He asked for a monogamous relationship!
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| Thu, 01-22-2004 - 9:25pm |
I just got back from seeing him again and need some advice from you all. While we were together he asked me how I felt about him. Up to that point I hadn't told him that I love him or the usual ooshy gooshy things we women tend to say to our men only hoping that it's reciprocated. So I waited for him to bring it up. I figured, what's the point of me bringing it up when most men run when they hear the "L" word? If he's to the point where it's important to him then he will bring up the conversation. Well, he did.
He asked how I felt about him and told me he loved me(I love him too), but was cautious about it because he felt vulnerable. We talked quite a bit about why he felt that way which brought him to the point of telling me that he wanted me to himself and would I be willing for us to see each other exclusively and to have a monogamous relationship. I asked him what that meant to him so we would be on the same page. He asked that we date only each other. He also asked that we be sexually exclusive, both physically and emotionally. I asked what kind of physical contact with the opposite sex is permitted and he said hugging is okay, but he didn't think kissing even casually on the lips was a good idea. I said if we both have the same "rules" for each other I'm okay with that(even though I do kiss all of my friends, male and female) I can stop the male friend kissing for him, sure. He also asked, since my roommate of many years is male that we be in some modest state of dress whenever possible.(my roomie and I sometimes see each other in the buff, no big deal, it happens)I can understand my boyfriends concern and have changed that part of my homelife to accomodate his feelings on the matter.
Now the dilemma I need help with...
while meeting some of his guy friends the conversation turned to one of them is getting married. The topic of his bachelor party was brought up and which strip club were they going to. My boyfriend had a big smile on his face and made some comments on how he was looking forward to it, that it was "very cool". I sat there with a slight smile on my face the entire time and kept quiet, just listening. I wanted to see where this was going. When it was all over I thought to myself...this doesn't sound like emotional or physical monogamy to me. He's asking me to not have any nudity with my roommate of 5+ yrs who I don't look at in a sexual way, but it's okay for him to go to a strip club spending several hours with a bleached-blonde Barbie-type of 34DD fame seductively stripping her clothes off while he's expending and investing his sexual energy in her? From what I understand, strippers are paid for a sexual performance with the purpose of stimulating sexual desire and arousal. Is this monogamous behavior? Not in my mind it isn't. It's NOT harmless fun and I will be hurt by it if he goes. But what kind of a position will that put me in? Do I want to be the one to throw a wet blanket on his night at the bachelor party? no, I don't. I would prefer he decide for himself that it's not acceptable behavior without me mentioning it. If he feels this isn't being unfaithful, for whatever his reasons *might* be, then I would rather we go back to our previous state of not having a monogamous commitment.
Things about us that might help in seeing us better:
he's brilliant, handsome face, successful, overweight, shy, doesn't have an attractive body (I don't care about that but he does).
there's me on the other hand, I'm of average intelligence, accomplished, quick minded, fun loving, beautiful face and a killer figure (I work out).
So why is this okay for him to do? It smacks of double standard. The bachelor party is in one month and I want to somehow bring this up in conversation, but I feel so agitated about this I'm afraid I might overstate things. What kinds of things do I say and ask to get my point across without seeming like I'm a prude or want to rain on this party?

You two either have standards, principles, morals, ethics, values, beliefs, and ideals that you live by, up to, and within at all times in all situations - or you don't. Period the end.
If you're "situationally ethical/moral/prinicipled/value oriented" - what you're in is called "denial" and that ain't just a river in Egypt!
I think you need to look at a reality here...people don't look behind a door unless they've stood there.
Now...you two have been good friends for years. Friends is one thing...whatever you two don't see eye to eye on you can agree to disagree, you know where the other stands, and issues of importance to you that wuld conflict with them -y ou don't discuss, or get them involved with in your life. Friendship allows that - romantic involvement does not.
So this romantic liason is not an "extension" of your friendship. If the romantic relationship works out because in the critical matters of definitions of a great life and how to achieve it, and in stanards, values, principles and priorites you two align - that's great. Friendship will stand by you when "lust" has forsaken you temporarily, and you're not sure that you "like" what he's doing/saying in regard to its impact on you" at this moment but you realize in the scope of things it's trivial...friendship will enhance the romance. But friendship doesn't "enable" romance - so don't forget it.
Now...you're into a pretty wide gap.....you either trust, admire, respect, accept, adn appreciate him for who he is based on his values, standards, priorities and boundaries that he applies in all situations in his life (the same for him with you) or you don't. And if you don't and he doesn't do the same.....any situation that you can't control (aka - every situation in life) is going to be a potential "threat" to your relationship.
