is he cheating ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2004
is he cheating ?
6
Tue, 01-13-2004 - 10:53pm
I am in a gay relationship. My partner does not live with me, he lives 50 miles away, and is stalling on moving in.He lives at home with his parents, and they do not know he is gay.He has been promising to move in for 2 years. I have caught him in more lies than i care to admit. He has a roaming eye and often comments about other guys in front of me. I dont trust him, and believe he is cheating on me. He is a very sexual guy, and that worries me.We have a good time together, but then it ends when he goes home, at least it does for me. He gets irritated when i bring up the subject of moving in up, and often says " it will happen soon". He gives lots of excuses for not moving in, and usually changes the subject....Is love blind here, or am i just plain stupid ???


Edited 1/13/2004 11:10:49 PM ET by matthew2004
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 1:35am
I don't know your whole situation, but just from what you did say my thaught is he is not ready to come out to his family and moving in with you would mean just that. About the wandering eye thing and not knowing if you should trust him or not. That is a problem all by its self, you should be able to trust him. If you find yourself not being able to trust him than you should talk about it. You should be able to tell from his response what his intentions are and where his heart is. If you are encountering these types of communication and trust issues now than mabey it's not such a bad thing he hasnt moved in yet.

Best Wishes

ab25
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 10:36am
Love can be blind.

The writing is on the wall - you just don't want to read it.

I think you know that this relationship is doomed - you don't trust him for one thing which is vital for the success of a relationship.

Move on - there are more fish in the sea.

Peace - Pebbles

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 11:55am
I think that your boyfriend is a "closet homosexual" meaning that his does not want his family to know that he is a gay man - and that's one of the reasons why he doesn't want to move out.

Another reason is because your boyfriend is that the likes the benefits of having a relationship with you being 50 miles away. He likes the stability that you provide and he knows that you are there for him emotionally & sexually - and he finds that comforting. However, he also likes the fact that he can see other men, in his hometown, and not have to worry about running into you or explaining his whereabouts. Hence, this is another reason why he won't move in with you - he likes the comfort of your relationship but doesn't want the commitment that is involved.

At this point - you have some decisions to make. If you truly want to be with this man - then explain to him that things have got to change. Be assertive and let him know what the real deal is on your end - but don't give him ultimatums. His actions will indicate whether or not he is as serious about a relationship with you as you are to him. If he can't commit - then you have no other choice but to end the relationship - because your self-worth is higher than he would like to think it is.

Good luck....

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2003
Thu, 01-15-2004 - 12:15am
Matthew- Out of curiousity, How old is your so? Often, when we feel so deeply for another, we tend to wear what I call "beer goggles". First off, I don't know how you tolerate his comments about other men in your presence. That is SO disrespectful to you.. Do you think maybe he does it to get a reaction out of you/ Do you make comments as well? I wish I knew these answers! As far as not yet moving in. To him, he does have it good now(Probably pays no rent,etc.)Perhaps he does not know how to approach his parents & is not ready to deal with their reaction? The reason I ask about his age is b/c sometimes that can give more insight as to the reasons for his behaviour.If he is younger,he is probably more insecure(and sometimes that is where the comments could stem,to see how YOU react,to see if you will get jealous,to validate your committment to him, maybe seeing how far he can go before you lose it.) Some people thrive on drama.....maybe he is one of those people.


The thing that is alarming is the trust issue. In order for your relationship to bloom there HAS to be trust. Or else you will be too busy worrying what he is doing,who he is with,where is he at. Then, instead of the loving relationship you aspire to what would be created is almost obsession. You must go to him & tell him what you are feeling. Be up front but don't take his nonchalance! Let him know that you are committed to him,you love him,you want to be with him but at the same time do not keep accepting his "It will be soon" bs about moving in. If it has been 2 years, you need to start digging your heels in a bit. Are you always available at his disposal? If so,DON'T BE! When he proceeds to comment on other men at your feelings expense, ask him how he would feel if the tables were turned(also be prepared for an "It wouldn't bother me") which of course is a lie! This must be very hurtful for you!Do not let him string you along. If I were you I'd put it all out there.There are to many other men that will adore you for you & not make you feel so anxious & on edge.

I hope it all pans out for you. Good Luck! Keep Posted too! HUGS!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2004
Fri, 01-16-2004 - 12:06pm
Um I think he is taking advantage of you.. He might love you care for you but he does not respect you or probably anyone else. Just becuase we love someone doesnt mean its right for us.. Someone who truly respects someone wotn do this... I believe you need to have a talk and sit down if he acts resistent or anything you need to take a look at your relationship . Its had but you worth mroe then this.. If he tries to work with you give the relationship an amount of time liek two months to change if it doesnt it never will.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2004
Sun, 01-18-2004 - 11:05pm
Sweethart move on. Long distance relationships never work. And if he's stalling to move in I would be investigating the cause. I'm sorry you are going through this and I hope your intuition is wrong. Just hang in there, things always happen for a reason. Take care of yourself.