he cheated and she's pregnant
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he cheated and she's pregnant
| Mon, 01-21-2008 - 11:35pm |
I've never been on one of these before, but I'm so confused, I don't know what to do. I found out last week that my boyfriend had a one-night stand two months ago - and that the woman is pregnant. There are so many things to deal with, but up until today, I thought she was having an abortion. Now she's not. I've gone through so many emotions in just a week - but I got to a point where I felt that, with a lot of work and time, we could get through this. People make mistakes and I feel that I can forgive him - we have a strong bond and I think we can get to a place of trust again. But now that this woman is keeping the baby, I don't know what to do. I'm having terrible thoughts - how I don't want him to be around the kid (which I know is wrong on so many levels) - and of course, he has said he would be involved with the child. I'm so angry and I don't know if I can deal with this. I want to be a better person than this - but I'm so full of hate right now. I don't doubt his love for me (despite a very screwed up decision), but I don't want this woman around him. Do I have any right to set boundaries here? -- like tell him he can't do things like go to the doctor with her...and they work together -- I feel that our relationship can't heal if they see each other - do I have a right to give those ultimatums? I feel like nothing is in my control and I'm just waiting around to see how events unfold - and they completely affect my life and future. Can you give me any advice??

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Bummer.
I'm sorry but he's your boyfriend, not your husband... At this point I would have left. A baby with another woman will ALWAYS be between you now.
I guess if you're absolutely certain that you want this to work, yes of course you have the right to tell him not to go to the doctor with her. Going to the doctor is something a woman does by herself, or with her husband/boyfriend if she chooses to have him there because they are in love, not because he's the father. Him going would be ridiculous.
I guess I don't agree that your bond is as strong as you think when he's off procreating with another woman.
I would not recommend staying with your boyfriend because of many different issues. The first is you mentioned that they work together. Number 1 concern for me with this is if he said it was a one night stand, it obviously wasn't something where he picked up some random woman at the bar or club(not that that would make it better). So because he worked with her there must have been some kind of background and attraction between them, and I wouldn't totally believe that it just happened one time because of this either. It sounds like they had some kind of inappropriate relationship going on at work, which led to them sleeping together.
And I don't think there would be any possibility of working things out when they are still working together, not to mention the fact that she is now carrying his child. Which leads me to also wonder why your boyfriend is so sure that it IS his child if was just a one night stand. How does he know she wasn't sleeping with other men? And was it your boyfriends idea that he should go to her doctors appointments? Because that would be totally inappropriate if he is in a relationship with you. It would only be necessary if he was in a relationship with her, but if he plans on keeping his relationship with you, than yes of course you have every right to tell him that he doesn't need to go to her doctors appointments. But that's something that should come from him.
I am just wondering if it was your boyfriend's or the other woman's idea about going to the appointments together. There are many people who find out they're pregnant, and decide to go their seperate ways. Yes, they SHOULD both be involved in the child's life because it isn't the childs fault that the parents made the stupid decisions that they did. However if those parents are not planning on trying to maintain a relationship it's not expected that they act like a couple. And going to the doctor together is something that couples do together, not one night stands who don't want a relationship together.
If you stay together, you are going to see his child, and this woman (his child's mother) all the time.
Welcome to the board shakenandstirred,
I'm so sorry for you.
Although everybody else made excellent points, enough to steer you towards what you should probably do, I just felt compelled to add to it anyway.
I personally could never stay with someone who had sex with someone else, and then--to boot--got her pregnant! I have been there and left the guy, and I am glad I did. What's sad is that he probably didn't use protection, and yet still took the chance, knowing the risks. I think people would be surprised to find out how few men use protection, especially when they cheat, which results in what you're dealing with now. But, even then, condoms break, and women forget to take their pills, so the risk is always there regardless...
I concur with the other person, in that if they're working together, then my God, they sure as heck have been screwing around long before "the one and only night" he claims. Like the old saying goes, "You see one cockroach, there are probably millions more you don't see." Oh yes, I am convinced he was screwing around long before the time he revealed to you. He is hoping to get a gold star for it only being one time, something a lot of cheaters pull. It's the ol' comparison game; they will say, "Well, it only happened one time, versus me doing it multiple times, which I could've, but I was just feeling so darn guilty about what I did...(sobbing begins now)"
And while all humans make mistakes, and he might never cheat again, the point is YOU don't know that. Is he 15 minutes late because he stopped at the drive-thru on his way home, or is he 15 minutes late because he's banging Betty Sue down the street? You'll never know, and that anxiety is a killer to put up with, day in and day out.
You have to put yourself first in this case, and truly be your own best friend. You teach people how to treat you. If you do not set a definitive boundary with him--which is to teach him that he loses people like you when he does the things he does--then he will become more lax in his ways, and take full advantage of you choosing to be spineless.
I broke up with a guy that cheated on me, and years later he emailed me, telling me that I was the best thing that ever happened to him. He also admitted I taught him a good lesson and even thanked me for it. Your BF will not learn anything if you stay. Personally, I think he'll have his cake and it eat it, too, especially if they continue to work together.
