He cheated and wants me back

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2004
He cheated and wants me back
4
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 4:39pm
My boyfriend and I were together for 4 years. And just last weekend I busted him for cheating. One of his friends actually told me and gave me the other girls phone number. So I called her and apparently he had told her we were no longer together. Well we both drove up to his work and confronted him. While we were screaming at him he told he loved me. And my reply was oh yeah and you love her too. He replied no he just liked her and couldn't choose. Well we both told him he didn't have to choose anymore cause now he didn't have either of us. Well that same day he was begging me to be with him again and still is. He bought me flowers and candy, and of course I told he those things didn't make up for what he did. I told him I didn't want to be with him still because I don't like the person he has become. Now he keeps calling me telling me that he is changing and he will never go out with any of his friends again until I can trust him. And he would do anything to get me back. He is crying and begging. And if he does everything he says he'll do I am considering taking him back after he shows me he is serious. Would I be a fool or do you think it is possible he can change? I know he is not telling the other girl the same thing because we talk now, just to make sure he isn't playing anymore games. He says that he realizes that he lost me and knows how much he really does love me and care about me now. Even though he should have known that before. But he really would do anything to get me back. I am not sure I want to be with him right now, but I may in the future after he proves that he really is changing. What do you think?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 4:44pm
Ask him when is first counseling appt is... don't let him distract you or sway you with empty promises, flowers and candy. He needs to know why he was willing to risk the relationship in the first place. Why he CHOSE to cheat. And what was missing from the relationship that made him seek out another woman.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2003
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 11:52pm
Having been in his position (I was a cheater), I can say that people can change, and they can truly feel sorry for what they've done. I cheated on my bf about 1 year ago now, and we are still together. But it is a long hard road and both of you have to realize that if you still want to make it work. itwinflame is right, counseling is probably a good idea. He does need to understand why he did this or it could happen again. He has to be willing to work with you and understand that it may take you a long time to regain your trust in him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 9:37am
There is a problem with your post that I dont like, and that is his promising to change. Change isnt that easy, and he cant do it for anyone but himself. BUT he can decide that he made a mistake, realize the repercussions of it and not do it again. Unfortunately, this is something that you are going to have to believe in without a doubt or it will never get to a point to where you can believe that he loves you. But changing takes more than jst someone being mad at you.

My friend has a theory and in alot of relationships its a pretty good one, though I dont agree with it. She says that if you leave a gallon of milk on the counter and it spoils, you cant just put it back in the refridgerator and expect it to get good again, when sour its sour permanently.

My own theory is that people can be truly sorry, and can be truly forgiven, but it takes enormous efforts on both sides, a dedication to each other and fixing the issue, otherwise you fit in HER theory, lol.

Its something that you cant just say "Oh, I forgve you." Its not that easy. What you should be saying is that something like this takes a very long time (longer than you will now imagine) to forgive and you are working to forgive him. There is no time table and how can he ask for more than that? You should tell him to not expect time to work backward and have you sure that the relationship can work, because he damaged it. Faith in him was slammed and stomped on. Its going to take a very very long time for him to put the action in its place. Another thing, save his flower money, his candy money, his thoughtful tokens. Put his wallet back into his pocket, he didnt hurt your wardrobe or stomach, he hurt your heart and that is what he is going to have to put reinforcement in.

As far as his doing it again, that depends on the person. Many who cheat just do so to stroke the ego, but some, seeking a lacked fullfillment genuinely make a mistake. I, and my husband, were the latter type when we first started dating. At a time of much less maturity ...ok, MUCH MUCH less maturity, we got into an "I hurt you because you hurt me" mode and it ended up with both of us doing it. Then, we both grew up. I didnt make him, he didnt make me, to be honest, cervical cancer made us. (Which is gone now, but anyway) Im not even remotely the girl that I was then, he is not remotely the man. I fell in love with the worst version of him, and he me. We were very lucky to have our eyes opened to what was truly important. The benefits keep on growing, our children were blessed by it, and they all got better parents because of it.

To be honest, just like over my husband and me, he doesnt deserve the forgiveness. BUT, we were given another chance and we didnt waste it. YOU have all the cards in this and you are going to have to decide what is the thing that you want to do, and dont look at it with 'it was just a bump'. It was a mountain, and one that is going to take a shovel and a lot of hard work. Years worth. His actions will always be a part of you, him, and your relationship. He has to accept that if he gets you back, it doesnt get shoved under the rug. Its there, its a presence with the relationship, and the more openly and honestly it gets dealt with, it gets fixed.

Even with trying, its going to be very hard to move past this and get a good relationship going again. It wont be the same relationship. You can have a better relationship because both of you have a renewed dedication, or he can do it again. Unfortunately that is a choice that is out of your hands, and you are going to have to do something you dont feel you can, which is believe him. Otherwise dont go back.

Also, if you do decide to attempt moving past this, I would beak off contact with the girl, who will be a constant memory to the both of you. Any healing on the issue will get ripped off like a bandaid over a papercut. (Doesnt hurt til it gets exposed to air.)

But he cant just 'change'. He isnt a chameleon, he's a man. He can stand up and take the ramifications of his actions no matter which way you go, or he can justify them and keep doing them. Its a choice, not change.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 4:19pm
Hello dear i am sorry about so much desilution from that guy. Well i am a strong woman that has her feet on ground and i perfectly understand your pain. I think that you should not even let him get close to you or talk to him. He never deserved you and i am glad that it happened to you now than 5 or 10 years later after having a stable relationship with him. All i can say is to move on with your life and stay single until you feel confident about your self to be in another relatioship. I have been hurt in the past so much but i have never gone back with a guy that didn't appreciate me. Please be strong and determined about this guy. He is not worth your time because guys like him you will find anywhere. It seems that you are a straight woman and don't need any trouble in your life. I will advice you to stop talking to him and make the right decision please. think about your self first and than what ever he is feeling always be #1 in everything you do. You have to learn to over come challenge in everyway and you will see that things happen for a reason but God is always with us and he won't let you suffer trust me. Good luck with your life and continue a normal life anyways you don't need a man to be happy. Think about it before you accept him back. Your friend Flower................