Having a tough time with this
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| Tue, 06-19-2007 - 6:36pm |
Just needed to vent mainly but if anyone has any words of wisdom for me or advice it would be greatly appreciated.
I've been in a relationship with a really sweet, loving and caring man for 8 months now and overall things are good but I'm having a hard time accepting a major difference between us. Since it's been 8 months, the honeymoon phase is now over and this difference is a lot more apparent now and it's been eating at me and making me sad.
A little background:
I hope this doesn't sound shallow because it's not meant to be but it's a real worry for me sometimes. I've been pretty ambitious most of my life and always shoot for the things that I want out of life and am very grateful that I am in the career I am in because of the hard work I did to get there. Well, my dbf has done things differently. He never graduated from college because he struggled a lot with keeping up with the work and had back problems that contributed to him not finishing, he even tried 7 times to no avail to finish. So he accepted that college was not his thing and ended up getting into a position in an insurance company doing processing work that he is content with but doesnt' pay very much. He has basically told me that he is a simple guy who is fine with where he is and basically in a nut-shell has told me that he doesn't really plan on changing and if he does it will be small strides within his same company. He doesn't want to change for others and i completely understand, that's fair enough and I shouldn't want to change him to be fair, but sometimes I worry about if we were to get married and have kids how we would fare financially. I guess my dilemma is do I leave a wonderful/caring man because of this reason and my not wanting to put him through this being unaccepting and worrying, or can I accept him for who he is flaws and all and try not to worry and know that we are different but we can be fine and work this through.
I don't want to leave because I love him greatly for a lot of other things that he has to offer but at the same time I'm putting myself and him through some stress with my doubts.
Edited 6/19/2007 6:47 pm ET by biochic2004

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zjaney
You really are asking whether you should leave a great r-ship of 8 months with an all around great man who treats you very well because of the fact that he is content with a little 9 to 5 job and doesn't want to spend his life chasing promotions and big bucks? Sigh. It's your call. Indeed you cannnot expect him to suddenly become Mr Rich Ambitious Businessman - no point even trying. So, the final decision is yours. If social status/being well-off is THAT important to you, there is no future for the two of you. Also, if you were thinking of leaving work to have kids and have your man provide for the family you most likely won't be able to do this with this particular man. Again, your call. Additionally.. although 8 months is a significant amount of time to have spent together.. marriage? kids? isn't this a little bit premature?
As far as being a stay at home mom, I've put some thought into that and I don't think that I would really need to be one. I think that for me continuing to work would be a good thing because it keeps my mind occupied. I wouldn't be opposed to the idea if someone was willing to allow me to be a stay at home mom but I don't need to be. I could go either way.
I know I can't expect him to change, it's just not fair to him or to me and he's been nothing but kind to me. This is why I'm having such a rough time. I don't know why these feelings have come to the surface so much. I think I"m just trying to pinpoint them and see if there are any underlying issues or more compatibility issues that could be adding to them.
Honestly, these sound like a lot of the same fears men face in general when they come to the same crossroads as you are right now.
"FWIW, I never got the impression you were overly concerned with status/riches/materialism or anything of the sort. I think you just want to know is the apparent "mismatch" in ambitious career drive enough to drive you apart? Or does it really matter? That has nothing to do with this particular man and everything to do with you, because you'd feel the same way in the same circumstance, no matter who the guy was"
Thanks Sandra. This is spot on how how I feel, you hit the nail on the head.
This is a tough situation and I’m sorry to hear about your confusion at this point.
Thanks for your stories/advice. I truely am happy for you that your bf seems to be a perfect fit for you. He sounds like a great catch and you were definately true to yourself in deciding what you really wanted and what was important to you in a mate even after so many dating trials and errors.
I would definately prefer that my bf was the ambitious type because like you, I do find that a sexy quality but in reality he's not and I know that if he were to go for things it would have to come from within him and it would not come from me. But I need to accept that he probably will never be this way if he's not already. I am trying to figure out how important this will be to me in the long-haul. I did overlook it becuase he had so many other great qualities when I met him and was attracted to him regardless, but the doubts eventually did start coming to the surface. I think it was mainly because he tends to doubt himself with things and is afraid of failure. But that is so deep rooted inside of him that it would take a lot of soul-searching for him to figure it out if he ever figures it out. I know the good definately outweighs the bad and his humbe character, calm nature and simple way of looking at things is really great and he does make me happy so it is a tough one to consider. I'll be doing more soul-searching on this and figuring things out.
Thanks and be careful even with my advice, it’s important you figure things out for you. Too much advice takes away from how you truly feel and will make you doubt yourself.
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