he asked for a DNA tesst

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
he asked for a DNA tesst
10
Sun, 03-25-2007 - 12:59pm

I am 11 weeks pregnant and my boyfriend of 1.5 years has been very excited about our pregnancy. Last night he asked me to have a DNA test. I was so hurt and angry that I barely could speak to him. For the first time ever I felt like ending my blissful relationship. I told him I could not continue with a relationship that was not based on trust.

He vehemently justified it as "not a trust issue, but a matter of his rights". He continued to claim that it should be standard for every child born. I'm so sick about his request, I could just curl up and die. No matter how he justifies it, I can't see how this could mean anything other than a lack of trust on his part. I'm sickened by the situation and feel so trapped into a now lifelong relationship with someone I once thought was the perfect man. If I had known I was involved in a relationship not based on trust, I would have never gotten pregnant.

I'm so disgusted I don't want to see him ever again. I went from being on top of the world to feeling totally betrayed in one 30 minute phone call.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 03-25-2007 - 6:20pm

Welcome to the board cocoart,


This should be a happy time for you and now it's not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Sun, 03-25-2007 - 7:14pm
You say that this is a blissful relationship but I wonder if there have been other trust issues and other problems. Have you ever spoken about marriage?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
Sun, 03-25-2007 - 8:46pm
no other issues. And yes, we've talked about it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2002
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 11:04am
Could he have talked to one of his bone-headed friends and got bone-headed advice to ask for a DNA test? Granted, he should have known better and trusted you, but we all make dumb and hurtful mistakes, especially when there big changes in our future. Have you talked to him since you posted?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 11:16am

I don't blame you for being upset I would feel the same way. My suggestion is to tell him fine you have no problem with a dna test because you know this baby is his and then tell him you want to go to couples counseling to figure out why he doesn't trust you.


Has he ever had problems trusting you before?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 6:51pm

Considering just how much fraud goes on in terms of naming the wrong man as the father, a lot of people really do feel that a DNA test should be standard for all babies. Certainly I can see how you'd feel very hurt that he asked, but I can also see that your refusal and defensiveness could easily make it look like you are guilty of something that you want to stay hidden. He didn't even have to tell you he wanted a DNA test. If he really thought you had cheated, he could have waited until the baby was done and secretly had it done.

You can break up with him and deprive your child of a full time father if that's what you really want, but he does have a right to have the DNA test done. If there's nothing you need to hide, then why not do it voluntarily without a court order since it is his legal right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 9:42am

Yes, we spoke several times. I flipped out on him and he explained that he wants the test because he is scared I will take the baby and leave the state. He's trying to protect his rights as afather. I can see where he can feel this way because I've been throwing up 4-5 times per day for the last month and I'm starting to feel very depressed. I have been feeling a little unstable lately. I have never said in so many words I would leave, but he may be feeling "something not quite right" with me lately. That is certainly legit. The problem is now, I am angry he doesn't just understand that I'm emotional and exhausted. He takes it as me being mean and angry. It's certainly a combination of both at this point. I definitely have had a problem in the past with getting upset easily and raising my voice, etc. I even broke up with him in a rather traumatic way last year and walked out in the middle of the night. He tells me all the time I broke his heart. We were able to work things out soon after and it has been going so well up until the past week.

Last night I told him I wanted to break up, even though I really didn't feel that way. We spoke for hours and I said things I regret. It was as if someone else was saying things from my mouth that were not my words. I immediately regretted the request to break up. Unfortunately, I don't think I can turn this around. I am certain he is afraid to love me now after this happening twice. Even though we are split, we had our first "preventative couples counseling" scheduled for the day after tomorrow. I hope he is still willing to come.

I should let you know that his best friend just split up with his wife and they have a newborn. He has been paranoid it would happen to us since their break-up. His friend moved into his house so it is a constant reminder that relationships fail.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2002
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 12:09pm
I'm sorry you're having a rough time with the pregnancy and (on top of it all) with your relationship. I'll keep my fingers crossed that he shows up for counseling.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 1:21pm

You say 'no other issues.'

and then you write;

'I definitely have had a problem in the past with getting upset easily and raising my voice, etc. I even broke up with him in a rather traumatic way last year and walked out in the middle of the night.'

It seems that the two of you should see a couples counselor to work out the trust problems if you both want to be in the relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 9:55am
Sorry there if you didn't understand what was asked and answered. The issue at first seemed to be about him trusting my honor in whether the child was his. I was hurt about this and posted because it did not make any sense to me. The question about trust issues was at that time asked then answered NO. He claims 110% faith in his trust for me and always has. The issue that he is claiming is his fears, not trust for me.