he can't balance me and his child(long)
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he can't balance me and his child(long)
| Wed, 01-28-2004 - 5:02pm |
Background: We have been friends for 8 years and we have been seriously seeing each other since May. When we first started seeing each other he was living with his daughter and her mother. Clearly they spent everyday together. Now he is living with me and he doesn't get to see his daughter daily. I would say every other day for a few hours and some weekends. The mother is making him feel bad because she is saying he is not a good father. He got very upset and they had a big arguement over it. Now he is blaming me. He says he is spending more time with me than his daughter and I am being unfair to him. Unfair because I prefer that he does not spend time with his daughter at the mothers house while the mother is there. I am very insecure about them all being together like a big happy family. I feel like it is temptation. They always fuss and fight mostly about me and it is a very unhealthy enviornment not only for them but for his daughter espcially. Knowing this I am confused about why he would ever want to be around the mother. Thus my insecurities come into play. He can't bring his daughter to my house because I have a small condo equipped with two pit bulls that are too hyper to be around any child. He said I am being immature. Maybe I am being immature but now what...?

His job is to figure out his schedule, find a "secure" place to visit with his daughter, to spend time with her and in my opinion that excludes her mother. He needs to build a relationship with her separate from her mother.
She's telling him he's a bad father and you are the cause? Hmm, sounds like trouble to me. One he values her opinion too much, two - she's manipulating him into doing things her way, three - he probably feels guilty for the loss of time with his daughter and he's allowing himself to be manipulated by her. She has no business fussing about you, his relationship with you etc, however if he's fighting with her on this subject then he does feel guilty, he does feel like defending himself, etc. instead of saying "sorry, that topic is not open for discussion. I'm here to see my daughter, spend time with her, etc, but not justify my life to you. If he can't do this, then he's got issues, leftover, unresolved issues (baggage) and you may be the transitional relationship no matter how long you have known him.
Enough about them.
IF you are going to be in his life and want to have a relationship with the daughter as well, I suggest find a way of talking to him about providing a safe environment for a child to visit, spend the night and grow up with the two of you, that would mean 1) either getting rid of the dogs, finding them a good home, or 2) moving into a new home that provides space for the dog and the child.
Carrie
He's still married -and whether he's living with or sleepig with you - he cannot commit to you and your needs and future and well-being. He can claim he will - at the point that he can but he is not at this time committed to you in terms of a relationship or a future.
You're "action" - you're not a partner.
He left his family because being with you "felt so good" - and now he feels bad because he's not able to parent his daughter daily like he was before, that he didn't realize was such a good thing, when it was in his life on a daily basis.
You're a rebound....all he's done is prioritize in having in someone he's "with" right now - everything he didn't get in his marriage. He failed to realize all the benefits and positive aspects of his marriage and being a parent and spouse - and now he 'feels bad" that he doesn't get to have it all, all at once. Nobody does.
Parental obligation, rights, and desires supercede the desire for sex and interaction with an adult.
HE wants to parent his child. The mother has full custody and quite likely will retain it unless she's an unfit parent or financially incapable of providing for her daughte r- WITH HIS SUPPORT! Every day he should parent his child......he should be there for story time at night, and at breakfast each morning. That's "being a parent" - that it NOW interferes with having sex and fun......you're being impacted by that reality - but he created that reality for himself and you're along for the ride.
He left her mother. He took himself out of the option to parent every day without alot of hassle. He didn't eliminate his desire or obligation to "parent every day", however.
So, get used to it. The mother isn't going to be thrilled about you being around her daughter, if and when it ever happens that you and her husband are in a committed (beyond verbal) relationship...and as a result she's not going to be exactly easy to deal with.
If you wre all rational, intelligent, mature, and responsible adults - this could have been easily solved. HE could have left his wife and gotten a divorce, been there to parent his child appropriately - despite the lack of relationship with his wife. They could have established a comfortable working dyamic in which he parents every day, pays support promptly, and is allowed extensive visitation and options on it.
He THEN could have started dating you - about a year or so later. Divorces take awhile if custody or property is involved - and his wife would have also re-established her identity as an individual ,she wouldn't have been fearful of his potentially leaving her unsupported emotionally and financially with the child to raise on her own, and she'd have accepted you once he introduced you - after about another year of dating - as a mate to his daughter - who you'd "parent" - not play with as if she's a toy or an equal to you.
You're not mature enough to be a step-parent. His child comes first to him, too bad he didn't figure it out while he was still with his wife.....and you don't like the fact that your sex appeal is superceded by his love of her. Get used to it - because if your relationship with him continues you'll be called upon to sacrifice, enure, tolerate, give, expend, and compromise unendingly throughout this child's life....that is what parenting is.
He can't give you everything you want...while he's being everything she needs. That is why adult relationships aren't based in need, they need to be between two very secure and mature adults who are complete as individuals - not in "need" of an alliance in order to "feel good".
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
One last note - A great message board to check out here on Ivillage is called "Blended Famililes" . Because , if the two of you are to have a future together , it's well worth checking out. Just to give you an idea of what your in for when it comes to stepparenting.I am a stepparent.......and it is VERY VERY VERY chanllenging. Especially when dealing with a spitful ex . I hope this helps.
Heather
My ex comes and stays at my house for days on end just to spend time with our children. We get along great and parent quite well together. Our personal issues are not the kids' problem thus we don't let it impact them at all. They deserve to have Mom and Dad get along and they deserve to have the benefit of all of us going to a movie or out to eat together. My kids love it! Yes, I have a serious boyfriend and he respects and trusts me. He may not be wholly comfortable with it but he will never make an issue where there is none.
My ex's girlfriend (actually they just broke up) had a huge problem with my ex spending time over here. Ooh she couldn't stand it and looked at me like this huge threat. One day she expressed this to me and I assured her that she had nothing to worry about. We talked it out a bit and I think she felt better after that and lightened up on him a bit. However I did notice that she would escort him whenever he made the trip out here (they live six hours away). She'd get a hotel room and expect him to stay there. The kids grew to resent her presence because of all of that and it caused some undue tension.
Let him be a father first. If you care about him then show him by trusting him. You need to give him the benefit of the doubt on this one because there is a child at stake here.
Jennifer
"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi
Please do not take advice from someone who allows their ex to come stay with them just to spend time with their kid and then expect significant others to just except it. There are major issues there. If you want good solid advice and the relationship is worth spending time on, please consult with a professional. We can all give you our opinions, good or bad, but they are just that, opinions. Your not in an easy situation but I promise you it will work out for the best. That could be you leaving the relationship or him changing his tune. Through your journey of finding out what's best for you, don't for once think your feelings are crazy or out of line. Good luck.