Everytime you get "snotty" or "bitchy" (according to him) he will turn outside of the relationship and be consoled by that other girl. The sad part is, you have the RIGHT to be moody, bitchy, etc. My God, he cheated on you and got someone pregnant! Trust me--he will get tired REALLY quick of your moods and distrust. Personally, I think this is too broken to fix, and who is to say it's worth the time to do it anyway? Too many fish in the sea; trust that your heart can love infinitely, and the next thing you know, you'll be in a better relationship with a new guy.
When someone is a jerk, you get rid of him. You don't cling to him. This very clinging to him teaches him that he's adorable and can't do any wrong.
Hi again,
I want you to know that I wasn't trying to be too harsh with you, and expect a snapping of the fingers, if you will, of "he does this and so you leave--period, no ifs ands or buts about it!" Do know that just as there are many relationships where it's prudent and obvious the woman should leave, so, too, there are just as many where it can be salvaged, and doesn't necessarily mean the woman is spineless for giving it another go.
It all really is contingent on the two people making a fervent effort to change, particularly, of course, the cheater. Ninety-nine percent of the time, however, the cheater does NOT put in nearly the consistent and fervent effort needed to truly change things. It really comes down to attitude and the core of who someone is.
I've seen many men scramble outside of their comfort zone and get your flowers, candy and suddenly dote on you...something they never, ever did. They pretend to be someone they're not, just to get you back. But once they do, they sink right back into their comfort zone of truly who they just are inside, and nothing changes. You're back at square one.
The result is only more frustration and wasted months of your life, when you could be starting something new with a better prospect out there. I have learned this the hard way, which is why I was so adamant with my comments/suggestions. Certainly, you can do what you want, and we'll all be here to support you and help you, and sometimes you have to learn the hard way. But if you can help it, avoid the dive into the flames.
I had a best friend that was in a bad relationship, and I had a talk with her about him. The thing is, there were other friends of hers that were warning her of him. When there is a pattern like that--and many people see the same red flags--then there is certain validity to it, and cannot be ignored.
Unfortunately, she was in the thick of the clouds, if you will, of this dysfunctional relationship, and couldn't see the forest beyond the trees. She was defensive and snappy with me, and told me, "Well, maybe I want to see for myself how this turns out, and learn for myself if it's wrong!" She was trying to excuse her staying with him, as a deliberate learning and growing experience.
The reality is that we don't learn through DELIBERATELY jumping into something we know is bad. It'd be like saying we know that stove is hot and will burn us, but to experience it the hard way, let's put our finger on it anyway, and singe the skin. The way you navigate through life is you take the best path you know how, avoiding perilous paths that are obviously going to hurt you, and if the best path you take just so happens to turn out not to be such--unbeknownst to you--THEN you learn something. But you never deliberately bang yourself against the bumpers of life, just hoping the bruises and callouses of what people have done to you will automatically make you grow! That's silly.
It MIGHT be different if this guy had, say, kissed someone or something, then it perhaps might be salvageable. But it takes a lot of planning to have full intercourse. Add into the mix that he works with her, which rings a huge alarm that he probably has been sleeping with her. To boot, he probably WILL continue to sleep with her, especially if you act out, such as moodiness and resentment for what he did. Lastly, throw into the mix that he is going to have a baby with this gal, preferred or not. Often times those types of bonds--whether by accident or not--will enforce whatever tie someone has with that person, and he might change his mind about not wanting her. Believe me--seeing the baby for the first time might melt his heart, and then realizing that woman carried it to term for him and gave birth for him, just might be the extra nudge over the compassionate line, well into the territory of intimate memories, ties, etc.
I know my words hurt, but they're honest and forthright, and only there to help you. If I really thought this could work, I would tell you. I just think the odds of it working are next to nil. I will leave you with one more analogy (I'm good at those--lol) that I used with my cousin when she was dealing with a messed up relationship:
Let's say you went to the beach and there was a sign that said, "WARNING: 80% TOXIC WATER! ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" Would you go into the water? Of course not. But why? Well, because most of it is toxic, so the odds of you getting sick are very high. I then asked my cousin, "Well, your relationship with this man is 80% toxic, and yet you're willing to risk yourself, your well being, your health, your self-esteem, etc., all for the hope of finding and focusing on that 20% of him that isn't toxic. Does that make sense?" She realized what I was saying, and they eventually broke up. She came to find out a WHOLE lot more about that person, and was very glad she left.
So, don't hold onto the 20% of this guy that makes you smile or the memory of who you THOUGHT he was; there is that 80% you'll always have to deal with, of toxicity, which WILL drain you day after day after day. Trust me--you don't want to live a daily life ritual of constant questioning, going through his things, anxiety of if they're keeping it platonic or not behind your back, etc. Your health will deteriorate, your self-esteem will plummet, and you'll start to lose interest in who YOU are as a person. You'll be giving the power over to him.
I hope this has helped.
I don't know if you are still keeping up on this post but i just wanted to say i know exactly where you are coming from..well almost exactly. You see my boyfriend didn't cheat on me but just recently i found out he is having a baby with another woman, she's 6 months pregnant. It really is such a difficult time, i also had all these bad thoughts, i had no idea how to deal with them so i decided just to accept them and figure out a way to get them out of my mind so i could bring some positive ones in. I also didn't want him to be around the kid, i still don't really..my own selfishness is telling me that in order to be with him it can never happen, it's kinda like an angel and a devil on your shoulders, you know? I wanted to be a better person too, more understanding and supportive and less full of hate. The truth is although he cheated and my fiancee didn't,
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