Is he cheating?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Is he cheating?
6
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 1:48pm
B/F called me at work (he calls me every day after lunch) and told me that his grandfather is arguing with him about what time it was - he thinks it's 6 in the evening and it's 10:30 in the morning. His grandfather has the beginning stages of Alzheimer's.

Then he said, "Oh, yeah, what else? Oh, he also thinks I had a girl in my

room last night."

I said, "Why would he think that?" and was thinking to myself, Why would you

even bring that up if you know he's going to forget about it?

He said, That's just his dementia, and there's no arguing with him when he

thinks he's right.

Then he broke our date tonight, dinner and donating blood. He said we could get together after I finished donating blood, and we could do other stuff together, tonight. He got all disparaging and defensive when I didn't know what else to say & fell silent, acted like I was freaking out, and wanted to get off the phone.

Is he just stupid or is he trying to cover his tracks?

There are one of two things going on here:

1.His grandfather is starting to register the fact that I have spent the night before but has a hard time remembering when, or

2.He had a girl in his room last night and is trying to cover his tracks in case his Grandfather brings it up in front of me.

There are some additional things to consider:

1.I have spent the night over there twice but he his grandfather has never seen me until the morning. Once he did see me going into B/F's old bedroom - in the morning.

2.His parents moved in a few weeks ago, and are sleeping in his old room and he is sleeping in what used to be the office. He could think the parents are B/F and another girl.

3.Also, with his parents AND grandfather there something like bringing girls home would be extra hard to do, but maybe his parents are "cool" and would not question anything he did. They also take lots of pills, so I think they sleep heavily.

4.He is not a "player". He claims to never have cheated, he hates going to bars, he's been in a series of monogamous relationships, and he claims to care deeply for me.

But, it just seems to me like there was no reason to bring this up unless he felt guilty, and plus he overreacted when I got quiet.

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anonymous user
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 3:54pm
I really think that you are just overreacting about the whole situtation. I am sure that he just said it in case his grandpa said something in front of you. I would have said something to bf if I was in his place. If that is all you have to go on, I think you need to relax.

Have you been cheated on before? It just seems like you are worrying alot about nothing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 4:16pm
Well, of course I have been cheated on! I ended a nine year marriage because of a cheating man and emotional-turned-physical abuse, so of course I am going to obsess a little. Especially when this b/f of six months is so good to me, I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop and I have to keep telling myself not to run away from something healthy. I have had a pattern of picking the wrong guy b/c I was abused badly starting at a very young age. So, this relationship has been my first real chance to be the person I have always wanted to be in a relationship - the person I have been working on becoming by going to therapy and dealing with all this. This is my chance to realize and set my boundaries, figure out what I can deal with and what I still need to work on, and it sure has been interesting. You found a lot better way to express this than other people have. Your advice is effectual and usable, not a sword cutting me off at the knees with no solution in sight. Thank you for your time, concern, and kind words. You are sweeter than most.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 4:24pm
Maybe your BF was just venting to you, decribing how stressful it is to live with his grandfather and is parents(?). I imagine he was just sharing a crazy story his grandpa came up with and when you took it the wrong way, he got upset. I think it was just a mis-communication...trust me, I've had a lot of those lately. Just another posibility.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 4:38pm
I'm not trying to like...stirr up trouble but I just wanted to make a comment. I've had 4 long-term (over 5 months) relationships. One of my boyfriends cancelled like that, he said he didn't feel like going out and just wanted to chill out at home. I made him something for that night, and of course I wanted to see him, so I went over to give it to him and just see him for a minute. When I got there I got a sick feeling. He always said if "If I don't answer after you knock just come in." so I opened there door and there was his ex, in a "fishing shirt" that said "Master Baiters" and she was in the middle of jumping on him. Yeah...I guess you could call that chilling out. Also, my sister is dating like 3 guys right now, and they don't know about eachother, so she always mentions that her family thinks she's dating tons of people, so if we ever slip up they won't really catch on. So, I know how you feel.

