are not the richest. They are happy with what they have and cherish each other everyday, because they don't fight over materialistic things instead they appreciate.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 8:24pm

Hey BC--I'm sorry to hear this is an issue that's bothering you. But it is what it is.

This is one of those things that forces you to really KNOW yourself and know what's acceptable to you and what isn't. I think the fact that you refer to this as a "flaw" is very telling though because to me it wouldn't be a "flaw", it would just be a difference and not one that mattered. I'm fine with someone reliable who has a decent job and is financially responsible within his own means. But I'm not you obviously--so it's not wrong that you think this is a flaw, it's just who and how you are. Can you change that thinking and not see it as a flaw? Maybe, maybe not.

But bottom line, you do need to be able to accept him for who he is and not be thinking or wanting or hoping he will change, not even a little bit. If you can't do that, then you're not right for each other.

Have you read "Are you the One for Me?" by Barbara D'angelo (Sp)? I think you might find it helpful in trying to make your decision.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 8:43pm
Thanks for the helpful considerations. I'm actually not one to need or want the name brand stuff. I never have and probably never will want that so I'm wondering why this is so hard for me. I know that some women would prefer all the flashy things in life and I can see why they would be having a harder time with this, but I've always been one to watch my pennies and save and not care about jewlery, nice clothes etc etc. We do live in a very expensive city that is hard to afford to live in. I know we both love it here and he has family here so it would be hard to leave but maybe that might be an option if we notice we are strugging??
I've thought about making him the primary caregiver if we were to have kids. I honestly think that part of the reason why I'm having a tough go is that I know that by societal standards the woman being the breadwinner is uncommon (which I shouldn't worry about I know) and also maybe wanting to feel more secure if I were to lose my job knowing that he could help out, knowing that things most likely won't be equal. I'm not so sure if I'm ok with that. There are some times where I think I would be and other times where I don't.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 8:46pm
What you say is true, he is a humble man. There are things to be admired about someone who is not so money driven. I think I'm surrounded so much by money-driven/materialistic people in my job and all around me in this city that it's hard for me to shut out that noise and chatter.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 8:51pm
Hi Sheri! Thanks for the advice. I do have the book you suggested. Maybe it might be a good idea to read it over again pertaining to this relationship. You bring up a good point about seeing it as a flaw. I'm not sure why I even worded it that way but there must be a reason why. I know that in the past I've had a boyfriend who took advantage of me making more money and I supported him and he treated me like crap so maybe this has something to do with it too. I've dated even a couple more guys who didn't make as much after that who tried to be equal with me and didn't take advantage of me but I still had some slight resentment towards them really for no reason because they were both fair guys with money. I just wish i knew where this was coming from.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 9:16pm

Sounds like this might be a good thing to work through with your counselor, if you're not already. I wouldn't be surprised if you had some residual resentment and fear to work through about being taken advantage of financially given what you said.

And yes, it might be a good idea to pull the book out and see what resonates. I'm thinking in particular of the example she gives of the professional woman who was dating the gardener (or something like that) and realized it wasn't going to work--not because he wasn't a great guy and not because she didn't love him but because they weren't compatible in respects that were too important to her to give up.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2006
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 9:42pm

Hey biochic2004-

If I remember correctly from way back when...didn't you post that you think you have some commitment issues? If that is true....is it possible now since you've hit the 8 month, getting more comfortable mark--- that your current questioning of this relationship and bf's lack of drive/money making potential is really more about your *looking* for a reason to get out?

Just something to ponder.... :)

Good Luck!
zjaney

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 10:05pm

Hey chica ;)

I think I might know where this is coming from. Granted, we don't "know" each other all that well, but it's been what, well over a year now we've been reading each other's posts so I'm gonna take a stab at it, you tell me how close I am, k? ;)

I'm thinking that even as an independent woman, and even with the modern thinking of switching traditional gender roles of breadwinner and caretaker, which I also personally have absolutely no problem with, you still really want to know that if the crap hits the fan, your guy will be able to step up and take care of business. That's it. I think that's pretty much what anyone wants, it's just that much harder for a woman specifically, who's had to learn to rely only on herself and yeah, it's been a bitch sometimes dealing with everything alone, who's finally gotten to the point that she's doign it pretty ok by herself, to actually consider and be able to let go of the reins and (gasp) trust someone else to do it.

When I was growing up, my Mom told me to look for a man who wouldn't be afraid of hard work, and wasn't above doing a dirty job if that's what it would take to take care of things. She said that a decent man who could fit that, would probably be a good provider. I know you don't need a provider, just go with the old-skool for a bit ;) I'm thinking if your guy is all-fire mcdreamy like you've made him out to be these last several months, and he's not above doing some hard work if necessary, doesn't live above his means, then he'd be okay in the future too.

Good luck!

~~.: Sandra :.~~

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 11:15pm
Hi all, good to see some familiar faces. Thanks for all the advice. It really could be a number of things. I agree with talking to my counselor and trying to figure out if there are some underlying trust issues from the past, commitment issues and fear etc etc.
But I do agree I need to accept him as he is and show him just as much love and support as he's given me if I am to stay in this. I think I have a lot of soul-searching to do to figure out if this is truley right for me for the long-haul. I think I'm hitting a crossroads in decision making which is very scary right now.
I do agree, Sandra, that I have been doing it on my own for some time now and it's hard to trust someone else and bring them into my life and to know that he'll be there to help me take care of the crazy stuff as it occurs. I have had a hard time accepting help because of pride, but I want help at the same time (if that makes any sense lol, I confuse myself so much sometimes).

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