He wants to go to a strip club with his buddies and while under the watchful eye of a bouncer to make sure he looks and tips but doesn't touch....for a bachelor party. That's not "kissing female friends on the lips" - which you're saying is a no-no because his statement that "kissing on the lips of your male friend is now not an option for you". Surely, please tell me...that you're not simply "matching his guidelines, standards, ultimatums and requirements thinking it'll meet your needs!" Don't do that - it won't. It'll destroy you as a matter of fact.
And you're likening that to you living with a guy who has full access to your body should you so allow....and the request that you two dress modestly in front of one another.
I can't find the correlation. He doesn't know these women, they're there as entertainment, thre is no option for him to make any "advances" with them....and he's going primarily in a group wtih his friends in a "male bonding" type of experience/environment.
But you know your roommate, you admit that there is no hesitation to occasionally see one another in the nude, possibly you've had "benefits" with this roomie when one or both of you has been in a dry spell...and he's asking that you clothe yourself appropriately when around this man while alone so that what is now "exclusively his by your word" is not being viewed by the general male population.
What's evident to me with all tehse rules and guidelines is that you two don't know one another on fundamental levels, as accepting of each other adults. You accept that you have fun, great conversations, great sex, great enjoyment...but what you haven't established that you wish each other well as individuals because you admire, respect, trust, and accept one another and want the best for each other, as each individual determines that to be for themselves.
Otherwise, this question wouldn't exist, adn these "rules" wouldn't be an issue.
If he trusted taht your word was your bond based on his knowledge of your values and his respect of tem....he'd know that your "standard" of kissing male acquaintences on the lips doesn't mean anything to you. And thus the "standard" has no threat to him, ad our actions are not a threat to your relationship. He's also know that if your "standard" might now require you to modestly clothe yourself around the roomie because you're now "in an exclusive relationship" vs. before you were "available if the situation/mood was right".
And if you trusted him based on your knowledge and respect of his values....you wouldn't be worried that a 36DD stripper (what are you 34A?) that he can't touch but has to pay to see....is a threat to you. You'd realize it is all good fun and a male bonding experience, and you'd also realize that whenever you two walk down the mall or street, if his VALUES entitle him to do the Exorcist head-twirl every time a well-endowed woman walks his way -he will. Otherwise, he won't.
People do what they do because they want to do it. Their values and standards and priorities justify and entitle their actions, feelings, thoughts, decisions, words, ideas, and desires. Those same values determine their character, conscience, integrity and honor in every regard and venue.
I believe what has you both concerned is this.....during the 5 years that you've had the hots without the option to pursue due to other relationships - you two have flirted like mad, and you've possibly had some "emotional affair" while in those relationship, unfulfilled - but unwilling to leave them for your own reasons at that time. Now that you're both "free" - you've been hanging out with one another since October, you've become physically intimate without any commitment...so you both know that 'sex' is something you can do and will do for "physical gratification". That it doesn't involve emotional investment or commitment to either one of you. so now you're both concerned about the "situations" that the other will find themselves in, and whether based on self benefit and the option to get away with it in the situation at the time - one or the other of you will "get turned on by and start flirting with, emotionally bonding with, and possibly getting physical with" someone else -w ithout breaking off the relationship because you're just 'not ready to do that yet". You know you did it before to someone else with each other...and now you're afraid you'll do it to each other with somenoe else.
It's a valid fear and thought...values justify actions. You two didn't do what you did because the other people were "so great or so bad" or because each other were "so hot or so great" - both of you did waht you wanted to do for your own reasons and allowed the situation to enable/justify your actions. YOou just don't want "situational values" coming back at you negatively - they will.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
I question whether a mature adult in a healthy relationship would need to sit down and set specific "rules" for his/her partner. That wouldn't go over too well with me personally. I think if there was a basic understanding, trust, respect and knowledge of one another's priorities, values and morals, that would not be necessary.
A friendship is not the same thing as a serious romantic relationship. Knowing someone as a friend is not knowing them as a lover, or life partner. Maybe you two should spend some more time dating and getting to know one another on the new romantic level before jumping into full commitment. Again, all the stipulations and rules seem a little creepy (and immature) to me. Good luck.
Carrie
Actually, I am okay with the "rules" that you came up with because I think all too often people bandy about "terms" that they think mean something and another person believes to mean something else.
James
janderson_ny@yahoo.com
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