he cheated can our relationship be saved

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2004
he cheated can our relationship be saved
4
Sun, 05-09-2004 - 9:33am
Lets start with the history of our relationship first...I dated Andrew for 5 years previously then we broke up for 7 years and got back together last year....about 2 months ago he cheated on me with one of his co-workers. I found out through one of our friends. When i asked him he denided it at first but I told him that she admitted it to me and finally he agreed that they had intercourse. I was so upset when I found out, I was packing my stuff and leaving ....my friend told me that I could stay with her for a while. He found out that I was going to leave and asked me to marry him and we talked about it. He tells me that he now understands what he had at home and says he doesnt know why he slept with her in the first place (only he was really drunk and dont even remember it)....I wanted to marry him since the first time we dated, in a way I think its brought us closer now. He says now that he knows I am the one and regrets it terriblely. plz help me...I dont know what to do..I cant get her out of my head!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Sun, 05-09-2004 - 10:26am
You poor thing - that is really hard what you went through.

You don't really give enough information to say what you should do. Only you know the answer to that anyway.

I think you should still move out and get back on your own. Slow down. Take your time - and work through the hurt of what he did. Then decide. If you stay there you will make it too easy on him. It is not okay what he did. That is for sure. Drunk or sober - that is no excuse.

I hope this helps and I wish you well. Time will tell you.

Be strong.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sun, 05-09-2004 - 7:01pm
Don't do it. If you really want to marry him, make going to pre-martial counseling a MUST before you say I DO.

It's so sad how this technique works so often - someone does something wrong/bad/unacceptable and instead of dealing with the issue - why it happened, take responsibility for their behavior - they distract you - they give you what you've been wanting for so long (or give lip service to it) marriage, new car, baby, new house.

Make counseling a condition.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 9:57am
Your poor thing. This is terrible. I cannot believe the nerve of this guy betraying your trust after getting back together with you for two months and then proposes to you thinking that will erase what he did. A piece of paper from the state and a couple of rings doesn't guarantee you anything or make your relationship any stronger. The only thing it does is make it harder to get out of. Think of it this way. You have a dog. You love and trust the animal and derive joy from taking care of it. One day the dog bites you. Are you going to turn around and lock yourself in a cage with the same dog that just bit you? NO. That's the equivalent of what you would be doing by marrying him now.

That's not to say that your relationship can't be saved and you can't marry him and have it all work out. This is just not the time to consider a marriage . Your relationship is in distress. A marriage should only be pursued if the relationship is on VERY steady ground. Cheating is not exactly an indicator of steady ground. To go forward and invest more of yourself in a marriage with this guy is a BIG mistake. If you decide to stay with him (and only do that if you can work through the feelings you are having within yourself, otherwise resentment alone will kill your relationship), this will take a lot of time to get past. If you continue with this man and want it to work out, the only chance you have is to maintain your autonomy and take things slowly. He's lost your trust, he has to gain that back before you should consider becoming his wife.

He has to prove to you that he deserves to have you as his bride. If you marry him without taking care of this mess, you get what you deserve. Another dog bite. I hope you choose a different path.

I also agree with itwinflame that premarital counseling should be sought before and if you wed.

Good luck to you,

Ivy

georgiasugarbaby@yahoo.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 12:54pm

great post! you took the words right off my keyboard! agree to marry him ONLY IF you are ok with a husband who cheats, lies, and in general does whatever he needs to do to get whatever he wants and when he gets caught - will always have some 'excuse' or 'justification'.


if you REALLY want to marry him - then take a giant step backwards, and give yourselves some time to get to know one another. let him prove to you that he can be trusted.