I'm not saying that he's cheating on you, not by any means, but for me, esp with the ex situation, it's better to confront them about your feelings. Talk about why you think something might be going on, ask him why he brought it up...just try to talk about it without pointing fingers. I'm sure he loves you, communication is the hardest thing to master. I hope things turn out for the best! ...then again, you could always spy on him. J/k!

Good Luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 6:58pm
'Especially when this b/f of six months is so good to me,'

O.k. here are some words from your previous posts:



"My boyfriend and I are both good looking. I am not trying to be vain! ... I see people hitting on him, sometimes, but he makes a point of telling me every time it happens even when I am not there to see it. Now, he tells me that girls are asking him out. .. but this is getting annoying to me because it seems like a competition. It's like he's saying, "I'm just as hot as you are, if not hotter." Do you think he is jealous of the attention that I get? Does he need an ego boost or something?"

"My boyfriend makes fun of the way that I wear my pants. ...I am 29, ...I am a career woman and that kind of clothing isn't suitable for the office so I don't own any.... He will say things about my pants, and will also pull his pants way up and walk around the room with his shirt up and his hips thrust forward, visibly mocking me. But then, he makes fun of women barely bigger than my size who wear low rise jeans with crop tops, saying they look ridiculous, or worse, that they look pregnant with their guts hanging out. Am I being oversensitive, or is this guy being a jerk?"

" If he wanted to be with someone else, I know he would break up with me before he did anything. And frankly, that would not be the end of my world"

"My boyfriend doesn't stare at other women or anything, and I am sure he's faithful to me, but he talks about the things other women do during sex and other women's, um, physical attributes and compares that to me, like during and right after we have sex! ... I still find it insulting and it makes me feel very unimportant. He should be holding me and focusing on us, not telling me that I do it the same way most girls do it. He also makes it a point to tell me if he thinks my friends are pretty and even hot, and has to tell me every time some girl has hit on him or asked him out. It feels like I've been stabbed in the gut every time he says something like this and I have to wonder - is he trying to make me jealous? I tried to talk to him about it and he told me I was being oversensitive. "

"This is the second time in our 3 month relationship I have told him that I am hurt by these things. The first time he did stop for a while, but only after making me feel like I was high maintenance for even requesting that he keep those things to himself. What is it about some men that they try every trick to remain blameless and to invalidate womens' feelings? I know this: he is very insecure and immature."

..'Between him and my idiot b/f (see previous posts in this board), I think I need a hiatus from men. BTW, set a boundary w/the b/f (asked him not to make fun of me) and he freaked out and left my house. Good!"

"I have already invested so much in him, and my four year old son is totally in love with him. ... This is like my test to see if I can set a healthy baseline standard without turning into a resentful doormat like my last relationship which was nine years of co-dependent hell."

Have you resolved any of this? it seems that you just have issue after issue with him. Why put up with it? Why do you think you deserve it?


















Edited 9/1/2004 8:18 pm ET ET by ciao_gina

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 9:37pm
Hi, Mary!

I just read Gina's response, and was moved that she had the concern for you to go through the old posts. That must have taken quite a bit of time! I hope that you can she her post in the spirit in which she obviously intended it -- to help you open your eyes and not see each incident in a vacuum. Sometimes we feel so invested in believing that we're being treated well that we get the amnesia about things we've already forgiven. I've been there more than a smart and hot woman like myself (and all of our sisters here) would like to admit. Maybe you could use Gina's post as a jumping off point for you to put together list of real red flags so that you can see them all together. Then just remember that the chances of these things continuing are probably higher than that they won't. You seem very wound-up and move from feeling to feeling in this relationship. Always remember that this is not your ONE chance at a successful or healthy relationship, and also that spotting and moving away from a bad relationship is a VICTORY, particularly when you can do it this early! Cut your losses if you have to and move on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 9:43pm
Great post thanks.

Mary,

I hope you are doing a lot of soul searching now.

Gina