He cheated while we were engaged

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2007
He cheated while we were engaged
6
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 5:14pm

I've been married to my husband for nine months. We've had a shaky go of it but things are starting to calm down. In order to understand my concern I think you need to know what was happening prior to our wedding.

I'll call my husband B for the sake of being less confusing

B and I had been dating for two years, I was about to graduate from college and had plans on moving out of state at the end of summer (September to be exact) to attend grad school. We had agreed that he would join me after he finished with his degree 6 months later. Things started going bad in April. He stopped coming over, I wouldn't see him for days on end and when I did see him he would look over my head or tell me he was in a hurry and couldn't talk. After 4 weeks of this I told him we needed to talk - he said he didn't want to- I broke up with him. I was heart broken, this was the man I wanted to marry, the one I'd had two miscarriages with (one of which I was just recently beginning to heal from) I became so depressed I thought my grades would be affected

Hours after the break up he was calling me. He would call me 5-10 times a day apologizing and saying he wanted me back, he loved me (blah blah blah). Three days after the breakup we arranged to meet and talk at a party a mutual friend of ours was having; however, when I arrived at the party he wouldn't talk to me and eventually ended up going home with another girl. Needless to say I was through. I arranged to leave the state early.

Before I left town he called and asked if he could say goodbye. He told me that he had acted that way because he couldn't stand the fact that I was leaving at the end of summer, he said he would become so distraught at seeing me that he would have to look away or avoid me. He said he still loved me loved me more than anything... he played a song he wrote for me, he showered me with gifts for days, he humiliated himself in public to show his love (I won't go into details )

Dumbass me believed him. We began sleeping with each other until I left which was June 6th (I had already changed my plans and couldn't re-alter them) After I left we talked constantly on the phone. Talking about what went wrong and how we could fix it. He brought up marriage in July and I accepted (granted it was over the phone but he and I were VERY serious) we arranged for him to come out and visit me for our engagement trip.

We had a wonderful time by the ocean, we fell back in love -- it was perfect-- he was going to move out in a month or two and we would get married.
After he left was when I got a call from my college friend who told me that he had slept with that girl he went home with, and actually began dating her after that. I asked him about it and he said that he saw her a couple of times but didn't have a relationship with her. I asked him if she was the only one-- He said of course! He only did it because I was leaving and he needed to find a way to get over me.....

Dumbass me believed him. I ended up moving back to his town to be with him (his mother was diagnosed with cancer and he wanted to be close to her while she was dying) We got married ...

9 months later I got another call.... this one from a disgruntled friend. She informed me that B had been seeing a girl the entire summer. That he had begun seeing her before we broke up. That he was seeing this girl up until he and I got married. She did tell me that he had stopped seeing her after the wedding...... but to me that's not the point!!!!

He lied! He was completely unfaithful during our ENGAGEMENT! He gave me a ring on the beach and then proceeded to go home and have sex with another woman!... I feel extremely betrayed! I feel disgusted when I look at him. Had he told me about the other women BEFORE I married him we could have at least talked about it! I probably wouldn't have married him at all!
When I ask him about it he gets VERY upset and says that he doesn't really remember that far back, and tells me that I'm trying to shove it down his throat. He says

"OK I did it ... I was an @$$H*%* !!!! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!!!!" then he starts crying and apologizing and tells me not to bring it up again.

I want to leave him. I can't touch him anymore.... I feel like I was the biggest most gullible fool on earth- all I could see was what I wanted to see and ignored the truth. I know now that if he had told me before we got married I wouldn't have married him, and some of that animosity is lingering.

Should I leave him because he cheated and lied to me while we were engaged?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 5:27pm

Welcome to the board,


I can't say that you should leave, but you do have a very good reason to leave him if you really want to. He has completely broken your trust and that is going to be hard to get back. You might want to consider marriage counseling if you think there is a chance you might be able to forgive him.


Sorry you have to go through this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 9:22pm

Okay - I'm going to be blunt - kick his worthless, cheating, lying, cry baby ass to the curb. Telling you not to bring it up again firmly closes the door on any possible resolution and believe me - he will do it again. It's so damn easy for him to cheat and lie to you and then abandon all responsibility.

You should leave him because he is completely unaccountqable for his behavior. Don't let the crying fool you - that's all about him. It's very telling that he says "What do you want from me?" as if you're asking too much of him. He is okay with your pain and suffering, he's okay with destroying all trust - he doesn't want to look at it. You don't heal betrayal without diving deep into it and dealing with it head on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 11:31am

Goodness, your husband is completely self-absorbed, isn't he? The other posters have given very good advice, particularly the point that, because he wants to regard it as an isolated incident rather than a pattern of behavior, it will undoubtedly happen again.

Since he wants to know what you want from him, perhaps you could tell him that you want him to go to marriage counseling, that you want him to make the appointment within a week--no excuses--and you want him to go faithfully to the sessions. I really don't think it's going to do any good, but at least you will have given him and your marriage a chance. If he's not willing to do the counseling, then you can tell him that you want a divorce, and you want him to pay for all of it.

Truthfully, I don't think you're going to get any of the things you want, because he really doesn't think he's done anything wrong--it was just wrong of you to find out and make a fuss about it. I think you're headed for a marriage of more of the same. Good luck; I'll be thinking about you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 12:09pm

Marriages tend to not last so long when the relationship leading up to them has been an up-and-down rollercoaster ride of cheating, hurt feelings, love, extravagant romantic gestures, falling out of love, breaking up, and lying.

I read your post and thought "high school relationship." There's too much drama there to build a lasting marriage on that you expect to last. I think you are fooling yourself if you think marriage will "fix" him, and that you're in for at least a very bumpy ride if you choose to stay with him.

At the very least, get yourself some counseling so you can learn to come to terms with what you've been put through by this man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 2:36pm

'I know now that if he had told me before we got married I wouldn't have married him'

Huh?

He did tell you by not showing up when he said he would. He told you by hitting on other girls at parties and he told you when you asked him directly. At least take some responsibility here.

Can you imagine this man as a father? Can you ever trust him?

Now you need to do the right thing. And when he cries and writes another chorus to that song, ignore him.




Edited 7/7/2007 2:38 pm ET by ciao__gina
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2007
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 6:17pm
I am sorry about your situation today. But you had several chances to not put yourself in this. But you are here today because you are a nice person and your husband takes you for granted completely. Its like he can go around doing whatever he wants but knows that you will forgive him without a doubt in any given situation.I know I will sound very rude when I say this ....but am going to be harsh because it is about your life and you are deal with someone completely insensitive here who does not even take responsibility for his actions...sure you are married to him...it would have been much more easier for you to leave him if you weren't.But pls count your blessing you dont have children with HIM. Its a blessing in disguise. You have to brave and try walking out of this. If you would like give marriage counseling a shot but I hardly think he would never cheat on you again. All the best.