He Cant Decide..Please help

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
He Cant Decide..Please help
3
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 2:42pm
Hey Everyone!

It would be great if I could get some advice on this. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 10 months. When we first got together last summer it was casual, he wanted to run around with his friends and party, which was odd bc 98 percent of his friends who he hung out with have very serious girlfriends. Around the holidays he decided to make our relationship more serious and started spending alot of time with me. Basically every weekend. While it was cold and he was always tired from commuting to work, we would basically just hang out at home but go out from time to time. Things were great between us and he basically wants to marry me.

This past spring he moved 35 minutes away to be closer to his job. Bc of where he moved, its a huge party/singles scene. Now all of a sudden he wants to go out and party with his friends. Twice I backed off and gave him room and he paniced and accused me of being too busy with my friends to see him. Yet he waits until the last minute to see me and cant make plans in advance bc he has to see what is going on first. His latest thing is

" I am trying to find a good balance between you and my friends". He can see his friends whenever, they all live by him and his new best friend is his roommate, whom he goes out with all the time (who is older and has no intention on setling down). When I want to see him on my terms, its never good, yet he expects me to drop plans to see him. Now Im told I need to relax with this...he is seeing me this Saturday but Friday is too much. But I know he will ask me Friday what I am doing anyway and expect me to come down by him. Yet last weekend he told me that his move made him realize how much he misses me and loves me and wants me closer. But he doesnt know how to get closer.

Now Im told I think too much and need to back off. When I do give him space, he gets scared and misses me. He wants to see me all the time but cannot get his priorities straight. I can't take this anymore, my friends dont want to hear it, and my parents cant stand him. All he wants to do is run around and I take the blame bc I guess I held him back while he was home. But if he keeps up this behavior, he will end up alone down the road. I just cant get him to see what a special girl he has, and I dont know what its going to take to make him see what he has. Im tired of giving him space and threatening to leave. He just says to do what I have to do, but then he gets worried and tells me how much I mean to him. Is he just afraid that he wont find anyone else so he is settling? Or does he really love me and needs to grow up? Please help!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 3:11pm
You are convenient to him - you are available at the drop of a hat (because if you aren't, he complains) and you do whatever he wants to keep the relationship going.

He will continue to do the push me, pull you thing because he can. It's on the list of characteristics for 'commitmentphobics'.

Does he really love you? Probably. At least in his mind. But that doesn't mean he's willing to commit. As you said, he waits until the last minute to make plans with you because he is waiting to see if there is a better offer. Yes, it's also related to maturity. Wanting to 'do it all', 'experience it all' being afraid of missing out on something fun.

Reading material:

He's Scared, She's Scared by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol

Are You The One For Me? Barbara DeAngelis

What Smart Women Know, Steven Carter & Julia Sokol

Men Are Like Waffles - Women Are Like Spaghetti, Bill & Pam Farrel

You will have to decide how long you want to be in this situation and hope for a change.

::I just cant get him to see what a special girl he has, and I dont know what its going to take to make him see what he has.

You are right you can't. You can't LOVE him enough, give him enough, to change him, make him want the same kind of relationship you want, be respectful to your need, etc. Maybe your friends and parents have a point about this guy.

You will be the one hurt if you continue to try and get him to see it your way. He wants to be with you when their is nothing better going on and he wants you to like the arrangement and he's pretty much got the relationship like he wants it on HIS terms. You will have to be the one to be strong, set boundaries and let go. He's got it made and isn't going to change his behavior to suite you.

Sorry you have to go through this.


Edited 5/5/2004 6:16 pm ET ET by itwinflame


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 3:57pm
Why ask why? The thing to focus on is what YOU want out of a relationship and what YOU want from a partner. If this isn't it, then move on. You know what he's about, what his priorities are, what he wants his life to be like right now, what choices he's making, how he's treating you, etc. Those are the facts. The reasons behind them are secondary. What do YOU want? If you want a partner who KNOWS you are his priority and treats you as such, without being so conflicted about it and having to *decide* about it, without the push-me-pull-you rollercoaster ride, without making you the last minute backup plan when nothing else better is going on....then look elsewhere. This is not that guy. Forget about him changing into someone else who feels differently about things. Forget about figuring out why he's doing what he's doing, thinking what he's thinking or feeling what he's feeling. Figure out what YOU want and if this is not it, then move on. Whether he misses you or enjoys your company is irrelevant to whether or not this is a right fit for you. An acquaintance at work could miss you and enjoy your company, but hopefully you want and expect a LOT more than that from a partner. You get what you accept for yourself and nothing more. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2004
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 7:59pm
i think the first thing you should do is look at what it is you want. sometimes we get so mixed up in trying to be the perfect girlfriend/wife/signficant other, we lose focus of what it is we want and focus solely on the other person.

i'm sorry to say this, but i think you are in a no win situation right about now. it seems to me like there is nothing you can do that will make this man happy. if you give him room, then you're being distant and you're focusing too much on yourself in his opinion. if you don't give him space, then you're suffocating him. the point i'm trying to make is i think no matter what you try to do, your man is going to find fault with it.

he seems a bit immature to me. he might not know what it is he really wants right now, and he's afraid of losing you. i'm sure you're an attentive, giving girlfriend. but the lure of "the grass is greener on the other side" might be getting to him right now. but he can't have you waiting in the wings while he checks out the other possibilities. that's not fair to you.

it basically comes down to one important question...are you respected and loved fully in this relationship? if you don't feel like you are, then i think you need to find someone who can love and respect you without any reservations.